Ez

 

Does this mean that I am once again in the gutter? At the start of a sad song, I am standing and staring at the door of a great despair and as gravity pulls my wits and twists on this sanity, alas! Unfortunate for you, I’ve been here one too many times, my legs have found it’s place and has buried itself into the grounds. Despite, despair inviting, I refuse to let you interrupt my suffering.

Abandoned, left, forsaken, ditched, discarded, chosen over, preferred by, left for another, thrown away like none of it ever mattered, even after I said I wouldn’t falter, ignored, as if you could tell the future—that is, as if... this is who I am in this world, a person who’s inadequate, perhaps uneducated from your family’s point of view. A temporary filler, a time waster, a stepping stone, an interesting thing that became boring, something that is used and then thrown. 

Replaceable at the thought of an obligatory life, where one would have to lead; in your eyes I am un-befitting to bear the burden of filiality, and I am not from money and if you deny it, I will tell you, for money or the ability to make it always unifies matrimony.

At the thought of a better life, you believed someone else would better fit the, ‘family picture’. You came with loving eyes yet lacked the belief and at the juncture, picked another.

Therefore, I would agree with your tinker-tanker, as I too cannot tell the future and could not promise you a happiness that would re-assure your wellbeing and your children’s future.

I will not interfere, for I too am sure of my incompetence and unlike your virtuoso, I adhere to your theatre.

Ah! a romantic, I’ve been wanting someone who would accept any future as long as we were together and wished the best for each other; you however, left at the first sign of pressure, "this is a revelation"; I say to myself yet I despair at the reality of not being able to set eyes on you, to witness your eyes staring at mine, and as you smiled, I figured, that it was perhaps a telltale of joyousness?

Fallen, my heart aching, the acid reflux burning my chest, my legs bitten by vampiric mosquitoes, the breeze from my fan insufficient, I feel the heat of inadequacy, enveloping my weakening and frail existence.

Despite all this and considering how I’ve been twisting and turning; wouldn’t it be a party if everyone discovered the secrets of their elixir and get to befriend their inner self? For there is fulfillment in wisdom, and I wish for myself the same, yet, here I am unable to conquer this world or the hereafter or my own significance.  

And for what it’s worth, I wish you such a happiness, that everyone would be jealous of. As such, I am at your expense.

New To The World

 

I can’t help but think I am new to this world, you know…despite my age. What happened yesterday really left me feeling bewildered and disappointed in myself.

A couple of days ago, on Saturday to be exact, I had my vaccination and later that day the numbing pain in my arm started to present itself. On Sunday I felt the numbing pain getting more painful and intense and a slight fever ensued and for some reason almost resulted into a panic attack.

Fast forward to Monday morning when I was feeling better an old acquaintance from the surau, messaged me around 8 in the morning. He should be at least 65 years of age and is a millionaire, I am pretty sure.

Anyways, since I resigned from my present job, I asked him if he had any openings. I had asked him some years back too but as usual it went ignored. He owns a company which is pretty successful.

Most of my rich, successful acquaintances, when asked for help with a job either ignored me or just gave some sort of lips service. This I learned from years of experience though at times I can be too much of an optimist.

It is true the saying, ‘laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.’

Back to the old man, he asked if I was free and if I could accompany him to his office. His exact words were, “hari ni saya nak pergi ofis u nak ikut just see what u can do”.  Pleasantly surprised I of course said yes. I thought that maybe my prayers were answered.

He picked me up at home and we were on our way. As soon as we reached the office, which was also his warehouse, he said that he had to drop some goods off. I didn’t give it much thought, I even helped in carrying some of the boxes out of the car.

Once we were done, we went up to his office and he asked me to check his PC, I did the basic clean-up, and the performance of the machine seemed better than it was before.

He then asked me if I could check some of the other machines in his office, I said yes. During that time, a 14-foot lorry arrived in front of his office with 8 huge pallets of energy drinks. Each pallet contained 100+ cartons of energy drinks.

For some reason, whilst I was about to check on the PC’s, he asked me to come down with him. I obliged. Once I was down, I saw only one guy loading off the drinks from the lorry whereas there were two others arranging the drinks in the warehouse. He added later that one of his staff was on leave.

