'Poor Thing'

The year was 2015, in the month of August. I choose to believe that the need to specify a date and on exactly what day this occurred would not matter. By this, I refer to the way I feel seeing that I endure this way of thinking quite often. I was headed home that evening; my objective was focused on home and to reach there in the fastest, most convenient way.

When I got to the subway all that I felt was weariness, my bones felt heavy; my eyes were burning due to my tiresomeness. I was in a foul mood and was longing for a leisurely activity without any noise or disruption.

A picture came to mind; it was a wide, clean cozy bed that came with a set of warm pillows…just waiting. Just the thought of it brought out a sense of pleasure in my mind followed by desire. But the bed was empty; I couldn’t picture myself on it. It would be a lie, I wouldn’t know how it feels and even if I feel it I would not believe it. This was the perfect time to snap back to reality I uttered in my thoughts.

I disliked fantasizing about something that isn’t within my grasp. When the mind thinks about something nice, it starts to keep on thinking about it and soon enough the heart follows suits and you have this strong desire building up in you. Day after day the demand to make them realize strengthens and suddenly upon realizing that you were asking for too much and that you’re not able to possess that something the heart immediately starts to sink and will eventually, in process start to eat you up.

I thought of my hardened mattress and the unshapely pillows that were really in my possession. This time it wasn’t comfort that I felt but a sense of familiarity and longing-ness. It serves its purpose that much I can vouch for, if you’re not too picky that is. Nevertheless I have plans on getting rid of them due to their unruliness from failing to live up to my expectations of providing constant comfort and also due to its old age and unattractiveness. Yes, I too can be cold-blooded like that.

I was still standing in the subway waiting for the train to arrive, the one I’ve been commuting on almost everyday for the past 5 years, twice a day. Let me rephrase that, I was still standing in the subway waiting for my train to arrive. I stood there alone with the familiar faces that await the train with me everyday. We all had something in common though; neither of us were interested in wanting to intermingle or to develop a pointless friendship. I was an unhappy individual, so it would only be fair to assume the rest of the people who follows my work pattern and my routine should be feeling the exact same.

“At least you have a job”, “Hey, it pays man, so quit whining and man up!” “There are certain things that a man has to do whether he likes it or not, men were destined for such things”. These are some of the things my friends say with good intentions of course and probably to prevent me from going on dreading on the subject.
I am a slave for money, a materialist. But then again, who isn’t? I would say that I have not enough wisdom in me to brave myself to not be reliant on it as an excuse. But yes, just as you’re thinking right now, it’s a subjective matter.

Probably the main factor that keeps me going is the ones I see everyday. The homeless people sitting, practically living in the subway. I think to myself that I cannot compare to them.

Dissimilar from what I am, I don’t see their need to impress anyone with good clothing, good manners, and a good job or even about the slightest inclination on what others might think of them. Its either the thought of surviving overwhelms and conquers all the other feelings or they’ve reached a level so low that they do not anymore care about what or how others look at them. After all aren’t our objective in life is to impress people?

Of course what I am saying is nonsensical; these people are far away from home without any inkling near them. Living in a complete foreign place without having to feel shame and without anyone knowing their past… I am certain if they were to meet their parents, relatives or friends their human side will come out, starting by a feeling of queasiness and then the face starts to redden, almost instantaneously their pride begins to hurt and their thoughts showered by ill and troubled ones, flashbacks and things of the past comes in play and finally leaves them with a feeling of a long discomfort, of regret and disgrace for not being able to impress.

Train stations were everywhere these days, as trains were most widely and commonly used. A few busy ones like the one I am standing in are opened 24 hours a day. The people of today have adopted the train system as their main means of transportation.

It wasn’t a surprise or a bad thing for people not to own a car today. Moreover people who owned a car were considered a show off, inefficient and impractical. A car these days is used as a decorative.

Though, we all knew that the issue of oil shortage would one day be significant and end up in producing lesser and lesser till it finally stops. More interestingly, before that could even take place, a group of alliance went out of their heads and bombarded the many oil plantations in existence. It was very intricately planned. They targeted the ones that were the biggest producers and the most important ones.

It was a chaotic moment. The oil sites were so deeply and badly damaged. After a few weeks they announced that the oil sources were completely wiped out. We completely ran out of oil, we have no more oil.

