Today was somewhat different than usual. You woke up from your slumber later than you used to. However waking up today not only made you feel wearier but it made you feel a bit towards the point of pointless. Only sometimes, very rarely you wake up feeling at ease and satisfied which normally you don’t because you don’t think you deserve it.
The weather couldn’t be weirder; it has been acting strangely these past days. I don’t even know you anymore you felt like saying. Yet it was influential enough to change your mood, the way you feel and disrupt your normal routine. Come to think about it, all around the world people adapt to the weather not the other way around. So, erm adapt.
Afternoons, these past couple of weeks had been scheduled for hardcore thunder storms. The flashes of lightnings were so white and bright and so near you thought it was about to strike you. Back in your mind, you prepare and warn yourself for the possibility of how it could bring damage to you but soon enough you ignore that thought thinking that you’re just being absurd…as usual.
The days used to be tiring and confusing but lately considering the weather and other aspects that had happened, all the weird things that happens makes you even more dreadful and lost. One of your main escapes was the friends you hung out with and with whom you shamelessly expressed yourself. you didn’t care if they were listening as long as they pretended to, it was fine. But the close ones now, preoccupied with their jobs and their own wearied life. You didn’t mind…then you always had plenty of friends and other options. Nevertheless the one friend you waited for so long never seemed to surface. Yet you say to yourself there’s still hope, you always say that giving optimism a bad name.
I sat up straight in the middle of the night before I sleep, every night thinking of what I have done and what needed to be done the next morning I wake up, Having the intention of wanting to use those precious moments in a productive manner. Instead I think of small petty things that could be used as excuses and to get rid of the guilt.
A person you knew told you that she gives out a small amount of money from her salary to the needy. You asked her why is she telling you that. She replies, just because. You told her she was doing a good, noble thing. Inside your head you say that she only does it in order to make herself feel better. You don’t have anything against her or the things she does. It’s just that almost everyone who lives a lavish life or not tend to give away small amount of charity to get rid of the guilt and to tell themselves that they have done their part.
Everyday you wake up and you get ready for work. As long as you worked, you didn’t feel guilty about how you spend your time. Work prevents you from the guiltiness. As long as you make some money and get out from the house everyday it was ok. Doing the same things everyday and being tossed around was normal, something to adapt to. As long as you had a job it was ok.
The days you don’t have to go to work. You want to spend quality time and have fun, normally you do. But when your friends are tied up and you have to spend your quality time all alone. You start to wonder and think about how you’re wasting your time and you start to feel pointless to the point that you feel it would be better if you were at work and being with the people you hated and detest would be relatively better rather than staying alone. Suddenly thinking that 'fight club ' wasn’t really a bad idea. People needed release and a fight club could give you just that.
You sat back and thought about your wins and loses and started thinking back times. You always did remember only the bad side of things and the negative parts. That’s what your friends said at least. Those were ages ago, now you’re and still bitter as you used to be although you feel more controlled and matured some people never change they say. Now you’re retired and no longer young. You had gone through many things and have had obtained the numerous things which you wished for when you were younger. Yet still, you ponder and question about your existence.
You sat there reminiscing…reminiscing. Reminiscing has to be one of the most overrated, overused words. It has been constantly used especially by rappers in their songs. They reminisce about their life in the hood. Little wonder, now that they’ve made it out of the hood, why still reminisce if you hate it so much. Let’s Move along…yeah lets move along before risking sounding like a hypocrite.
You always thought that people praising you were always a good thing. Now you’ve realized that it only made you feel better of yourself. It is however, common human nature to get acknowledged by others that makes one feel good. One of the most extravagant praise of all time was when I was in my early twenties and it might not be all true and honest but the praise itself was beyond anything you’d imagine.
There was this 30 something year old guy whom I worked with once. I got along more than fine with him and on one afternoon while we were talking, he suddenly jumped to a different topic than the one i was going on about as if remembering something important and exclaimed that he saw a movie. He then continued that the movie was entitled ‘passion of the Christ’, he said, “it was a sad movie and I cried like a baby and I tried to conceal it from myself being seen and the weird thing was, while I was watching it, quite funnily it reminded me of you.” His facial expression was almost sad and I liked to believe that he was sincere, but it clearly didn’t show that he was joking around. I on the other hand was…entertained. Although it wasn’t even a proper commend but it was meaningful enough for me to still remember it till today.