I decided to help. I didn’t realize what I had gotten myself into. The weather was really hot and It was now 2 hours since I started lending a hand. It was physically draining, and I was worried about my arm. It was some months since I last exercised, so this was quite the ‘workout’.

I reached the office at 9.45 in the morning and left the office around 3 in the afternoon. Exactly when all the drinks were offloaded. I was paid with lunch.

As I reached home, I was already drained. I washed up and just feeling a little cheated, but I didn’t give much thought of it.

Today, I felt like this was all probably planned by the old man. I went there thinking that I was going to be interviewed but what I did was hard labour. It wasn’t just exhausting, but free of charge. When we talked, he kept speaking about his children and professing on how much he loved them but am I also not someone’s child?

Today, I couldn’t lift up my hands, my back hurts, my leg hurts, my prayers obviously weren’t answered, and I feel like I am really new to this world. I can see why millionaires are millionaires.

 

Immortality

Many of us claim we have a book we abide to. Though few know about the book we 'hold on' to.

 
Many of us proclaim a faith we belong to--yet our lifestyles are no different than the faithless.

We are aware that death lurks nearby but the thought of dying never pass us by. 

Alas! not until it's too late, 

we live hoping we never age and never die.

Yet we dread looking at the mirror, fearing the skin we shed.

Bett

 

Why do I live in fear? Some would say it is because I chose this path…I agree that this is a choice but it’s funny how some choices are so limited that it’s like choosing either death or being on the brink of death.

I envy those who were born on pedestals and then as they grow up act as if their success were solely due to their effort.

It is not attractive to keep whining and complaining but let me be… I chose to write so that all my thoughts are thrown out and perhaps by doing so, I feel better.

Pure

Recently I went to a beautiful place; the architectural aspects of the building were unique and it felt comfortable inside, it was surrounded by thick lavish mountains… the air was pure due to the mountains and the many trees of green standing tall against the wind.

The inhabitants of the place wore pure white robes with matching white fez’s, the scholars were busy teaching and the students studying, yet while all were clean and pure. They were human beings hence they must’ve sinned? 

While all might appear clean and pure, being human beings the hearts remain a mysterious thing, deserving of distrust. 

As for the sceptic, he refuses to embrace what lies in front of him but he ends up doubting people’s intent—since he is impure, he thinks others too can’t be as clean? He wrote all this in the library provided for him after eating the food served to him.

2021

 

Each day I wake up feeling tired and forsaken; though at the back of my mind, I feel like I live for the sake of those who was once forsook by their own brethren, I feel like it is now my responsibility to make their lives better…even if it means mine  getting worse.

What is it anyway in the life of the selfish? He only thinks of himself and no other.

As soon as my eyes are opened, I wish it was closed and perhaps lost in another dimension. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but all I see in myself is inadequacy. I feel like I could’ve became a better human being if I wasn’t cursed with such wretched circumstances…limiting my abilities, here I am born and bred poor, cursed by my own kin and looked at as a lesser human, maybe not even human. Never able to blend or assimilate into the ever-judging shallowness that is society.

What a memorable childhood! Till this day it haunts me, as I was moulded by pain and suffering—all that lingers in me is fear and fear of failing. If a vase was moulded by clay, I was moulded by different kind of pain and abuse. As such I walk the earth continuously flailing. Though, I should still be proud for being able to keep walking.

I am now an adult, a human being—I wish for many things and at times societal interaction, yet I know to stay away from humans as they are always selfish and sooner or later an obvious nuisance.

I for a long time knew why I disliked or hated people, the answer was simple, I hated myself. I try to be optimistic each day that the world is just a passing, and everything too shall pass such is the nature of the world.

Though all that I am living is the live of a slave, a slave that kills himself each day to earn a living.

As my hair greys and I continue to catch my breath for every single moment feels like I am about to drown and for all eternity just struggle to gasp for some air and flail my hands violently while doing so…yet neither fully drowning or ever find a way to keep swimming.

My health deteriorating, my face wrinkling, the people I love ageing and above all—I live with the continuous fear of living…and what other pain and suffering it could yet still bring.

So it is..

