Never Mind

I closed my eyes; I was listening to a beautiful music. I don’t remember the name of it but it was a product of many instruments combined that made one feel serenely in peace, at least for a split second. It’s as if I was living in a fairy tale filled with loving creatures and everything so colorful….before the awakening.

I realized that I was dreaming, dreaming about the peace and even dreaming of the music I was hearing. I was actually walking from nowhere significant to somewhere. My journey was pointless but moving about looked like it held a purpose.

As I continued walking, I remembered when I was sitting side by side with her on a wooden bench. I was slanting on it with my head tilted upwards, looking at the blue sky. She was sitting straight, almost on the edge of the bench looking at the scenery with a smile on her face. Her posture was utterly feminine and she looked so gentle and fragile, I could smell the faint smell of her perfume that at that time was the sweetest scent, because of its wearer.

Although that particular phase of my life was chaotic and filled with making the right decisions. But whenever I was with her, I felt that I didn’t need to think of anything else but her presence. It’s hard to explain what was going through my mind, but at that time her happiness meant the world. I know that I won’t be able to feel such things of absolute foolishness anymore, to be so vulnerable and believing in things that only realize in movies.

I just went up to her and said that I’d like to spent some time with her, I was acting bold but my expressions and my stuttering gave me away, she looked oblivious to my discomfort but surprisingly agreed to my invitation. That was how we got to know each other.

I got to know her better and I liked her even more. She did to but to a different outcome. I tried to get her to like me back but to no avail. She seemed so sure about it that she convinced me that she didn’t like me and that I didn’t like her too.

I was back in the present now, in disbelief, on why I allow myself to think about those kind of stuff. I shook my head, disappointed in the choices of thought I chose to put in my head.

I am now back, once again in the office talking to my child on the phone, who said his teacher wanted him to buy some fishes for a school project. After I hung up, I was complaining to my colleagues of not having sufficient money to keep on buying stuffs but still wanting to fulfill any of his wishes. And I thought to myself that after nearly twenty years of working my luck still hasn’t change. I look at the young colleague who sits a few feet away eyeing me. I bet he was even listening when I was expressing myself to my colleagues, that bastard. I don’t know if it was just me but I noticed him shaking his head, I am not sure. But I don't care, I don't.

I am walking again, come to think about it I have always been walking…you might think that I was getting somewhere but I just keep on walking not getting to grasp any dreams, nor gaining any wisdom.

I changed the song that was playing inside my head; it was rather boring and not cheerful, this time to something more jovial. The scene changed and I was now walking along a happier path.

I was still walking but with ease and really content with my life. I started to think of the things that I have and come to realization that I am happy, at least as happy as everyone else is. As I think that everyone is just as happy as everyone else is. It is the people who judge each other wrongly.

Selamat Hari Raya

Hello...Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri and may everyone be in peace and at ease.

p.s. Cat Stevens Rocks!!

Turmoil

He sat there on his chair facing the desk, precariously searching for something in it. And while he was fiddling in the last drawer he found what he was looking for, a book. He took it out, cleared his table and laid it directly in front of him. He started to take deep breathes to calm himself down, his hands shaky from the ruckus he caused. It took him a couple of minutes until he could focus again.

He once again opened the top drawer of his desk and brought out a blue color ball pen. He started off scribbling so fast as if pouring his thoughts out…I looked at him utterly amazed, I don’t know what happened, but I knew that what had happened was bizarre enough to the extent of inexplicability. It all felt so normal, normal as every other day, I was just about to wake up, and as I opened my eyes I was already abruptly walking down a familiar street. I stood still trying to digest what was happening to me. The weather hot, it felt as if it shone was directly on me, it was also dry, dry as my mouth was. I knew that the sun had something personal against me, the way it shone, I knew it.

There was no one around, the road was busy with traffic but there were no one in their cars. It was as if everyone else was invisible, I clasped my head with both hands, trying to calm and come up with an explanation to what I was witnessing. Again, after a couple of minutes of trying, I gave up. Nothing I experienced before can explain what I was going through. I decided to just move forward. I took off my shirt and tied it on to my head, to protect it from the evil, ever so glaring sun.

