Storeys

When someone is not as lucky as you are, you try to help him, not mess with him… As we were all sitting there, some with their drinks and some waiting for the food they’ve asked for. A friend who ordered fried rice got his food and the portion on the plate was, ‘enough to feed 3 people’ as he mentioned. We continued talking and sipping on our drinks. It was already late and all I could think of was tomorrow and how I had to wake up early to head out for work. Needless to say thinking of work conjures up ill feelings. I am not sure why, most days things aren’t too strenuous, I suppose I shouldn't say things like that and risk jinxing myself. Back to the subject, this guy then after finishing his ‘nasi goreng for 3’ obviously drunk of rice said, ‘do you want this?’ he offered the garnishing on the side of the plate to another friend who almost nodded. Needless to say I voiced out my opinion and it wasn’t delicate.

Story2

The other day this middle aged couple came over, it was peculiar and just caught us off guard. The man then came up to us and proceeded to ask for money, there was some hesitancy in his voice and body language…normally we wouldn’t think much and spare some for the poor guy. We don’t care about what they’d do with the money, whether they were con artists or whatever…well we would probably feel offended if they used the money for drugs or abusive stuff. We were seated at the end of the table and our ‘man bag’ was placed on the centre of the table. We are not trying to make excuses. We really did feel bad of what happened.

The man then proceeded to say, ‘makan, makan’ while gesturing with his hand. How can one deny when someone says that? Our friends don’t mind spending hundreds of ringgits to get drunk and the lame drinks they ordered were almost 20 ringgit each. We should’ve and would’ve given him some money…but we didn’t want our friends seeing us doing that. Though we are over that, we wouldn’t act the same way again. Btw we sound like Gollum haha

Story3

Time and time again while conversing with certain friends. We spread this imaginary sheet of problems and we poke through it and examine it, in hope that a miracle would happen and we’d be able to put an end to this issue. For example things like, ‘how to have an eased mind’. We then drift off by talking on how certain view sees/believes in solving it. Though history proved that some actually believe in their methods, and it might’ve worked out for them, but it might not have the same effect to the normal man like you and I. The constant bickering on why one feels the gap, the emptiness, the alone-ness. Where one feels the void, lack of motivation, the objective of life seems pointless so redundant. Only ends up with the familiarity of misery and mystery.

Time and time again while discussing on the cause of unhappiness and the solution for happiness I forget to realize. It could probably not happen when you’re one with the masses, metaphorically speaking that is.

Suffering is pretty much inevitable and I have reached a stage where I want to accept that life is more to suffering while the rest are just things u do to avoid that suffering. However being a normal human; this becomes an argument and a scuffle within the self, where one says, ‘I knew something like this would happen' trying to accept and the other, ‘Shit! This is not happening to me!’

Poem Upheaval

Elderly people so full of follies,

Invoking clear doubts in my deities,

Elderly people full of follies,

A lonely life, oh bad memories,

Faces that masks, but at times it reveals,

The emptiness that lies deep within.

Adult men with power and social superiority,

A loser inside, encircled by inferiorities,

Chasing this ‘security’,

More things to lose more insecurities,

A sad-sad story, won’t you learn from history?

A suit, a tie, a high-ranking position,

12 hours a day, aspiring more and more everyday,

Increasing in riches, elevating in status,

What are you trying to accomplish?

Really! Who are you trying to astonish?

Been programmed by this dumb, brainless society.

The men today I have nothing to say,

In big organizations with a role to play,

A puppet controlled by an idiot with a fortunate pay,

The corporate world ooo gives everyone the shiver,

Hey look at me I am seeing people!

A rat race in dominating, conquering and capitalizing

The life is cruel; happiness a mere anticipation,

A test for real, everyday is derailed,

For ‘hope is the root of all evil’,

What is really my endeavor?

No plans to upheaval

What is real and what is unreal?

The things one does for survival.

Selling the soul to the devil,

No need to put me in hell when I hath expire,

When I die, simply place me back into this world.

Rocky Rocking

Sometimes I think that being him must be real fun. Though a nuisance to most people, I still think aside from being a nuisance to others, he's still fun, bold and real. I guess I see his attitude on disregarding everyone is something to look up to; to a certain extent that is. Oh and the rocky music never gets old. One of the main reasons on why I chose this clip from the rest.

Conscience

Past thoughts encircling I can feel a beckoning, a sort of signaling of something frightening. Sitting freely in an imaginary sanctuary—the imprisonment in the body suffocating the breathing.

Wittgenstein said, ‘the limit of my language is the limit of my world.’ and “we keep running up at the walls of our cage.” We keep running at the walls of our cage I said once in my head and once out loud. In a far distant place in my mind a voice seem to emanate a shout like, the greatest philosopher of the 19^th century…followed by a different voice, a German faggot oh nonetheless. Both of the voices then started arguing.

“Weren’t we the civilization of reading? But how did a civilization founded on reading forget the act of reading?” Kahlid Abu Fadel

More and more I detest people. Though I am sure I’ll miss them if they were gone. These people that make the world go round. Oh the sheer sight when the eye set on them it’s as if I see through them, able to read their mind; conflicting, dumbing, shallow and un-interesting. Solitude –the mere thought already appealing leaves one craving.

Like a wild animal in a cage, entertainment to the people who pays, to live in enslavement, prejudice and corruption. They point their fingers whilst superior in a bigger cage.

The man made hierarchy, an unjust institution, of stupid insinuations, upheaving the selfish industrialists; Wolves’ cladded in sheep’s clothing. Albeit under circumstances, the self too caught up in the web of the corporation in the hope to make a living.

