Here I am sitting on the peak of a mountain enjoying, the beautiful scenery, the greeneries, the bright blue sky, the fresh air, the atmosphere and everything around me. This is an accomplishment, said a voice inside me.
I woke up lying on the floor with the bed next to me. For a moment there I sat down thinking on how I ended on the floor but it wasn’t that big of a deal so I shoved that thought away. Now that my vision was clear, my thoughts were getting clearer too. I stood up and made the bed, something that I do every morning. After that, I sat on the bed for a moment staring pointlessly ahead and finally I stood up.
After showering and getting dressed as I was getting ready to leave. A sudden suggestion on not wanting to do what I did everyday overwhelmed me. I went back to my bed sitting there thinking of why I felt that way suddenly and if I decided not to go to work then what? Automatically a bunch of thoughts came rushing into my head almost as if encouraging me more. I was lying down now, quietly and carefully thinking. With my eyes closed.
All I felt these few months was to get away for a little while and go somewhere. Yes I was aware that it was a cowardly act and I just wanted to escape from reality. So I almost by instinct called the office and said that I won’t be coming to work for the whole week and I immediately hung up after that. I wasn’t planning on saying that but the words had been uttered and a week is better than a day. Now I was sitting idly thinking on how am I going to execute what I planned on doing.
It’s not that I hate going to the office. This was one of the best moments I’ve ever experienced. There weren’t many jobs to get done and the bosses were busy with their projects and their own important matters. So it was really peaceful and on certain times unusually quiet. And when it rained, it gave out this pleasant feeling.
I finally made up my mind. I always had a liking towards mountains and its mysteriousness. So I decided to go mountain hiking. I had never done that before but I was always good at climbing. So I reassured myself that it wouldn’t be a problem. I began to think that it might be a little scary or a little too brave climbing a mountain all alone but then seeing that all I wanted was to get away. Climbing a mountain all alone seemed like the best idea.
And so I packed some clothes and food that I could find and was on my way to a mountain. After 5 minutes of driving I started hoping that I had planned in advance or at least know which mountain I wanted to climb. So I called up a friend and asked him on where I can find a mountain that wasn’t too difficult to climb. His immediate response was an almost artificially exaggerated, “whaaat?” I explained more and he said, “Drive far enough and you are bound to find one.” I said, oh thanks man you really did help a lot. Surprisingly he answered, “You’re welcome, always there to help.” I felt like tossing the phone for effect but there was no one to see me so I gently placed it back into my pocket.
After 3 hours of driving the voice in my head said, okay, the first thing that looks like a mountain, you are going to stop. This was exactly what I did after driving for an additional hour. It wasn’t easy getting to a mountain; you could see many of them from afar but getting to one is a different matter.
So when I was there, I started walking with my rucksack heading to what appeared to be a mountain. While I was directly beneath it, I decide to go around the mountain and look for an easier path.
As I was walking looking for a starting line, again something in my head said, I am not a narcissistic. I don’t think I am, I said, agreeing with the voice in my head. After a few seconds another similar voice said that, well you probably are, seeing that you’re self absorbed. I realized that it was the same voice in my head speaking only with a different perspective.
It all happened when I met this person who said that I might have problems regarding narcissism. At first I didn’t take it seriously knowing that everyone is narcissistic. That’s the type of world we live in today. Everyone being so self-oriented and selfish, which is only natural, you might say. This is the world we live in today.
I was thinking so hard that I forgot to move, I was standing still. It felt kinda odd standing still in the middle of nowhere, being too absorbed in thinking. It’s a set of characters concerned with self admiration, self regard and self centeredness. That was what it said in the book. These personalities are shaped mainly by social, cultural and environmental factors. The expert also said that narcissistic needs and tendencies are not inherent. But a child can be a potential victim of narcissism if the parents don’t pay proper attention to the child’s feelings.
I looked up at the mountain and it seemed so far-off. I was beginning to contemplate on my plan. But then I shook my head and brushed of the thought from entering my head.
The slopes weren’t that steep and considering that climbing is one of my natural born talents. The other one was destroying stuff. I understand that there’s nothing to be proud of that but it was just something I was good at.
Getting up the peak wasn’t much of a problem except for the fact that it was energy draining. The air was nice and the atmosphere pleasant, it wasn’t too hot that day. I only stopped twice which I am assuming is not bad for a first timer. And when I was almost nearing the peak, the sun was already coming down.
Finally after what seemed like several hours I managed to reach the top. I stood there standing with nothing around me to feast my eyes with. I took out my sleeping bag and drifted of to sleep.
That night I dreamt of a beautiful girl, she was perfect to me in all senses. Everything I ever wanted in a woman was her and she was right in front of me. It all seemed too good to be true and even in my sleep I was aware of that. And every time I came closer to her she would move away a little. And finally she drifted away to a more distant place. I felt exhausted and so I closed my eyes. Soon another scene appeared.
There was an elderly woman and I was standing right in front her and her old shop. The place had a smell of something ancient and stunk a little bit. The floor was damp and it looked dirty. After she lifted up the shutters, the fan, furniture and everything looked ancient. The lady had a ritual every morning she opened for business. She’d start calling names out loud and as she did that she would start filling the empty containers placed on the left corner of her shop by. She held several packets that bore a picture of a cat in her hands. Various cats of different colors and shapes would come running from nowhere for their early morning breakfast. She said to me that she feeds them thrice a day and she complained about how the prices for cat food are costly.
I didn’t want to wake up yet but the piercing light from the sun and heat had me rolling up my sleeping bag. After that I spent Most of the time just sitting and thinking, deeply. It normally ended up in me drifting away and dreaming about something nonsensical or comical I often had to stop myself before I got lost and get back on track.
I was now thinking of my future and as much as I tried to determine my future I realized that I had no power over it and never will. All I can do is keep on working in the present and learn to accept. When I got tired of thinking and the unsatisfactory result that it normally brought out I shifted my attention at the birds, the trees and the flowers. I even stared at space trying to penetrate it.
On my second day there I walked around looking for food and water and I also thought of the people around me and I remembered an elderly person who said, “They’re all traditionalist and people who just follow their ignorant parents steps for generations and each generation becomes more ignorant than the previous ones, even if they’re not aware of it.” He took a deep breath and added, “Especially when they’re not aware of it.”
I was obviously getting bored, for a while there I had an idea of me being similar to a hermit but then living in solitary is not something I wish for in the present. I wasn’t able to find food and was out of food. It was time to climb down.
As I was reaching down something in my head said, the only person that’ll agree with you when you really need something badly is your own self. So that’s the only thing you can rely on, however unreliable that may be.