When it was first announced people began to panic, it felt as if it was the end of the world. The economy plummeted to the lowest, everywhere. People started acting crazy, suicidal cases were common, governments were overthrown, poverty became a wide disaster and as predicted, Wars erupted but they didn’t last long because war needed fuel, oil or gas whatever you want to call it. Once they realized that, the fighting stopped but commenced amongst them-selves, internally. They fought and quarreled over every thing, I guess it made them feel that they were doing something about the problem.

Thankfully enough, it only lasted a couple of years. Particularly, in times of desperation and in need some people do their best to change their fate. More importantly some show their human side and work together with each other. By doing so, people managed to come up with a dozen other technologies that didn’t require oil.

And the oil people also managed to dig out oil from the damaged ones. They eventually managed to find new oil plants just enough to go by with the production but it was never the same again. The world was changing and didn’t want to be too dependent on oil.

Going back to the present, I think to myself that when my train comes, I’ll take a smaller train that will drop me right in front of the place I was living in. however, this too was just a dream. In reality I still had to walk close to a kilometer to reach home. I see it as a dreadful exercise.

Amidst the crowd I found an empty seat. There was a huge fan pointed towards the empty seat. I sat, felt relaxed and just when I started to ‘make myself at home’ the train arrived. I am now once again standing with a few hundred more people who are probably on their way home. Most of them were of familiar faces and was at their familiar places. It was weird.

There was this cute girl that I used to see everyday, now I see her everyday with her partner. I stopped seeing her.

Since cars were no longer the best way for traveling, and there were no real means to separate and differentiate each other financially and in society, hence they created a way where one would be able to do so and at the same time make more money out of it. They came up with different compartments, one for the rich and the upper middle class, one for the middle class and another for the lower class. And for the really wealthy, they had their own trains and their own tracks to move on.

The journey took exactly 25 minutes, right on time I said to myself, not looking at the time. It’s just something I like to say. This particular stop too was a busy one, Busier than the previous one. Bigger, it was an attraction to street performers, and homeless people but no longer snatch thieves. Ever since the new law of cutting the thieves finger every time they get caught became authoritative, snatch thieves had to find a different way to satisfy their needs. Yes, drugs are still alive and readily available.

I got down, together with the masses. I looked at my watch, this time for real and it was still early. I walked slowly passing one performer after another.

The bright neon lights made me feel safe and reassured. Which brings me to thinking about something that has been bothering me for quite some time, Imagine a place where you’re so used to and feel comfortable being in and suddenly the lights go off and the comfort and the security turns into fear and obscurity. Why is it when a place without the presence of light is able to manipulate peoples feeling towards that place? Not being able to see and to familiarize one self with their surroundings creates uneasiness and insecurity. This makes me come to the conclusion that people are afraid of the dark or the unknown and that what we don’t know of brings fear.

As I walked out the station, the sky was already dark, the wind was cold and the air was a mixture of smells. I could see the huge skyscrapers ahead of me. It was always a painful sight, sore to my eyes. I am and will always be a nature person but ironically I prefer and rather live in cities. Only thing is I despise the rapid growth of buildings in which previously the lands were once filled with trees and of course I despise the pollution that ruins the smell in the air.

I walked on looking at the performers doing their thing. Some singing and playing the guitar, some with different instruments like the drums, flute, violin and even the didgeridoo. I waved at some of the performers busy with their performances; the ones that noticed either nodded their heads or waved back in acknowledgement.

Knowing what I wanted, I went directly to my favorite performer. A middle aged guy, with shoulder length hair, loose clothes and looked pleasant when he smiled, He was sitting down on the pavement with a cloth underneath that worked as a cover. He sat there writing something. I came to a halt and stood right in front of him, he looked up at me and with a jolt of recognition, he said, “hey! You came at the right time! I was just done with my new poem.” He said smiling. His voice was deep and it felt as if his cheerfulness didn’t go ‘hand in hand’ with his deep almost scary voice. This man was a poet, most of the time I didn’t understand what he was trying to convey. But at other times, it was simple and easy to comprehend.

Together with me stood another guy, a stranger. He was dressed the same as me, in working attire. Only difference was his clothes appeared more neat and exclusive. His hair was the same length as mine but somewhat livelier and slicker, his skin color fairer and his feature better and sharper. He was also slightly taller. I was slightly taken a back and caught myself staring at him, he noticed me, smiled and said, “hello” I greeted him back and quickly turned my attention to the poet. He was standing, with his sketchbook in his left hand. He started:

“Our true birthplace is when we first lay an intelligent gaze on ourselves.”