You once thought that you worked hard and you achieved all the things you had as a result of your own effort and endurance followed by an iron will of determination. On one hand it was true; on the other hand you were just living up to expectations and the path that was already bestowed before you every time you moved along. Everything that you needed to do was laid in front for you. Starting from kindergarten you were already expected to act in a certain way and perform to a certain extent. You never once asked why all this expectations? Instead you went through primary school and high school just following the path that was laid onto you. You didn’t regret following the path. You just regretted not having done it on your own conscience.
Do you still feel proud of yourself now? Of your accomplishments…when all you did was play along and live up to others expectation towards one goal, money.
Later you tell me that working is the most depressing phase that you had to go through and when you lose motivation you bought a car and before that was settled, and this time you thought ahead before losing your motivation again you decided to buy a house which left you with no choice but to keep on working. By doing so you raised up to your family’s expectation, your own expectation and your future wife’s expectation and then finally and predictably you get married tying a permanent knot to your everyday work life which leaves you with no other choice but to continue working at least till you reach the age 50. Not forgetting, gaining a troublesome liability. That perhaps is part of being a man.
You and I are the same. You go to every phase of life that either I had gone to or predictably have to go through. Perhaps this is just a game after all. To see who gets to the finish line first. A wise man once told me that a real man doesn’t complain instead he dealt with his problems patiently and calmly. In that case I guess I am still not man enough then.
Hollow Men
I was now looking into a small office and in it there was a man sitting in a huge cushioned chair which appeared to be clad with black leather. It looked out of place, seeing that everything else in the office was smaller. The desk in the office looked out of place accompanying the huge chair. It looked slightly larger than a coffee table than an actual desk. The office was occupied by three people including the one sitting. The other two were standing one on his left and the other on his right side.
I realized that the atmosphere in the room was dull. The office was poorly lit; it was as if the occupants in it didn’t like bright lights. The only sound that was visible was the sound of the people talking and the creaking sound coming from the ceiling fan which looked like it would come off its hook any moment. There were a few old pictures of strange men nailed to the wall.
The man sitting on the huge cushioned chair looked really cool and cold at the same time. He was formally dressed in white and black and he wore a pair of shiny black shoes. His hair unlike his dress code looked like he combed it with his hands with a huge amount of gel, letting out a tidy-untidy look. He had sharp facial features and was accessorized by a silver rimmed spectacle. His eyes looked calm giving out the impression that he was comfortable with himself.
He was talking to the guys who stood by his side and occasionally letting out a cool laugh. Both of the guys who stood beside him didn’t dress or looked as smart as he did neither did their physical appearance looked very well proportioned. One of them had a black fashionable sun glasses on. And they had similar gold chains and rings on them which made them look slightly gay despite their crude appearance.
As they were talking in the office, the door to the office was pushed opened giving out a slight screech and an appearance of a shadowy figure was staring at them. The shadowy figure now found its way in. The place was silent now and they were staring back and forth at each other for a few seconds. Clearly the occupants in the room didn’t know who the person was and were looking at the man with a surprised expression on their face. The man who walked in dressed in a handsome black coat but it was worn rather loosely without a tie and the top of his shirt were unbuttoned. He was thin and had a shallow face, his cheek bones was clearly visible and pale skin that looked like he lacked nutrition. He had eyes that looked like it could come out of its sockets if he tried and a sharp nose giving out a serious appearance. His hair was slicked back neatly and it looked as if it shined at times.
He was waiting for them to react but they didn’t, they were just staring at him blankly. He looked at them again and finally realized that they were waiting for him to state his objective. He finally said, “I am Slow Hands and I have a business proposal to let you know about.” With that he sat across the man in the huge seat into a small wooden chair that clearly states out, who’s the boss. “I hope you would find my proposal interesting and would be willing to join us.” The man in the huge leather chair said to him, “take a seat.” And then he continued staring at him. Slow Hands ignored what the man said and now, started with his business proposal and so Slow Hands began to state his proposal. He also elaborated on how it would be of benefit to them, if they decided to join with his company.
The man who sat in the huge seat was now giving out a faint smirk as he glanced at his workers. He remained silent and stared at Slow Hands as if he was anticipating to listen more of what else he had to say to support his proposal. Slow hands continued explaining desperately now. He exclaimed that it was the right thing to do and kept on insisting on how they should accept his offer clearly showing signs of weakness and desperation.
The man now as if getting more entertained gave out a hint of smile and said, “Go on”, And at the same time motioning with his hand as if ordering him to elaborate more. Slow hands obeyed and did just that. But as he went on explaining the guys on the other side started ignoring him and were having their own conversation and were clearly mocking Slow Hands. Slow Hands was agitated and stopped talking. He now glared at them with a nasty look in his eyes trying to conceal his anger.