 

How convenient, I write—after so long, when feeling distraught…when the same pain, the ongoing feeling of worthlessness; what is this existence but a painful remembrance. No! you ought to be grateful I say…

It’s not even the whispering, these thoughts…try as I might, these invading storms terrorising my recluse. I lay, still and unmoved yet inside my head—madness. Invoking discomfort, taking what little peace I still have. Again, I lay motionless unable to sleep it off. I stay awake the whole night but no longer in a panic state—just a reminiscence of the older self, the familiar feelings of weakness and frailty. I see sleep as my only escape and…that I am deprived of.

However, coming to terms to my being, being a mature and experienced being, lucky I am—to not be a total wreck. A wreck, but not in totality and the storms presents itself only when the tide is high with unruliness.  

Who would’ve thought that after all these years and as I keep rambling on, after all these years and yes, after all these years…I keep asking why, after all these years, I live in perpetual fearfulness?! The moment I wake up, I am reminded of weakness.

All those books read and the side-notes and quotes I’ve written down to attain knowledge and wisdom had only made me realise my inadequacy; never clever nor strong enough.

I look at the world and I am not sure what to feel, grateful or sad?

Majority of the people akin to the foams in the sea, living their lives in a flimsy, shallow, hedonistic bubble, well forget people…look at the mirror.

A flower however, in it I see perfection, the richness of its colour, beautifully blooming even in the wake of my looming, perfection from a distance but when in my hand, it loses its splendour. Alas! it only lives for a few days and dries out and withers away.

Soon enough it blooms again. An appeasement, flowers blossoming as I walk past them…it may seem like I ignore them, but I wish they never stop radiating and, in their radiance, spread out a tiny bit of hopefulness.

 

The Plan

Fear, fear always lingering near me,

Wouldn’t it be nice if you would let me be?

Always at the depths of my heart making it eerie,

So uneasy, even when nothing happening,

My heart pumping with a fear that is unseen,

While my eyes tremble,

and as I speak, mumble.

regressing my position—be it at work or with others,

making it worse when you claim victory,

While I regret pure agony.

Even in the quiet,

As people doing their own thing,

Struck with fear,

The mind not exactly thinking,

Nor quiet, a circus!

The heart feels like its pumping too fast,

Waking up the napping anxiety,

Causing the head to ache a sharp ache,

Will I ever be confident and be away from you?

A wretched disease,

I hate to think, you too, a part of me?

Even if I can’t get rid of you,

Silencing you would bring such relief.

Here I am, saying my prayers,

Afraid of deeds involving others.

Hopeful that the boss won’t ask me to do anything,

While fear grows and the mind unease.

Such is the life,

In fear constantly,

No, I don’t know,

I pray and hope,

While I educate myself,

With knowledge and information,

As to not let you take over me,

This too I will survive,

In no vain,
This is the plan.

Finally~

Hasn’t it been a long time since the last monologue? Made me feel more connected to my consciousness or something like that, After all these years, Sure, it’s something I say repeatedly, Almost cliché… A life of floating and fleeting, of despair and weakness, Of realizing the weakling who is great at harbouring sadness. The medication and shrinks, I hope I never return, To the sick house and to witness ill-fated people. Here, as usual—walking against the streams, What a laugh, The weak soul, refusing to conform, Why can’t people see the norm is not the norm?! Yes, sadly…after all these years, the system still dumbing me down, Still the coward who is constantly snuggled by anxiety, Ever so afraid of what calamities life could shake this pathetic existence with, It might just get worse than it already is… After all these years, I’ve learned from experience, With a negative outlook, life deteriorates, So being hopeful is a smarter way, It lifts the weight and helps you move your ass, For each passing day seem more tolerable, Keeping busy, help keeps the dark thoughts in its corner. And so after all these years, I am saddened I am still at this juncture, Struggling with life for money and just a little respect? Forget happiness, how about absence of sadness? Or are they both the same thing? Tired of comparing, Not too sure if I should be pairing, For now, let’s settle with putting faith in hoping.

Realizatio...

I hate coming to work every day. The people are dimwits, and everything is so biased and operational via favouritism. Some work like slaves, some do nothing and are not even bothered to act busy.

Let me complain yea, I just got shouted by some Australian guy on the phone for something I never did. He was generalizing and shouting out things like how we are not doing our job. Of course, nothing will happen to him.