My path still clouded, my oath misguided—lurking and looking to be embraced by the light striving in battles more losing than winning. My thirst not quenching, my hunger not subsiding, I close my eyes, my fingers drowned into my hair, my palms over my eyes trying to comfort the unhappy self.

“There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible, as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man” -Polybius.

'Note to Self'

In the midst of confusion—of people wanting to be accepted and recognized I notice inferiority complex and stupidity. Of course I say this when I witness them lashing out absurdities derived from ignorance and idiocy. I even see people coming out of their unaccepted, frail shells trying to take this opportunity to impress the rest. Why prove yourself in the first place? Stop proving yourself to others I even say to myself.

To you so called, self proclaimed, ‘well thought’ liberals:

God has promised those who alter God’s word unmitigated enmity and inevitable destruction (4:46, 5:13, 10:64, 18:27). Those who say about God what they do not know or what they are not authorized to say are held by God in utter contempt (2:80, 7:28, 10:68).

And a quote taken from the respected Abou Fadl, “The truth is the devil often works through the cover of piety. Often if u peel the shell of piety, you can see the devil grinning contently.”

I say this as a reminder to myself, don’t be too full of yourselves.

"Learn to know thyself! He who has understood himself has understood God "

-The Prophet-

Takraw

Things are going pretty well? Not really but its better than before certainly – is this just a short pause or as they say it, the calm before the storm, until something big happens? The emptiness still visits often… leaving him in despair and caught in claustrophobic darkness. The material world filled with tests, pain and struggle. Only the act of thinking of the omniscient and the omnipotence does solace and gratitude resurfaces.

Most of the time paranoia, a despicable close companion constantly a reminder on what and what could and might eventually happen. The soul shivers from the thought that its own mind delivers.

Though he had found what is important and gives him a sense of living but everything else are enablers, that enables him to continue walking into the journey of learning.

This is a reminder; as a friend would – a repetition to look at the bigger picture, do not be afraid of your superiors, and remember your dreams and the bigger goals. What we are doing here are enablers that enable us to do of what is of most importance to us though not entirely all significant to this world. One sacrifices a bigger part of his self and time so that when he has that little time, he could use it to realize his most important dream…

The perils, the faces and the phases one is put through, never easy to the human eyes, each one his own universe, with his own beliefs and perceptions…Despite the fact that most are short sighted, easily taunted and a product of conjectures.

The sinking of the heart, the trembling inside, and insecurity that leads to emptiness. Like a dark cloud blurring the vision, focusing on something of insignificance – All these feelings and emotions corrupting the mind, deforming it and weakening and encourages one to go astray.

And as usual the struggle goes on, walking down the path with thorns and fears of all kind all around, ever so carefully especially from the subtle whispers that most of the time goes unaware of. It is known that the self encompasses of both good and evil, man capable of both good and evil… To be in constant control and tame the self within. A duty for the ordinary man—to extend his hand, to what he's preaching.

Merely Quoting

Seeing that I don’t really have the leisurely time to come up with my own fiction for the time being…this time around, I decided that I would just quote others in their beliefs and thoughts. This however would probably be the first part of perhaps a couple more. The Subject, mainly being on the ways and beliefs towards the pursuit of happiness, according to some highly esteemed people.

My purpose in writing this is mainly to share with others on how people have different beliefs and methods of thinking. I have always been interested in people and the way they think and how diversify and interesting thoughts can get. By knowing these thoughts, I am assuming one would be more opened and be able to reflect on their own beliefs and perhaps study themselves and their beliefs a little more.

According to the Spanish philosopher Seneca, happiness can only be achieved by having a sound mind in constant possession of its soundness; then a brave and energetic mind. Which is also gifted with the noblest form of endurance; able to deal with circumstances of the moment..Everlasting freedom and tranquility follow once we have banished all that vexes and frightens us.

Emboldened by the stoic belief that happiness is independent of mere circumstance, he accepted the ’blessings of fortune’ without embarrassment or shame, yet remained fully prepared to relinquish them a t a moment’s notice.

On a different note, Marcus Aurelius the Roman explains that happiness feels more like wrestling than dancing because it requires us to, “stand prepared and unshaken to meet what comes and what we did not foresee.”

Epicurus said, ‘Those who least needs extravagance enjoy it most. The happy man is not he who drinks when thirsty but he who has no thirst. It is not that we want food, drink and shelter (although that’s how we appear to feel) but we want not to be hungry, not to be hungry and not to be cold; we become truly happy not when we satisfy our desires but in the next moment: the moment we realize there are no desire left to satisfy.”

Lucretius a student of Epicurus, on addressing the people said, “Their ‘greatest joy’ was to stand aloof in a quiet citadel, stoutly fortified by the teaching of the wise, and to gaze down from that elevation on others wandering aimlessly in a vain search for the way of life, pitting their wits against one with unstinted effort to scale the pinnacles of wealth and power of joyless hearts of men! O minds without visions.”

Cicero on Epicurus who have claimed to become insensitive to pain while having memories of conversation with close friends said, “No memory however ecstatic can prevent anyone from feeling pain. A man exposed to unbearable heat does not comfort himself by remembering that he once took a cool bath.”

This from one of the Indian kitabs entitled, Yoga: path to happiness

“An old Indian story tells of Viveka, a new born prince, whose enemies in the royal household put him into a basket and sent it floating down the river. The infant was rescued from death by a peasant couple who raised him as their own. (This is the story of Mosses but with the social classes reversed.) Unaware of his true birth, Viveka nonetheless suspected that he had come from somewhere else, because his true mother, true family and true home all appeared to him in dreams. On his sixteenth birthday he left to search for them. After journeying for more than seven years, he found his way back to his true home. When he reached the royal palace, where his family had waited so long for his return, he discovered that the king his father, had died. Viveka knew that he was now king, yet struggled to find his kingly nature; raised in a world of poverty and hardship, he knew only how to be a peasant, overtime, and under the patient guidance of his teachers, Viveka cast off his comfortable yet mistaken identity and embraced the strange new reality of the person that, unbeknown to himself, he had been all along.