Soon the tar covered street was a place I no longer recognized and as I continued the tar road now replaced by a muddy road, a dried up muddy road. It felt like I was on a desert, though I’ve never been to one before. As aimless as I was I wanted to keep on walking in hope that I would exit this…realm. As I was walking I noticed something changing; it wasn’t as hot as it used to be. I felt a great amount of relief for a brief moment. I could see the sun going down and was covered by the clouds in the sky. The weather almost instantaneously started to change before me and just like that from hell hot it turned to a malicious cold.

I was now, not thinking but a walking and cursing being, I cursed at everything including and especially myself. It was snowing; I stood there with my head looking upwards not believing what was happening. The day turned to night and the familiar scene of a Disney movie when it was Christmas was reliving in front of me, only without the merry sounds of bells or music or anything merry about it. It was pitch black, except for the now brightly lit moon.

I knew I couldn’t and that my body couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t used to this type of weather. I knew that if I was exposed longer, I would turn into an ice sculpture. Amidst the pitch black surroundings, I now almost crawling managed to locate a place I thought would be a suitable place for refuge. It was sloping down; I climbed down carefully the huge rough walls. When I reached down, my hand was caressing the rough walls as I walked by it I found a hole in it, it was like a tiny tunnel or something and fortunately big enough for me to fit in. I went deeper in until I felt that I shouldn’t go any further.
I checked my pockets for some thing and if possible a light, though I don’t smoke and never carried a lighter before.

I could’ve sworn that that was the worst I ever felt. The chills getting into every bone in me and in to my head, I curled up, trying to get some warmth. My head was pounding, I tried to get myself in control but I was too weak. Everything that’s happening is just some sort of sick dream. It was so surreal and so intense that it was all primarily about me. I hadn’t had the slightest flash of my family or friends. My thoughts were in the present, dwelling in the obstacle before me. I laid there shaking so severely, getting weaker by the second.

I closed my eyes really hard trying to escape from this dread-ness but there was no difference in closing my eyes or keeping it open. It was the same tone of darkness everywhere. My head paused, my nerves thumping; I didn’t know what to think of or to focus on it was just static but with a helpless feeling that only made me feeling worse. I gave up; there was no more fight in me. I laid there just waiting for something to happen. In what seemed like years of torment. I sat down resting my back at the wall behind me. It was revolting, the sheer emptiness. At that time I felt tiny and it was as if an icy giant hand was clenching my whole physical body, but just not hard enough to let me go.

I woke up, feeling paranoid and with an extreme feeling of cautiousness overwhelming me. I took courage to very slowly open my eyes and as I did that everything around me appeared normal once again. After what happened before, nothing could shock me. The pain I felt physically was all gone now. I crawled out from the hole and was now standing at the ground of what appeared to be a huge sewer system.

It was dark, not too warm neither too cold, just the way I liked it. As I climbed out of my refuge I realized that all was still as quiet as it was before. I continued walking; I had to drag my legs to keep on moving. I could sense that I was nearing somewhere familiar. Suddenly there was someone walking towards me, a woman. I was relieved to see someone living once again and hoping that this would be an end to my living nightmare. She had a wooden stick in her hand and as she was around 10 feet from me she threw the stick at me and with great arrow like precision and directly hit my head. Blood was gushing out from my head now. She was no longer there. I took off my shirt once again and covered my head with it.

Finally I reached a path that I recognized; I was never so happy and relieved. I fasten my haste despite my weariness. I reached home, walked towards my room and as soon as I set foot on my room. A gush of rejoice enveloped me, I landed on my bed feeling better than ever. I closed my eyes, appreciating the comfort. I noticed something moving and was making some clattering noise. I slowly opened my eyes, afraid of what I might see this time. With the corner of my eye, I saw a man sitting on my chair and going through my table in haste…