I am not sure what is meant to be but this life…I keep asking myself, was it my fault that all my life I am living a life of a weak and transgressed human?

Well, I just applied for some days off. That should be good.

Not sure what’s going on with my life.

I get the idea is life is a test, though having lived a life devoid of any satisfaction or achievements. I don’t know. Everyday…

The world, the society, the disparities, the laws and rules that are only applicable to the poor.

I lived for so many years..

Yet when I think of my parents, they have lived for so many years and they’re not respected and they’re still working hard every day. Getting up early and going about their jobs.

What…

I suppose they keep moving for they're parents.

I guess that should make me feel grateful and appreciative of life.

I ought to. I am after all, a weak human.

Choices? 

Well...may be minimal.

Circumstances…

I speak to myself and that's all

I am merely reflecing on my thoughts

I can't talk to anyone on such things...

so cut yourself some slack..

Dream!

I am afraid of time moving a little too fast. The fear of getting older with so little achievements and good deeds…it makes me feel bitter and my existence salty, very salty. A part of me is telling me to be grateful for being fit and looking youthful.  What the actual…?

I keep fantasizing of having a land close to my house. And in this land, I would build a river of sort with a tall waterfall. Obviously, the land is quite widely spread, well one can dream, no?

Also, I will build a spacious gym which is eco-friendly/energy efficient with great air flow and plenty of trees. I would call my Muay-Thai guys and ask them to relocate there. I would do the same with my Silat guys. We could probably earn some profit from there, to keep things going.

I will also build a surau and have a small madrasah. You know to maintain balance and to have peace of mind. Have daily classes for the community, would be beneficial too.

The place would be akin to a clean forest, filled with huge trees cleansing the atmosphere. There should also be stones that are mountainous, basically I’d like to emulate nature. I would grow vegetables as many of them and as tidy as can be. They too will be given to the community or the needy.

Of course, I’d also build a place for us to live in. It wouldn't be as grand but it I would have it built sturdy, cause I am paranoid.

Speaking of fears, one of main fear is not having water. Apart from having an artificial waterfall/river or a pond. I would dig a well, have a pump that generates water from the ground, have multiple water tanks and install a wastewater system so the wastewater can be used to water the plants etc. I worked in a biological wastewater system company before, it seems possible with enough money that is.

Seeing that this is a fantasy, finance shouldn't be a problem.

While I am at it, I might as well attain some super-powers akin to superman. Though, if I did, I won’t be a hero. I would probably hunt down and kill the 1%.

On another note, 

I am imagining living in harmony and staying fit while working out and working in the farm.

I will also have a large chicken coop, maybe raise some goats and cows. Perhaps by doing so. One could be self-sufficient and stop being dependent on this vile society.

That is a dream worth having.

Though having super powers akin to Superman…I shouldn’t be worried about water shortage for me of my family?

This fantasy is getting out of hand.

I should stop now, I can continue later.

Anything-

The end of the first month. It started fine—I should say, but I started to feel bad from being all self-reflective and comparing myself to others. As I kept pondering, I felt bad. It felt as if it was perpetually getting worse.

However, I tried to sleep and exercise more and tried my best to control my diet. It worked at days and when I took care of myself I felt a lot better and more driven.

It’s an ongoing thing, this battle. For now, I just have to keep healthy and keep on moving forward.

As I said to you before, no one is going to help you.  I am saying this as a figure of speech btw.

p.s. I’ve written wayyy more than I did the last year. This is a good thing. I talk and whine to myself and this could be a form of therapy of sort. Anything, that helps.

Foc

I don’t feel as tired today. I noticed that a big factor of why I am feeling fatigued is due to lack of sleep. I slept in longer today; I have to say that it was a good decision. Though I can’t deny the reality I am facing, having enough sleep does not make me feel as sad.

The interview that I had recently had not been as fruitful, perhaps due to the expectation I had for it. however, I am not going to give up... Slowly but surely, I’ll keep applying—that is as much as I can do. No one would help me, that much I know. Therefore, I must stop having such dreams.

My budget for this month, well I didn’t mean to over-spend but I had to fork out more than 300 for my bike and having a tight budget constraint, it is going to affect my spending, I don’t get my next salary in 2 weeks’ time.