Of course, Viveka is not a real person, and there never was a peasant who, by some outrageous good fortune, turned out to be a prince. Viveka cannot be real because he is something more than real: he is an archetype, a revealing pattern for the course of human life. In this pattern of separation and reunion we might recognize, perhaps to our astonishment that we ourselves feel divorced from our true nature and long to be reunited with it. Viveka’s mythical search through the jungles of north india is the symbol of our actual search for our true but hidden self, yet waiting for us to find it, waiting for us to come home.”

I’ll end with this paragraph derived from Ramakrishna

“Man is always restless; always moving from place to place…fact that he is dissatisfied with his finite nature shows that it is not his natural condition. The fact that he has infinite ambition, that he has insatiable hunger for more and more, proves that he is infinite by nature.”

Feel free to come up with your own opinions and probably agree on the quotes you find agreeable. Thank you.

Manggis

Mysterious on the outside,

Green, purple, brownish and red,

A mystery you are, till your ugly skin is pressed and spread,

Like a diamond covered in a blood bounded ball,

White, pure, perfectly shaped in slices of eights,

And again a portrayal of the ugly side,

Sticky, foul, ill mannered, I contemplate,

Reminds me of a girl I used to date,

Sweet and memorable when the taste buds get a taste,

But more than often infested with insects and pests,

Most of the time only pleasant to the visible eyes,

Till the foulth hath gone into the mouth,

you realized you've misinterpret,

And just like a fly, you keep inviting yourself back again.

Updates!

Hello people! Yes I know I haven’t been updating my blog. Not that I don’t have things to write about. Hmm…Imma goona choose to blame this on work, I’ve been assigned to newer tasks at work ergo causing me difficulty to slack off. Yea I know, sucky-sucky.

So instead of spending time writing and consuming myself with constructive thoughts that leads to an eventual bitter view on things, I have to work instead. Yes, agony! haha.

I’ve been writing stuff in my sketch book and occasionally jotting down stuff that I’d like to turn into entries. So I would like to think that I would come up with an entry soon enough.

At the moment I am reading a reely good book called, ‘the conference of books’ by Khaled Abou El Fadel regardless of the beautiful way of putting words into writings, which made reading more lucid and enjoyable. The important messages/ experiences conveyed and on proper understanding of stuff.

What really stirred, incited, evoked and motivated me was when I read about how the author gave details on the importance of reading. Well I could explain more about it, but you would probably not share the same sentiment. So if you could get a hold of the book, you would know where I am coming from. It would be safe to assume that I am more inspired and self assured or in other words I was encouraged to make reading one of the main priorities in life.

On a different note, I am not sure if you’re aware of my Stop Littering group but lately I’ve been talking with people who share the same interests, who are more devoted and better organized than I am. In the near future in the event of things working out, I’d be joining hands with these guys and work on necessary things.

Again jumping out of topic, I know this is pretty prudish, but if you have constructive reading materials, do let me know so that I can borrow it from you hehe. It gets pretty boring reading stuff and having no one to share and talk with, on the book that is.

I’d also like to say that I am pretty weary and not in favor of the way things are. But I guess, it reminds me on whom I am and where I am living in, a weakly, dependant human. Nevertheless, my survival skills or luck has been pretty impressive, so here is to a stronger more filled with wisdom life in the future.

Wow, who said I couldn’t rant? Haha. Imma gonna leave you guys with this clip which obviously I find interesting, enjoy!

p.s. damn clip took sooo long to download and then to upload, you better like this! So please go, ‘soobarashii!’ when you're done with it haha

Gatsuby!

Hm say what you want and i know i've been going on and on abt this commercial, but this is a diff one from the last one..and even better! the tune is sangat catchy btw haha

Bitter in Error

A hint of a smile,

When your eyes sets on mine,

A grin spread across your face,

Enlightening and divine…

Only these thoughts constantly fixed on my mind.

For a moment there,

All troubles seem to fade away,

In a fantasy world of you and I,

Just the two of us leaning in, so endearing

A Temporary getaway,

Perhaps escapism or a hideaway,

For before I gain wisdom,

Your presence alone lies in mind

But reality being a stronger force,

Awakens us with an abrupt force,

Treacherous, corrupt, malignant and self-centered,

Wretched and withered,

away with my peace of mind

All pretty on the outside,

A joyous view to look at,

Everybody acknowledges,

Oh you the public delight!

Humbled I am, into feeling this way,

Dazzled by beauty, forgetting equality,

Though I am a man, still appealed to splendor,

A dreamer, a hopeful, a daylight dreamer

Seeing I see not,

Hearing I hear not,

Judgments went wrong,

Instincts in error,

No need to construe further...?

SunnyDay Knot

In the distant future a war broke out between a big country and an even larger one. Needless to say, the consequences were devastating. The war changed the world, as we knew to a dissimilar almost unearthly place. Many today see this war to be one of the most significant turning points in the current post postmodern history.

There were many who predicted and prophesized that in the year 2012 something astonishing would happen--apocalypse, massive destructions, natural disasters and the likes… indeed many incidences occurred, one of them however was more wondrous than disastrous; Kate Beckingsale, Scarlet Johansson and Emma Watson got married to the same guy, a once ordinary Asian dude, who plays football and who gets afraid of the dark sometimes.