The man with spectacles now bluntly said, “Look, I am not interested in your proposal and the things you said, means nothing to me. And I clearly don’t need you guys to help me out with the business that I built on my own.” He paused for a while and then continued, “By the way shouldn’t your boss come along too? Instead, he sends his assistant to meet me?” There was a moment of silence Slow Hands was thinking for a moment, he decided to answer, “I am sorry, but my boss isn’t good at negotiating, so I decided to come by myself.” The man looked at his workers in disbelief and said, “Did you guys listen to what he just said? Well that clearly lacks respect, doesn’t it!” he added. The guys beside him just nodded in approval.
Slow Hands was determined to make this work, but it clearly wasn’t going the way he anticipated it. He was beginning to feel the sweat on his forehead and the drops of sweat beneath his shirt. He started feeling uncomfortable and he began to shift uneasily on the small wooden chair he sat on. His eyes showed that he was desperately trying to find the right words to say. Suddenly a glimmer of hope appeared on his face as he sat straight once again. He said, without proper thought, “Ill do anything that takes for you to join us, and that, including giving my life.” The men were clearly amused listening to what Slow Hands just said. Though it didn’t last for long, the man replied, “you better be careful with the words you choose to say, I don’t like people who play with words just to prove a point. Saying things that don’t fit your position huh?” they glared at each other once more.
Slow Hands didn’t move an inch, trying to indicate that he really meant what he said. The man was clearly pissed looking at Slow Hands. He then, spread both his arms to his left and right and waited for a moment. Nothing happened; he looked even more pissed and looked at his workers. They looked back at him as if they didn’t understand why he lifted his hands. The man on the huge seat then tiredly said in a low agitated tone, “gun”. Immediately both of them placed their gun in his hands. He then placed the guns in his hand on the desk and he said, “Prove it.” Slow Hands stood up from his chair and reached for both of the guns. He then sat back in his seat, with the guns in his hands. He then placed his right hand with the gun on his chest and the other one he shoved it in his mouth. He paused a moment and smiled for a moment. The guys across him were dumbstruck as they witnessed Slow Hands actions.
As he held the guns in his hand, one pointed towards his chest and the other one in his mouth. He took the one from his mouth out and stated, “Perhaps, you too shouldn’t say or do just any thing to prove a point.” With that he put the other gun in his mouth and almost simultaneously pulled the triggers at the same time. The gun that was pointed to his chest now dropped to the floor with his hand while the one in his mouth was still in his mouth. Blood was now oozing from his body and his bloody head, staining the floor with a patch of dark blood.
“Shit” was the only word that came out from the guy seated on the huge chair. The two other although shocked still remained standing and silent. Finally, he continued, “life is a scary thing, you die in what u believe in. and for all I know he died for the wrong reason. What an idiot.”
“Bob!” he called out loud and one of the guys beside him came forward. “Get rid of the body!” he demanded.
I was feeling sick already and also thirsty by now. I stood up and hit the pause button and went down for a drink.
I realized that the atmosphere in the room was dull. The office was poorly lit; it was as if the occupants in it didn’t like bright lights. The only sound that was visible was the sound of the people talking and the creaking sound coming from the ceiling fan which looked like it would come off its hook any moment. There were a few old pictures of strange men nailed to the wall.
The man sitting on the huge cushioned chair looked really cool and cold at the same time. He was formally dressed in white and black and he wore a pair of shiny black shoes. His hair unlike his dress code looked like he combed it with his hands with a huge amount of gel, letting out a tidy-untidy look. He had sharp facial features and was accessorized by a silver rimmed spectacle. His eyes looked calm giving out the impression that he was comfortable with himself.
He was talking to the guys who stood by his side and occasionally letting out a cool laugh. Both of the guys who stood beside him didn’t dress or looked as smart as he did neither did their physical appearance looked very well proportioned. One of them had a black fashionable sun glasses on. And they had similar gold chains and rings on them which made them look slightly gay despite their crude appearance.
As they were talking in the office, the door to the office was pushed opened giving out a slight screech and an appearance of a shadowy figure was staring at them. The shadowy figure now found its way in. The place was silent now and they were staring back and forth at each other for a few seconds. Clearly the occupants in the room didn’t know who the person was and were looking at the man with a surprised expression on their face. The man who walked in dressed in a handsome black coat but it was worn rather loosely without a tie and the top of his shirt were unbuttoned. He was thin and had a shallow face, his cheek bones was clearly visible and pale skin that looked like he lacked nutrition. He had eyes that looked like it could come out of its sockets if he tried and a sharp nose giving out a serious appearance. His hair was slicked back neatly and it looked as if it shined at times.