He looked at me nodded as if asking whether I understood. I nodded back in return answering his question. Upon looking at that he continued,

“White, blue, gray and black,
Thus the alteration from young to old,”

He then looked at us and said, “Okay?” Amused, I replied back, “okay” the stranger just stood there, motionless, maybe even emotionless.

“I shall start my poem now he said in a deeper tone” He was getting serious. He started with his hands in the air and moved it as he spoke…

“Why give us existence,
When there is no significance,
Why give us logic,
When life itself is illogical
Why put evil in us,
And expect something pure from it,
Why give us needs,
When you don’t give us the ability to procure it,
Why instill desire in us,
When desires are destroyers,
Why give us power and then corrupt us,
And expect us to be humble and incorruptible,
Why give us mind to think,
When the answer is faith,
Why give us choices,
When you don’t expect us to make them
Why give us fantasy,
When what is reality?
Why create knowledge,
When knowledge can misguide
Why create humans,
When they turn out an atheist, agnostic and a deist
Why give us intelligence,
When stupidity can always reign
Why let me wonder, think and ponder,
When there is no answer
What are these if not a test?
Why if not to show the difference between the seeing and the blind
Why if not this life is a prison for the believer.
What if this life does not belong to us?
What if, there is no ‘I’ as one but ‘us’ as one?”

He finished looking exhausted; obviously it was tiring for him. There were only two of us, but he recited as if there were a huge audience before him. His wild hand movements although captivating and played its part in strengthening and weighed the emotions. He must’ve put a lot of work in this one, I thought. He resumed sitting down on the thick piece of fabrics.

I wanted to ask him a few questions but I found myself hesitating as usual. However to my annoyance, the guy beside me beat me to it before I could open my mouth, “So basically you’re saying that we should live our lives not for ourselves but for others?” I interjected and corrected him, “no, not for others, but for the creator.” The other guy looked at me as I shifted my gaze and spoke again, “Right?” I looked at the poet, seeking confirmation.

The poet looked at me and nodded, but then he said, “It was just a poem, and it’s up to you how you perceive it as long as it affects you positively.” He smiled at the stranger.

“True.” the stranger said sarcastically, he then added, “a homeless, who sells his own poems and quotes to make his living giving advices on life heh” he said grinning slyly. “See you guys later” he said cynically and walked away.

I didn’t have the energy to get worked up over what he said. The poet was looking at me now. I started to feel uneasy, I quickly said, “So how does one become selfless and you know…meek?” He said with a deep voice, “since you asked, I feel obliged to say, dare you cut your ties with the world, Give away everything that you possess and only have with you your essential necessities?”

He stopped talking. My face showed how I felt, uncertain and maybe even scared. And I think that he was able to read it. He then added as if to make me feel better, “Unless you’re able to have no sense of inclination on your material wealth, you’re allowed to have and own them.”

“Oh, that’s quite heavy isn’t it?” I said jokingly. But I didn’t hear any laughter; the poet just kept on staring at me. This time I quickly looked at my watch and almost mumbled. “I am going to be late, I have to go now.” I hurriedly bought a sticker of a quotation and one of his books and bid my farewell. “See you tomorrow” he said.

I was back on the road; my thoughts were troubled and cluttered. I had to stop thinking about it and think of something calming and easing. I begin thinking of a clean cozy bed that came with a set of warm pillows awaiting my body weight. Just the thought of it brought out a sense of pleasure in my mind followed by desire…

Ali Shariati's Forming a Family

This piece here is written by the great intellect, Ali Shariati...The reason behind my posting of this article is simple, so that I'd be able to find it easily and read this great work again and again...and yes to share it with others too...

Forming a family


At the present time, men and women freely satisfy their sexual urges in universities, restaurants, outings, and various gatherings of this kind. This continues until a woman comes to herself and sees that it is empty around her.

No one any longer seeks her out or if they do, it is to review, to revise a memory of the past. When a man has passed the freedom of his sexual cycle, when he has picked a flower from every garden and from each flower, taken its perfume, there is nothing any longer for him which is interesting or new. His sexual urge has subsided. It has been replaced by attachment to his position and his money. He seeks fame and worships position. His inclinations are now towards getting a house and forming a family. These feelings then appear in his being. A woman, face to face with the reality that no one seeks her out, and, a man, exhausted from his freedoms and indeed by sexual experiences which have finally turned his heart, confront each other. They reach out towards each other at the end of a long and tiring road. They want to form a family.