Back to the subject, in 2012 something terrible happened to the Sheikh and his brothers who owned Man city; they went penniless. And like dominos, the same happened to the other oil dwelling countries. This is believed to be one of the main reasons that prompted the war.

On the bright side, there was still enough oil to maintain the current demands and to keep things moving along for a couple more years. But Instead of saving whatever fuel that is left, these countries went berserk and cultivated plans to own oil reserves from other countries. Thus they used whatever oil they had with them in their all out war against terror, or so they proclaimed.

The war went on for what seemed a lifetime. For day and night they fought nonstop the war gradually and as expected began to spread. Needless to say it was a moment of growing chaos and uneasiness.

Other countries one by one started showing their stand and supports. This succumbed to an all out war. Almost every single country had a feud with another. This war would be known as ‘World War, The Fall of humanity.’

The war went on for nearly a year until on a gloomy Wednesday around 21 o clock, Something unexpected happened, to everyone’s shock; during this time of war and obliteration a meteorite hit a part of the earth and caused nearly a quarter of the whole world’s population to perish. The world now had a deficiency, a hole in it. It was no longer round, no longer oval in shape.

The war ended the very next day. People were devastated and terrified. The larger country that was the other main protagonist in this war became non-existent due to the meteorite hitting it. Some was convinced that it had to be the wrath of God.

In the coming years like most things in history, people came to know of the meteorite or the punishment of God as a conspiracy. One country invented a new powerful bomb that was made to appear and act like a meteorite and was obviously able to cause a colossal amount of destruction.

This fact was hidden from the outside world for so long by the country that invented the bomb so as to not receive bad press from the media. Though a few years later, someone felt the need to gloat about it and leaked the video of the bomb making process on itube, the scientist who built it posted it. He went by the name, Jerry Einstein.

A year went by and People were still predicting that it was only a matter of time till the world came to an end given the damage that it has been through and judging from the current state that it’s in.

Presumably, One would think that the citizens of the world would be nicer to each other or focus on leading a peaceful life with one another. That didn’t happen though. Humans were forgetful and spiteful.

Their forgetfulness amounted to separations and segregations. There were 2 groups one was powerful, and the other weak. Although the human population was at its lowest in history, hatred accompanied by pride and greed was still running strong.

It came to a point where one group didn’t want to be in the least bit similar to the other. The dominant with their new inventions would try to detach them-selves in whichever way they could from their weak peers.

There were also no fat people in the world anymore, on one side they had the advancement and technologies to remain fit and had the perfect body they always wanted. On the other they just lacked food.

In Recognition to the war, Desperate men in times of war and calamities often come up with new amazing inventions and due to the already advancement in technology; these inventions appeared unreal and one that defied human nature. They were now working on the manipulation of the human organs. Despite the investments, sacrifices and effort made, the results were not credible. However In the year 2016 they did manage to change the color of blood, I’ll come to that in the next paragraph or the subsequent one.

In refuting these inventions and means of separation, a statesman from the weak side obviously, in his speech said that humans are mortals no matter what means they used to appear inhumane or immortal. Towards the end of his speech he stated, ‘people disregarding how powerful, beautiful or how much they try to distinct themselves from the rest, when they need to excrete, they have two options, either sit or squat.’

This same man, A few years before in his speech said, ‘we are all the same inside’, the other side then confronted and disproved him by changing their blood colors from red to every other color there was in a rainbow. They could pick any color.

His speech hit them like a huge earthquake it shook and hurt their egos. Upon hearing it they immediately requested and funded a team to research for alternative methods to excrete. They also had the statesman canned in public before sending him to his death. They had enough of rebels and wanted to make him as an example. The speaker however became an icon for his beliefs and his bravery. His name… was Mahmood Gandi.

Several months after the death of Mr. Mahmood Gandi, the powerful side gave birth to a new magnificent invention; the ‘Capsule toilet’. One merely had to take off their clothing and lay down as if they were sleeping and do their business. It was pretty huge, like a larger version of a tanning bed. They merely had to go in with their pants off.

It was exactly like a capsule; it had a door handle to it, obviously after you were affirmed as the user of the capsule by the capsule’s system first. And in the inside there was a compartment shaped exactly for the user alone. In other words it was customized for one person alone. In addition to these people being high and mighty, they had to make it extravagant.

They added many functions and features to it. One could do pretty much everything one wish to in it. It was air-conditioned. And by either using verbal commands or by tapping on a the specified button, one could; eat, Nap, shower, watch TV, go on the internet (watch porn), play games, call a friend or a family member and of course use it as a toilet. There were many other applications in which, if the user had found a liking towards, could just have it downloaded.

It was really elegant and fashionable looking. The price of this machine was the equivalent to several posh houses. It was the ‘in’ thing during these times. The catch phrases used for marketing purposes were: ‘heaven in a capsule’, ‘Now you can really have the ‘space’ you always wanted’ and ‘I lie down to do my businesses, inhumane!’

In the frenzy of the spreading of this trend amongst the Powerfools, People started to be more and more distant with others, to the extent of neglecting their already neglected family members. This problem then exponentially started to worsen…when they refused to come out. At first they were in it for a day or so, but then they started to fall in love with their new home and one day turned to two and like that the numbers increased.

Something peculiar then occurred, one after another in their special confinements started dying in their customized new home. This feature however wasn’t stated in the manual, but seeing that it seemed appropriate and already convenient for use. And knowing that they would’ve wanted it, the deceased were buried in with their expensive capsules.