He was waiting for them to react but they didn’t, they were just staring at him blankly. He looked at them again and finally realized that they were waiting for him to state his objective. He finally said, “I am Slow Hands and I have a business proposal to let you know about.” With that he sat across the man in the huge seat into a small wooden chair that clearly states out, who’s the boss. “I hope you would find my proposal interesting and would be willing to join us.” The man in the huge leather chair said to him, “take a seat.” And then he continued staring at him. Slow Hands ignored what the man said and now, started with his business proposal and so Slow Hands began to state his proposal. He also elaborated on how it would be of benefit to them, if they decided to join with his company.
The man who sat in the huge seat was now giving out a faint smirk as he glanced at his workers. He remained silent and stared at Slow Hands as if he was anticipating to listen more of what else he had to say to support his proposal. Slow hands continued explaining desperately now. He exclaimed that it was the right thing to do and kept on insisting on how they should accept his offer clearly showing signs of weakness and desperation.
The man now as if getting more entertained gave out a hint of smile and said, “Go on”, And at the same time motioning with his hand as if ordering him to elaborate more. Slow hands obeyed and did just that. But as he went on explaining the guys on the other side started ignoring him and were having their own conversation and were clearly mocking Slow Hands. Slow Hands was agitated and stopped talking. He now glared at them with a nasty look in his eyes trying to conceal his anger.
The man with spectacles now bluntly said, “Look, I am not interested in your proposal and the things you said, means nothing to me. And I clearly don’t need you guys to help me out with the business that I built on my own.” He paused for a while and then continued, “By the way shouldn’t your boss come along too? Instead, he sends his assistant to meet me?” There was a moment of silence Slow Hands was thinking for a moment, he decided to answer, “I am sorry, but my boss isn’t good at negotiating, so I decided to come by myself.” The man looked at his workers in disbelief and said, “Did you guys listen to what he just said? Well that clearly lacks respect, doesn’t it!” he added. The guys beside him just nodded in approval.
Slow Hands was determined to make this work, but it clearly wasn’t going the way he anticipated it. He was beginning to feel the sweat on his forehead and the drops of sweat beneath his shirt. He started feeling uncomfortable and he began to shift uneasily on the small wooden chair he sat on. His eyes showed that he was desperately trying to find the right words to say. Suddenly a glimmer of hope appeared on his face as he sat straight once again. He said, without proper thought, “Ill do anything that takes for you to join us, and that, including giving my life.” The men were clearly amused listening to what Slow Hands just said. Though it didn’t last for long, the man replied, “you better be careful with the words you choose to say, I don’t like people who play with words just to prove a point. Saying things that don’t fit your position huh?” they glared at each other once more.
Slow Hands didn’t move an inch, trying to indicate that he really meant what he said. The man was clearly pissed looking at Slow Hands. He then, spread both his arms to his left and right and waited for a moment. Nothing happened; he looked even more pissed and looked at his workers. They looked back at him as if they didn’t understand why he lifted his hands. The man on the huge seat then tiredly said in a low agitated tone, “gun”. Immediately both of them placed their gun in his hands. He then placed the guns in his hand on the desk and he said, “Prove it.” Slow Hands stood up from his chair and reached for both of the guns. He then sat back in his seat, with the guns in his hands. He then placed his right hand with the gun on his chest and the other one he shoved it in his mouth. He paused a moment and smiled for a moment. The guys across him were dumbstruck as they witnessed Slow Hands actions.
As he held the guns in his hand, one pointed towards his chest and the other one in his mouth. He took the one from his mouth out and stated, “Perhaps, you too shouldn’t say or do just any thing to prove a point.” With that he put the other gun in his mouth and almost simultaneously pulled the triggers at the same time. The gun that was pointed to his chest now dropped to the floor with his hand while the one in his mouth was still in his mouth. Blood was now oozing from his body and his bloody head, staining the floor with a patch of dark blood.
“Shit” was the only word that came out from the guy seated on the huge chair. The two other although shocked still remained standing and silent. Finally, he continued, “life is a scary thing, you die in what u believe in. and for all I know he died for the wrong reason. What an idiot.”
“Bob!” he called out loud and one of the guys beside him came forward. “Get rid of the body!” he demanded.
I was feeling sick already and also thirsty by now. I stood up and hit the pause button and went down for a drink.