A family is formed but that which draws these two together that which causes them to join hands, is fear and fatigue. On the part of the woman it is fear of bankruptcy and no longer being noticed. The man is tired and no longer interested in anything. A family has been formed but in place of love and the intensity of an ideal, instead of creative happiness and imagination, exhaustion and ennui set in so that nothing is new. They know what is there. Nothing! There is nothing for which their hearts beat. They know why they have found each other. They know what needs they have from each other. Both, completely conscious, calculating, aware, seek each other out. Each knows what the other meant by the words, 'be my divine sacrifice'. Each has achieved their wishes. Both sacrifice for the other. Both die for the other. But in the opposite way from which we normally understand it.

On the day of weddings, city hall is filled. Someone from city hall, with a medal on his coat, looking like a bureaucrat attends to them, not a clergyman who is a symbol of spirit, faith, reverence and sainthood. Each couple is called forward exactly like molded sugar cones. Their names are read from a list. They answer, "Yes." Often several children standing behind the bride and groom also answer yes. It shows their existences have influenced the yes of their mothers and fathers. They pay their money. They sign the register. The ceremony is over. Each returns to his mould, his home. From among the 200-300 brides only 20-30 wear a bridal gown. Most of them say, 'What?', at my age, in my condition, it would be degrading to wear a bridal gown. It is not right."
Then the wife goes to work and the man as well. They have a rendezvous with their friends to meet at noon in a restaurant and eat lunch together. This, of course, only happens when the wedding to some extent has been full of happiness and excitement. Otherwise they forget what had happened and what event had occurred. Most often, outside city hall after the civil ceremony, the bride and groom (who have been living together for years and each one has probably spent a year or more living with someone else), give each other a cold look as if to say, "So what? Where should we go? Fun? We've gone out a thousand times together. Embrace each other? We've tasted each other a thousand times and we've fled from the taste. Home? We came from home." What appeals to them? Do they excite each other's imagination and feelings? Not at all. Then its best if each continues his work each day like always.

Families are formed in this way. Both the man and the woman have schemed to find each other and form an economic union. Or else, they were married because of the other pressures. Perhaps a child was born causing the father and mother of the child to become a bride and groom. They show understanding, feelings and desires towards each other. They do not sense any secrets in each other, no paradox in their unirol. Nothing begins. Nothing changes. No imaginary flights, no heart beats, not even a smile upon their lips. This is why the foundation of a family becomes frail. Once the foundations weakened, the children in that family no longer see understanding, warmth and attractions. Because the mother and father will not sacrifice all of the freedoms for their children they put the child in a school or boarding school and only give it money so that they can continue their free life.

Afterwards, having formed a logical but deceitful partnership according to the laws and having created a faxnily, they then separate from each other. The possibilities continue for the man who has experienced thousands of warm and young embraces. How can this woman who is tired and fallen in spit it and whose masculine actions cause disgust in the man, satisfy his needs? And visa versa? A woman who can make thousand comparisons, takes the worn out man into her arms. Through her comparisons, his number is up. In such a situation, within a household which lacks understanding, he turns to bars, fraternities, new experiences, official and unofficial centers. Once again, contrary to the original invitation, the factor which keeps these two within the same household is an illogic one.

Metric!

Finally Something Cheerful

It’s the end of the year again. I don’t know why it should matter. On a second thought it does, maybe a little, maybe it doesn’t matter whether it matters or not. It’s not like we never had new years before and New Year’s resolution and New Year’s celebration.

Well anyways I’d like to think of it as a cycle and whether it is substance or not to me, it’s probably going to effect me in one way or many. This once again reminds me on how futile, helpless and weak I am a man. Regardless of what I think and feel, I have to adapt, adjust, sacrifice and blend in and go on with this journey. How remarkably delightful…

For one it also marks that we are all ageing and that people are constantly moving on, one way or the other. Some people get married and have kids, some people change jobs and yes sadly some pass away. In spite of how we change or do not change, ‘the world doesn’t revolve around me.’ that’s what I am telling myself.

Don’t blame me for thinking that way. Here, I’ll share a secret with you; my name is Alam Shah which plainly means ‘conqueror of the world.’ See the irony? Maybe it was my parent’s way of a sick joke. So far I haven’t really conquered anything worth mentioning, not even myself, my desires, my fears, a group of women all at once and obviously no countries, not even an island. If anything, it taught me to give my children realistic names such as, ‘temporary’, ‘forgetful’ or ‘will die anytime’.