The weaker side believed this occurrence to be the wrath of God. But the mightier side believed it to be a terrorist conspiracy or even a coincidence. In the cemetery, a friend of the deceased was giving a speech, “we believe that we are gods and the weak have to believe in a God, because they are too weak to depend on their own and to him alone they could confide in and seek for help. What else does that says, but an acceptance to one’s weakness.”

Selamat Hari Raya

I don't mean to be a buzz kill. Having said that, you know it is going to be a buzz kill, a complete spoiler and a distasteful commment. Try not to take it that way though. This is just something I noticed, I noticed that its more about culture, tradition and hereditary.

Do you know

yea i keep asking myself that too...

Entangled Web

The old man was sitting opposite the younger man at the dining table having their breakfast. I myself was seated nearby, also eating what they were having. At first, I was merely having a normal breakfast, trying to finish up the uninteresting overcooked scrambled eggs on my plate. The old man then started talking to the younger one; I noticed something odd with the old man with the way he was addressing the younger man. He was talking in a normal tone to the younger man but at the same time it seemed like he was trying to pressure the young man with discomfort and uneasiness.

Maybe I was being too sensitive and touchy but I remember eyeing the old man feeling agitated. I was now looking at his frown and noticing the pain behind his eyes, immediately the notion that I could I identify with the old man came over me. I should probably call the old man by a name, it only seems appropriate; let’s call the old man Dol. And then I got to thinking that I and Dol, We were not that different. As I looked at his old aging face I couldn’t help but also notice that the hair on his head was almost all white.

Dol kept on staring at the younger man and I was at Dol; he only shifted his eyes slightly when the young man took notice. However the younger man was totally oblivious to what was going on. Let’s call this particular young man, Uth. Dol, looked like he was a battle with himself trying really hard to suppress whatever it is that was going through inside him, he started to put his focus on the food he was eating instead of persisting on glaring at Uth.

Now then, a little on Uth, Uth was a young man who once you set eyes on him…once you set eyes on him you can’t help but instantly notice how incredibly handsome and how perfectly molded of a specimen he was. He was the type of person, who attained everything he wanted. Uth was a smooth talker and had the confidence of skyscrapers but he didn’t really had to sweet talk to get what he wanted. A smile was sufficient.

However this made him insensitive and inconsiderate towards others. He had the tendency to blurt out awful degrading comments and was often too fond to boast about how good and smart he was in manipulating people. I myself didn’t have anything personal against him and saw it as his search for identity and a phase his young mind was going through.

Surely with good looks, good fortune and the ignorance of living a difficult life would lead to such consequences.

It got annoying though when he started talking about the girls he been with and started to show pictures of them. But it didn’t bother me as much as it did the old man I suppose. I was actually quite impressed looking at his trophies and tokens that he didn’t hesitate to flaunt. I’ve been out with Uth plenty of times and it was amusing to see and compare Uth to other guys. Other guys put a ton of effort and do a whole lot of special things to get into a girl’s heart. Uth just had to be present and he had them in his grasp. I often smiled when I saw how other men looked at him with envy and some with anger.

Dol on the other hand, said to me that despite his years of living, half of the things mentioned by Uth were completely foreign to Dol. To add to Dol’s misery, Uth who was young enough to be his son; Uth had properties and had done things that Dol still haven’t done and will probably never have. And all that Uth procured with little trouble. It was only obvious that Uth was not aware of the tension and bitterness flowing around him. Uth was from a different generation and his parents were quite well off. To him it seemed normal and was his birth right to own these luxuries.

I planted my eyes on Dol now, I saw myself in him, he had pain, remorse and dissatisfaction I turned my gaze at Uth now, I thought that I also saw myself in him, he had oblivion, ignorance, arrogance and a hint of happiness in him.

The old man looked weary, with not much fight left in him. His voice was hoarse and like all old people he was cranky. I felt disgust enveloping me, I soon found myself taking fault at Dol’s immaturity. Though I could identify with him, doesn’t mean he had a reason to express his anger towards another.

Immediately a thought came to me, am I being disrespectful to the elderly? Yes, I was. But doing so without showing does not count, right? Knowledge and wisdom earns respect. Old age are deserving of respect. I do agree with that, just not a 100 percent, maybe 80 percent. It is not easy respecting someone evil or someone who thinks that they’re good and delude themselves by doing good deeds in return to be stereotyped as a good godly person.

But fear and fret not old man, the young man though not yet introduced to the disparities and the unfairness of life; life has its way on, corrupting one’s mind. In most cases they’re already confused and unaware hedonists. Some are delusional and deluded enough into believing the most absurd things. For this I constantly feel timid, weak and constantly in awe at the capability of the mind. Besides nothing lasts forever, he will eventually age and his glory days will eventually come to an end. I was conversing with the old man, Dol in my head.

An uneasy emotion ran through me, something wasn’t right. A few seconds later, a distant sound of metal clattering was to be heard, I stretched forward and set my eyes on the gate in front. Someone familiar was opening the gate, more relatives! I groaned. One of the younger ones were Opening the gates to make way for their cars to get in, there were two. Great, I sighed and climbed upstairs.

As soon as they settled in, the chattering commenced. Their overwhelming presence was evidently felt and I could literally feel the lessening of breathing air in the house; I decided to go out for a walk. I walked past them smiling meekly whilst cursing inside.

I enjoy slow walks; they have the ability in making me feel alive. Although the air wasn’t clean, the atmosphere was still good and walking slowly obviously made the world appear less hasty. Nearly 10 minutes passed by, I was still walking at the side of the road until I suddenly noticed something and came to an abrupt stop. I was in a state of delirium. Was I dreaming? I moved my toes hidden in my shoes, slapping myself would’ve appeared too obvious and highly exaggerated.

