Does this mean that I am once again in the gutter? At the start
of a sad song, I am standing and staring at the door of a great despair and as gravity
pulls my wits and twists on this sanity, alas! Unfortunate for you, I’ve been
here one too many times, my legs have found it’s place and has buried itself into
the grounds. Despite, despair inviting, I refuse to let you interrupt my
suffering.
Abandoned, left, forsaken, ditched, discarded, chosen over, preferred by, left for another, thrown away like none of it ever mattered, even after I said I wouldn’t falter, ignored, as if you could tell the future—that is, as if... this is who I am in this world, a person who’s inadequate, perhaps uneducated from your family’s point of view. A temporary filler, a time waster, a stepping stone, an interesting thing that became boring, something that is used and then thrown.
Replaceable at the thought of an obligatory life, where one would
have to lead; in your eyes I am un-befitting to bear the burden of filiality,
and I am not from money and if you deny it, I will tell you, for money or
the ability to make it always unifies matrimony.
At the thought of a better life, you believed someone else
would better fit the, ‘family picture’. You came with loving eyes yet lacked
the belief and at the juncture, picked another.
Therefore, I would agree with your tinker-tanker, as I too cannot
tell the future and could not promise you a happiness that would re-assure your
wellbeing and your children’s future.
I will not interfere, for I too am sure of my incompetence and
unlike your virtuoso, I adhere to your theatre.
Ah! a romantic, I’ve been wanting someone who would accept
any future as long as we were together and wished the best for each other; you
however, left at the first sign of pressure, "this is a revelation"; I say to
myself yet I despair at the reality of not being able to set eyes on you, to witness
your eyes staring at mine, and as you smiled, I figured, that it was perhaps a telltale
of joyousness?
Fallen, my heart aching, the acid reflux burning my chest,
my legs bitten by vampiric mosquitoes, the breeze from my fan insufficient, I
feel the heat of inadequacy, enveloping my weakening and frail existence.
Despite all this and considering how I’ve been twisting and turning;
wouldn’t it be a party if everyone discovered the secrets of their elixir and
get to befriend their inner self? For there is fulfillment in wisdom, and I
wish for myself the same, yet, here I am unable to conquer this world or the hereafter
or my own significance.
And for what it’s worth, I wish you such a happiness, that everyone
would be jealous of. As such, I am at your expense.