I also had a terrible nightmare this morning, though I was more pissed that it hindered my sleep. Hence I was disregarding the dream and trying to fall back into a more peaceful sleep. Sheet!

This morning, as I was driving I had to literally step on the brakes…due to the cars infront of me slowing down. Luckily the car did not swerve. I could smell the burnt rubber emitted from my tyres. That was a frightening experience. People might slow down abruptly even in the fast lane, it’s always important to remain focused.

Note to self: Always remain focus whilst driving.

Vent a Little

I hope and try to be as hopeful and I dream and fantasize, and I try and try, though as if cursed and worse still at this age I am still stuck at instability, insecurity and being unsuccessful.

Fuck!

Let me vent. There is no one to talk to hence at least let me write for the sake of expressing myself.

I hate myself for not being smart enough, for not having better qualifications, for not having a stable life, for having anxiety and being fucking depressed all the time.

It sucks to have to constantly worry about money, safety, food and family.

If anything, I have been constantly sad and insecure all my life. What is this shit?

People stay away from me for being negative and sad all the time…though I hate more than anything to be stuck in sadness.

Let me vent, it’s not like I have or want to talk to someone about this. Let me vent it’s not like I am going to ask you to read this.

Until when?

I keep thinking wouldn’t it be better to never have existed…apparently the gift of life is such a blessing that I have to constantly count my blessings…

Well, let me vent…I’ll be better soon. At least a little.

We suffer all our lives and die only to be scrutinized on what deeds we did?

If this is not hell or a slice of hell…

I know but let me went. I’ll feel better soon.

Though as of for now…

The familiar pain is just searing through my insides.

Bummed.

Here I was hoping, and I did write something previously about how things work out(miserably) when I start hoping.

I just called the agent who was said she would get back to me yesterday, I know I was being annoying I’ve been calling here every day for the past couple of days. Today she said that the quota for the second interview is full. I would be called if someone drops out or cancels.

Here I was hoping to leave this place and I thought that perhaps it would work out this time around.

Yet again, I have failed.

The agent sounded dismissive and probably didn’t like me calling her often. I didn’t want to pester her, so I just said thanks.

Well it’s not like life is less shitty. I was hoping for something better…

Super - ?

This is also something I been wanting to write about…but judging from my recent entries. I suppose keeping it short makes things effective; as in I get to complete and write more regularly.

If I could have a super power, which one would I opt for? I used to want to be like Superman as in having all his super powers. Though I guess in a more realistic sense… I would choose teleportation?

You know because life is shitty, indulging in nonsensical thoughts can be pretty damn endearing and addictive; Sad I know but hey…

Back to the topic. Why teleportation?

Just the idea of going to one place to another and….well basically not being reliant to society/people and not having to be tied to something is just a dream akin to dreaming of having super powers.

On second thoughts I might just choose to have superman like powers as it seems like a, ‘complete’ set of a super person.

Though with teleportation one can also easily win fights and just go and do whatever he feels like, sort of, he is less strong and therefore expendable.

As childish as this may seem, I am enjoying this.

Whereas having a steel like body could make one less paranoid of being hurt and immune to diseases. As such life would probably be more carefree and somewhat free of most worries.

Though if I were to possess such a super power, will I be a hero that is expected of a super hero? Hell to the No!

Justice would be served accordingly, according to me that is. Ha – Ha

Having said that if I were to attain super powers then others too would be able to do so…if that is the case, should I choose to be like Goku instead?

17th

You know on how I’ve been complaining about feeling fatigued and tired? Apparently, It had also got to do with my blood pressure. I got to know that my pressure is high hence the sensation of feeling faint and fatigued.

I had a phone interview recently which went quite well, according to the interviewee that is. It’s been 2 days now and I have been anticipating the date for the next interview. Been calling the agent but as usual she says that she’ll update me soon. I care because I want to leave so bad. I want to have something better.

That is the objective for now. Though for now I am going to try and be as optimistic as I can.

Surely this is not a bad thing?

Yesterday's

This has been on my mind, you know; the same thought just lurks by at times. It happened many years ago and I’ve been wanting to write about this. I hope to finish writing about this tonight, if possible.