Guided by the bright sunlight, an angel descended from the heavens above. Of course I knew straightaway she was the one or perhaps that’s what I wanted to think. But I wasn’t really thinking, you know. Nevertheless, I was dedicated and had to make sure not to let her slip away.

I walked patiently towards her and established conversation…I always liked the word ‘establish’ it gives one the impression of something accomplished or something successfully built.

Back to the topic, she was well spoken, well mannered, so gentle and observant. I figured all that whilst speaking to her and at the same time forming an opinion. She was obviously taught well in mannerism and on social skills. I on the other hand was extremely clouded and the decisions I made were hugely influenced by the way she looked. She was so beautiful that I wanted to confess and express the love that I felt for her, of course I didn’t.

To my liking and to your surprise, it went well. How often do you (I) get to make good conversations with an extremely good looking person, who is not too dumb or too shallow? This gave me hope, high hopes!

Once again to your surprise, we made arrangements to meet again. I was floating with ecstasy, my mind affected by mushy feelings. She was noble as she was pretty, her beliefs and opinions remarkably piety. I was surprised, I was shocked, I felt as if I’ve just dug out and discovered the world’s most exquisite treasure. I became obsessed with her, I wanted to know and learn all about her, and I plastered myself in her presence.

And so I began to learn, despite not being able to keep a level head, I noticed little things like how her actions contradicted with her remarks and on how she was obsessed with her beauty and on preserving it. But as it is no secret, I was in a trance I was demeaned to this sickly one sided love. My extravagant fascination, shooed away any incoming thoughts that disagreed with my passion and the way I felt for her.

On our second outing out, she asked me on what I do for a living and questions regarding my stability. Of course she didn’t ask that straight away, but her questions were formed in such a way, just more delicate and unsuspecting. I got the hint though and answered: I was a laborer, a weak creature dependant on many things. I am frail, insignificant, a normal human. The only stability that I can be sure of is on my instability. Of course it was dramatized, maybe even philosophized though completely true if thought about. But I was curious as to see how she’d respond.

Amazed was I when I witnessed a glint in her eye, unexpected and unlike the angel I bragged I knew. That is a sign, a bad sign I heard myself saying. Before I could rephrase or laugh off what I just said. She looked at me, her eyes as if pitying me, she smirked a little and smilingly said goodbye. She walked away! I raised my arm signaling her to stop.

My heart now broken into several pieces, as I clasped them in my hands, I looked down at them, they seemed impossible to mend. I wished I had then the benefit of doubt, a backup plan for when things go wrong. I fell about 20 feet from ground without any mattress to support my fall, I fell hard.

A few days later I gradually started to recover from my high fever. I busied myself with mostly useless things. But I was being professional about it; no matter the method…we only want results!

A few more days later, as I was still in the midst of recovering and a little bored of video games, I decided on doing something healthy. I went for a walk, a walk that would be a painful one. As I was going about on my journey of self recuperate; to my surprise I saw Uth driving his mobile with the angel, the angel whom I once thought was mine, emitting her beauty to in the vicinity of her surroundings. They were both so beautiful, as much as I hated to admit they looked great together. I could’ve sworn they were releasing splendor as they made their way through.

I contemplated on dropping down and planting my fists on to the ground. But that seemed all overly acted and artificial. Instead I smiled embarrassed and impressed at the coming togetherness of two material creatures. Both meant for each other, the kings and queens of the world.

I could see my transparent thoughts, how foolish and naïve, how easily I fall into pot holes and traps. I see now how one’s tendency towards pleasure can ruin a whole night and let the consequences follow up to next morning.

The next morning, I was seated beside the old man opposite to Uth. The old man didn’t look angry, but he was making me angry. He wasn’t looking at Uth but at me, smiling and amused. He was observing my discomfort and obviously enjoying it. I tried to ignore Dol and was too engrossed in eyeing Uth sharply with envy and the growing of low self esteem. But his glare was too much to bear, ‘Let’s hope I don’t end up old and bitter like you, Dol’. I stated and I meant what I said coming back to my senses.

Dol studied me for a while, and almost apologetically whispered to me, ‘did he steal your girl too?’ at first I couldn’t muster nor digest his words. Too disturbed and confused with what I just heard. I decided that it was time to go out for a walk.

Gnarles Barkley/ Chris Mills

This here is a powerful video; creative, original and i guess most people can relate to.Ought to be considered as one of the few brilliant video clips ever made. As for getting heart broken, i am sure it works both ways...you break peoples heart and at times get your heart broken. Circle of life, or something like that...yea? no? hehe

'Man'ifesto

The desires and urges innately instilled,

Every day it grows and demands for new thrills,

Given birth into societies that misinforms,

Fighting against it, like crossing strong tides.

To disregard the whispers that comes from within,

The head, the heart? Where-- its origin?

Urging and condoning the doing of bad things,

I look into myself, who is this person who says such things?

In facing the ocean, so faint in power,

Feeling the faint by just staring at the torrents,

So weak and tiny, so little and puny,

Regardless of that, I man am still ‘high and mighty’,

In a delusional state, this mind creates its own state.

To be nice to the un-nice,

And be kind to the unkind,

To look away from the inconsiderate and selfish,

To say no! To the things the self suggests,

No need to restrain the devils outside, for inside lies a living one,

I am my own evil, to tame it my endeavor.

To respect and accept,

To regard highly towards the lowly,

To refrain from looking at things appealing,

To avoid from hearing whispers that demeans,

To restrain from consuming vehemently,

To control the self painstakingly.

Living life in a wide thorny space,

Each step vulnerable and potential to harm,

An opportunity opens up and to seize it you shant!

In protecting the self from the self it is from,

As absurd as it sounds; my friends, insight can be found.

