Beauty; it’s something I am
hoping I become more not so much physically but yes beautiful indeed is the
aspiration. Beautifully intelligent and witty, sharp and a problem solver of one
and many. Now that I am growing in age, I feel the want to be more fit and
beautiful, for my self-satisfaction of course and then to be someone who is
accomplished and deemed fit for my age. As such the age can be justified and be seen as a beautiful human
being indeed.
Such is the dream, such is his
fear that in order to face reality, certain aspirations is conspired to face the
truth for the weak of mind; of course due to not being as successful as his
peers or relatives.
Afraid of diseases yet too heavy
to keep active, burdened by rude thoughts that brings him down. I don’t see
anything wrong with someone wanting to better himself…despite not doing much
about it, “Too tired”, he says.
If anything, I have been writing
for this many years albeit not as often. This is in itself is consistency. Writing
to me had help me in pouring my thoughts and despite no one reading these pieces
of my mind/mine. I write to dissect and just express the beautiful loneliness of my being.
I am more than an adult now; I
keep to myself and more or less have no friend/s that I go out with. Maybe once
a couple of months of which I am grateful for. I suppose all those years of yearning
to be accepted and recognized and having friends, I am more comfortable being alone.
If only I did more progressive things like jogging etc. Instead, I sit in front
of the PC for hours and grunt when I gain weight.
Due to me, ‘keeping it real’ and this pseudo bravery, I kept resigning from my jobs. I felt like I was wronged and
that the management wasn’t being fair. How ignorant and spoiled had I been
expecting fairness from corrupt entities/humans. At that time, it seemed like the right
thing to do. I was jobless for 3 months and enjoyed every single day. The
reality of not having to deal with people and meet them was something I got
used to in no time. It was comfort!
Alas! I was running out of money.
I attended numerous interviews and finally landed a decent job. However, unlike
my previous jobs that were 10 minutes away, this one was an hour away and it
stressed me out. I keep telling myself that, as an adult I need this job to live
and survive or to survive and the live...life.
How wretched! Each weekday, 12
hours is spent for work, the commute etc. I am grateful that I have found a
means of living though that also meant slaving myself for a corporation 5 days
or sometimes 6 days a week and here I am an adult…well I look around me and see
almost everyone doing the same. Sad.
I am not sure of myself when I think
of people who are trapped and too tired to think of the prospective meanings of
life apart from buying and then paying off debts. Though, can't do much, I suppose. we are literally chained both
mentally and physically whether you notice it or not, whether you'd like to admit or not. The society we are in is orchestrated in such a way and people don't even question the road paved to them. Possible due to everyone doing and leading the same sheep-like life.
Ramadan is ending and my deeds
are no where near enough. I feel like I am tired and lost but doing what I can, I think.
If anything, I am very certain of
how weak and how anything good or circumstantial can happen at anytime and we
are all merely human beings who are left with no choice but on how to react to
a certain thing/s when it occurs. I laugh at my weaknesses and fears, I meant cry.
I wonder when people pray everyday without fail, do
that become humbler and attain wisdom or attain wisdom and become humbler?
Why are people so shallow? I am not
sure who is more cursed. Someone who thinks others are shallow but is as
shallow or someone who is shallow and not realizing it?
I wonder if the knowledge,
understanding and wisdom I have attained as long as I have lived and endured
amount to anything?
I am not self-sufficient; I am
always dependent on something. I suppose no one is human is independent enough.
Though, what does it amount to? What does my limited intelligence mean when I
am always at risk of anything/something? I am, if anything weak and dependent. My body frail
and I get dizzy easily. I wonder why and where my pride comes in? Now that i think about it is just repressed anger that is aware of the alarming weakness but has no means of addressing the problem with a solution, as a result, akin to a pressure cooker, when the food inside is cooked enough, the head blows of.
The thought of death has been haunting me since I was 7 or 8 years old. I used to have panic attacks even as a kid from being so afraid of death of the people closest to me. Am I prepared for it? Of course not!
Living in
this world has made me a coward and seeing how corrupt, unjust and vile things are, I feel
like if I could be alone with the people I am close with in a secluded haven far
from this so-called, 'modern civilization', I would be less stressed.
I used to ask people and even
strangers I met on what the purpose of life is and what it meant to them,
although disappointed in most of their answers, I am not too sure if I in my petty & miniscule wisdom, I understand anything of the similarities and differences of peoples’
mind.
We are told that life is a test
and that after that, you will be questioned and your deeds weighed and your
eternal fate is then determined.
Not knowing what might happen the
next minute and the mysteries of life yet dying without decrypting that mystery
would be…what? I might’ve contradicted myself with the previous paragraph.
Anyways, here I am and this is the state I am in. If anything, I am consistently engulfed in this state. I am glad I decided to write. Till next time.