Some years ago, it could’ve been as long as 10 years back? I was in a fancy night club, I had a friend at that time who was a singer in a band and he was performing in the club which was located in a well-known hotel in KL.

I didn’t care as much as I’ve been there a couple of times and since I was friends with the singer I got to eat and drink for free. Though all we drank was coke but ate some delicious steak. I brought a friend along with me.

The club was famous for rich guys as such there were hot chicks. Majority of the people there were aged to say the least. I was standing there with my friend, with my glass of cake on the table, trying to act cool. Seated there were some girls with an elderly guy old enough to be my grandpa. I don’t hit on chicks or even talk to chicks whom I didn’t know. I was pretty shy.

Also I wasn’t interested in the girls as they looked like professionals if you know what I mean. During that time seeing that our drinks were scattered, I am not sure if I picked up the wrong glass, I noticed, these people eye-balling me.

I was like, dude I don’t even drink and I could get any drinks I wanted for free. I am pretty sure the old dude didn’t get that from my body language. However, this grandpa started staring at me as if he was trying to prove something. I had to kinda be the big guy and look away.

All that went into my mind was, this guy probably has kids my age or older than me and here he is trying to prove himself and act tough in front of some girls; How pathetic. He might’ve been a dato’ or something but honestly. I didn’t have a speck of respect for people like him. It just made despise people like that ever since.

The way he looked was disgusting and I hope I never turn out to be someone like that. You know at that ripe age of dying. Being at a night club and with some possible prostitutes and trying to act gangster-like to someone who doesn’t even care about his existence while he tries to prove his ceasing existence so readily.

Phew—I am glad I wrote this down. It serves as a reminder and probably tells a lot about the world, or not.

On the 10th day of

Still tired but it’s the beginning of a new year. ‘Be hopeful!’, ‘Try to change your mind set!’ are the words I keep telling myself.

 There is this girl and at one time she seemed approachable but…not so much now.

My thoughts, it gets rowdy—from one place to another, it’s hopelessly all over the place.

Well hope is not all lost, get to move forward despite the circumstances. I keep reminding myself to remain focused and shoo away incoming thoughts.

That should be a good ending to this one.  

Gym

I feel drained, the weather, well I think the weather isn’t too painful. Especially in my room where there is no proper ventilation and the roof is so close to the ceiling. When it gets hot, it feels s like I am in an oven.

Every time when the sun feels like it’s too hot, I start getting these headaches which annoyingly aches a lot more than I wish they do. Added with physical activities, well any physical activities—I get a headache that last for hours.

There are things that I always find regretful. Yesterday something happened. It wasn’t bad but it could’ve been worse.

When I went to the gym yesterday, one of the guys there asked if I wanted to spar, I said, ‘sure.’

Hence after warming up alone and almost getting bored, seeing that I was training  alone I asked the guy if he wanted to spar.

I am not sure if I hit him hard (I had no intention) or he wanted to show off.  Before we sparred he was jokingly taunting me stating if I am sure if I wanted to spar with him. I didn’t pay any attention to his words except that I felt that he was extremely confident. He also chose not to wear shin guards while I did.

I noticed that his jabs and his punches were getting faster and stronger so I reacted the same. He wasn’t using his legs, he said that he didn’t wear shin guards but he suddenly kicked me and dropped me. From there on it got intense. He was lighter than me and lucky for me, he didn’t get any clean shots, I didn’t really feel like I was getting hurt. Though seeing that he was being cocky, I gave him a strong right which landed on his nose.

Regretting what I did and not wanting things to get even more heated up, after some exchanges, I said let rest for a bit but he didn’t like the idea. So we took a short break and resumed again after a minute. I tried to keep my composure and played more defensive this time. I felt really bad but I guess one should never be cocky and try to bully others.

Though the next round I told him that he can hit me whereas I’ll just be blocking; I tried to block each of his punches and swayed around. Of course there were many that hit the target especially my body. I was happy with it, feels like he got to exact his revenge and you know made things better I should say. I noticed he was friendly again. I was happy with that. If anything I hate confrontations that last.

Also I tend to get really regretful when things like that happen. Well having said that I don’t like being bullied and if you expect me to take shit then you’re wrong. I hate people who try to show off by screwing with others.

Well that was done.