The dreams and desires, within the heart,

Been nurtured, from seeds now sprouted into trees,

Running it roots entangled deep,

A mighty opponent, prepared to triumph,

Constantly at war and disagreeing with all things,

A fight between the voices within.

To be kind to the unkind,

To smile in dire and remain calm,

To restrict and constraint,

To achieve and succeed, to overcome and supersede,

All of which remain stagnant and dreary,

For talk is easy, to be aware at all times, not so easy.

Metronomy

it's funny...or so i think.

Care!

The old woman was seen crossing the road, with a blue colored umbrella in her left hand. The sun wasn’t being very nice either, it was ferocious, and it didn’t seem to care. The cars, buses, the heavy vehicles flooding the roads, they all gushed along and didn’t seem to care. The observant juvenile sitting at the bus stop, because he didn’t know where to wait, he at least thought he didn’t seem to care about what others might think--all the while witnessing the happenings around him.

The old woman now managed to cross the road was seen on the other side, now accompanied by her husband only as old. They awaited there standing in the hot sun. They were getting on the bus together; the bus signified the reeks of smoke and poverty, of classlessness and humility.

The beggar with one working eye sitting on the dusty roadside with a crumpled metallic cup in front of him, laid down there to seek sympathy. The beggar though had resentment in his one eye and when people walked by he didn’t seem to beg, he didn’t seem to care.

The motorcyclist just got hit by a car, now the cause of a massive jamm. A source of entertainment, a scary sight, a time for contentment, a time to feel bad for a second, a lesson to some, a time for cussing for some…but none got of their cars, it was as if they didn’t seem to care. Fellow motorcyclist reaching out in help and some were seen uneasy on the phone trying to probably reach the ambulance. The body now brought to the sidewalk and covered with pages from the newspapers. Now dead, the traffic seems to go about as usual. Death arrives in a shocking approach; Taking the soul away out of the realm of deceptions.

The juvenile shocked and saddened from what he saw. So shocked and weakened unable to be awakened.

The day turned late, a few minutes went by and there appeared the slum, play time for the poor kids out of their dirty flats; encircling the street with their cheap two wheels; dangerously—maneuvering, recklessly and daring; as if to proclaim, death don’t scare me!

It was then dawn, another group of kids seen to be on their feet, walking in a broken line, so nonchalantly; oblivious to the tragic future that awaits them… Their dirty uniforms, their passed down school bags, ragged and thorn, their malnourished features, a sight of disgust; but the smile on their faces so genuine and pure, regardless of what awaits them in the future a child rejoices every minute of light.

The juvenile than noticed a dispatch on his bike, stopping at the side to have a moment to himself, puffing on the cigarette, as if giving meaning to life. The juvenile looked into his eyes and saw; this indignant, now pride-less office boy, ordered around like a fool with strings tied to his limbs. The look of remorse, the look of rage, the look of regret, and the look of failure…the fate of his carrier already assumed in place. The crooked, the sleazy, the prosperous fuckers, dresses so well to conceal their ugly faces, obviously without a care but for themselves, unaware of the presence and of the timid transporting animal.

The juvenile stood up and shook his head, letting out a deep sigh within himself. He looked without hope, losing all will and extending his hands towards the skies, praying aloud for a cycle of change.

Unable to answer, why the old do suffer? Why the poor then hunger and the weak constantly in terror? But the selfish and greedy lives happily ever after. When ignorance and arrogance rule the world, the hopeful and faithful appear idle.

Wait, the world is but a test, Says the believer….

“To me it seems that to give happiness is a far nobler goal that to attain it: and that what we exist for is so much more a matter of relations to others than a matter of individual progress: much more of a matter of helping others to heaven than of getting there ourselves.”

Lewis Carol.

Review kot

I managed to finish yet another book. I don’t know why but every time I do, it appears like a big deal to me. It could be the lack of belief in myself or something else. Over the years I’ve read many books almost without prejudice, hence no matter whom the author or what the genre… I would be more than happy to read it—except for Tom Clancy’s or anything similar to that. In doing so I also developed interests in certain genres and writers. Today, however I only read materials that are either really entertaining, according to preferred genres or by authors who comes highly recommended or authors whom books I’ve read before.

Although I do read for the sake of entertainment, I rather think that I read to gain a wider knowledge and perhaps gain a better perspective on things. Knowing that I am about to learn something new and that I am doing something beneficial adds to life being a tad more productive.

I too have gained an interest in reading books by foreign writers, by foreign I mean not from the states or the UK. And when it comes to Malaysian authors, I become prejudiced and immediately my interest in reading them crashes down…maybe because Malaysian writers are crap. I do read Kesusasteraan melayu though, I had to at school and upon reading I discovered the wonders of reading. In other words, because of that I started reading; I owe it all to kesusasteraan.

Normally I don’t write about the books I read but this one, this one deserves a few commentaries at the least. As you may know already, by reading certain materials…the contains at times might influence/effect one’s mind for a brief period especially during and right after finishing it.

I too have a penchant on reading books by Japanese authors such as Junichiro Tanizaki, Haruki Murakami and a few others. This one if I am not mistaken was the first of a Japanese woman author (Natsuo Kirino). Knowing that she authored a few other books that have won or at least been nominated at prestigious book awards increased my interest on wanting to read it.

If you’re familiar with Japanese books, the novels are normally written in the form of a memoir and are more than often deadly honest, either that or I just happen to read books such as that. The writers too appear Uncaring on what others might think. This to me is impressive.

Okay enough of rambling; this particular book is entitled ‘Grotesque’ I knew that these authors were as honest as one gets as I mentioned before and to give you an picture, by honest I mean, any flashing or brief thoughts will also be accounted for which goes to show that their attentiveness to details.

Maybe I am just being sensitive or overwhelmed because I just finished it. But although I am clearly exaggerating here, I would go as far to say that it took a little part of my soul away.

As u read along you’d notice a deep sense of loneliness in the characters and how each and everyone compare themselves to others and how they seek acceptance. Even though it reeks of realism and everyday life, I can’t help but notice the pessimism in the author. The book, as you read and think that it couldn’t get any worse, just gets worse. To put it simply it’s gets pathetic, even more than pathetic and reaches beyond pathetic as you go along.

It also notifies on how the cold classist society that we live in begins from a very young age and nurtures one to become the accordingly when they grow up. Time and time again the characters cease not to point out that one’s fate is decided the day it’s born.

And I as a reader, as I try to escape the harsh and cruel realities of life by means of escapism through reading, the reader is pulled into an even crueler revelation of life.

It also gives an impression that no matter what u do by profession, how beautiful you are you will end up old and old age becomes a wicked realization in the end all one would succumb to; is an empty hole and a meaningless life and will have to live according to what is set by society; Leaving death as a release.

And that no matter how rich, smart, beautiful, talented or pure one will succumb into becoming a slave for material and petty rules of society, in this book prostitution.

While the oppressed remains oppressed the oppressor too is oppressed

Having said all that I have, I would like to add that people or authors lacking in belief and spirituality can only get so far, despite having an in-depth consciousness, precision in life and a high level of intelligence. A person without spirituality can go as far and still remain empty.

Lastly I would say that this book is basically a whirlwind of expressions concerning the reality and sadness of life. One might think that it is overly done and overly dramatized but it is simply the truth of the worsening condition of the current state of society.

Of Idiocy and Self Contradictory

I know this better than you!

Yes, as the title says, I am saying that I know better than you. Though knowing that you guys are just kids and most probably without the proper level of some might say intelligence, insight followed by the inability to comprehend something deeper than what your shallow/ one dimensional mind can muster. I am going out of my way and being thoughtful enough in sending out this message of understanding and realization.

Proclaiming, to proclaim, Worst still to self proclaim! In full earnest to self proclaim that one is a nice person is already revolting and a clear sign of one not being ‘nice’. How can a person categorize…or worse still a group of people putting themselves in the circle of this so called ‘nice guys’ movement?

Alright then, the main issue here being; feeling used and unappreciated or to put it more bluntly on not getting laid as often. If you allow yourself to be used, then why complain? Shut up and go on living like that. Think of it as an investment…who knows that one day your cruel intentions will pay off. After all being ‘nice’ comes down to getting in someone else’s pants as a reward. I am not even saying that you should be ashamed of yourself. I am neither saying nor even to remotely give the slightest inclination that I am a nice person. All I am saying that it is not nice.

However I am going to say this, if one does something with a clear conscience with pure intentions, one will not complain off being used, logical enough?

Who are you trying to kid with such resentments, disappointments as an effect, resulted to this burst of emotions…emotions filled with anger, if not yourself? A fuming expression on not getting laid or being paid with the outcome that u have time and time again pictured in your head. I am not saying that I don’t do that…I am just saying that it’s not nice.

There are nice guys, nice people in this world but almost no one is constantly in the ‘nice mode’ for one to be always nice at all times, is illogical. Because a person before doing something or acting on anything will refer to the self and on what it has to gain, unless that one is selfless.

Although I might agree with your shallow, biased definition of ‘nice’, the correct meanings of the word, ‘nice’ are: pleasing, agreeable, delightful, amiably pleasant etc.

If you think that you’re being used, then don’t get used to being used. Helping a friend with the intention of eventually getting into her pants is not nice. I am not saying that I have anything against that or against you; I am just saying that it’s not nice.

Speaking of girls, we all know…heck even girls know that they’re fully capable and can be as much as a jerk than guys are. Where’s the shocking element in what I just said?

Today, there are many fields, industries, occupation and many subjects in which girls or the feminist movement wishes to be on par with or better than guys, well girls…. You can be equally or even more of an impressive jerk than we jerks can. I am not sure whether that’s a good thing though.

Sure methodically you guys are more subtle and your delicateness deludes us males who are often dumb when facing your entirety.

On a more personal note, since we are on the subject, I too have something to express on; I realized that when watching movies, movies based on a true story. The cool, savvy, heroes whom I adore will eventually be brought down by women. It just pisses me off to see that in the movies! And indirectly put unhealthy thoughts in my mind.

Furthermore I am also guessing that it is only natural for a guy to be tangled up with a women one minute and drop down dead the next, some of you guys would be going, ‘tell us something we don’t already know.’ But it’s just sad witnessing it time and time again. Although silently knowing that men, no matter what happens will still fall for the same obvious trick countless times when it involves a woman. All I am saying that if a guy is really nice, he wouldn’t fall for that. Hence that too proves of your un-niceness! Here’s a well established proverb, “A man’s test in life is woman; a woman test in life is material.” (Girls, this doesn’t mean I like u any lesser! ;))

Coming back to the initial subject, going about and complaining about how nice of a person you think you are and having your ‘nice friends’ agreeing with you is just utterly sad and almost pathetic, almost sickening, nauseating and definitely not nice! It is so un-nice that it even brings out the evil in others.

Finally being nice is not the equivalent of being stupid. An idiot is an idiot. I am also not saying that I am not an idiot. Having said all that I have, I am also going to say that I have nothing against you people. I just have something against people in general. Stop thinking that you’re nice be more honest with yourselves and you don’t have to be nice all the time, not that you can.

I know this better than you!