You might think that I am sad for thinking this way, maybe I am but I really do think that I am thinking realistically but yes, not optimistic. Though optimism is good it is also something that gives false hope but on second thoughts, if it keeps people moving forward then who’s to say anything? As said in ‘the secret’ if you think of something constantly enough and hard enough it’ll eventually realize. Though it might contain some truth in it but seriously? Come on, who are you kidding? As I was kid I almost all the time hoped and wished that Doreamon will pop out from a drawer, or that I’ll be like Goku some day.

I choose to see it as another way of enriching oneself by promising riches to others, yes a load of hopeful, deceiving bullshit. You can call me ignorant for that.

I changed my blog address by the way, I am sure you realized that. No, it has nothing to do with the end of the year. I really liked, ‘discordant constellations’ still do, and doesn’t it sound good to say? Everybody together now, ‘discordant constellations’. Anyways it is now called Al-factor, main factor being, sweet and short or should I say short and sweet.

I am not sure if I have mentioned this before in my previous entries but if any of you are interested in philosophy, theology and open minded enough, do let me know. It’s been a while since I talked about beliefs, faith and scholars. I am sure it’ll be a learning experience and probably even fun. :)

I’ve been listening to a lot of Metric lately. Well the fever will go away eventually. But what I am really trying to say is that they’re really a great band and one of the best according to my pointless judgment.

Lastly, for formality, I would like to wish you guys out there a Happy New Year and may all your dreams come true while I continue in vain trying to figure out the meaning of life and hopefully come across the essence of my existence and insincerely, unwillingly adjust, adapt, learn, sacrifice for the betterment of myself but honestly to just stay alive and survive in this place where everything appears harsh to my fragile soul.

Eruption, A Mixture of...

Small and tiny in a vast universe, on a land with a cast,
Little by little the wide space filled with material,
Standing still, injured, hurt and fearful,
The emergence of confusion, emptiness,
a state of disorientation,
Unclear, unsure of which path to follow,
In a halt, a pause, stopping longer than intended,
Still petty in thoughts of deciding on determining,
The heart sinks in,
the hollowness begin to reign.


So pretty, delightful, sweet and translucent,
Pink, light blue, green and colorful,
Soft, dreamy and mysterious,
A subject of desire -- makes the mouth water,
All comes to a stop, when I have you in hand,
Sticky, un-filling, to add to the tastelessness,
Makes the hand dirty, lets the mind corrupt,
Like cotton candy, you lying entity.


My trust too high, yet my faith hesitant,
I await a time, for your test to commence,
For people react when they’re at test,
Showing their true care, without remorse


Life not a miracle, nonetheless you portray its importance,
Importance to the self by means of selfishness,
As important as the sun that rises each day,
Though we realize its importance not,
Once it is gone, sure we are to experience the lost.


In my eyes you are all idiots,
In my eyes, I realize a desire following fool,
In your eyes, I await what comes my way,
In my eyes there are no hopeful eyes,
In your eyes or my eyes, what difference does it make?
Filled with retorts without any true resorts.

Poverty

Poverty

I write this because of the unawareness of you and me concerning the topic. Topic being, ‘What is poverty?’ the definition of poverty according to Princeton is, “the state of having little money and few or no material possessions.” Another source, Wikipedia, states, “Poverty is the denial of access to those things which makes a life of dignity possible.” In other words it also says that a life of poverty is a life with indignity.

Poverty can also be broken down to: inferiority, hunger, shelter-less, uneducated, unable to read write or go to school, being sick and not being able to get treatment, living life on the edge, powerlessness, not having choices, oppressed and degraded, looked on with disrespect, as a disease, something to stay away from and to be rid off.

Poverty is ugly; an ongoing disaster that continues to go unheeded, unnoticed and ignored. Today’s society sees it as an evil, something contagious—something to be afraid of.

The real sad thing is when the poor begin to judge themselves. This attitude conjures up inferiority complex that leads the mind to come up with negative thoughts such as injustice, unfairness, ridiculed, unloved and discarded. This eventually leads to disparity, anger, assault, crime, and disbelief. Needless to say when a person loses faith in oneself, it can lead to a more disastrous path of life.

Dr Osman guner a professor in a university in Turkey states that, “History shows us that poverty has always existed in lives of people. However it is also a historical fact where the majority of people lived in poverty, the remaining minority lived in luxury. This is also valid in today’s society and nations. Again, while some countries, called first world countries, and lived in a luxurious manner. The remaining countries called the third world countries lived in poverty. This indicates that poverty has been a social phenomenon and a serious problem in the past, present and history.”

On another note, there are also people in the name of spirituality and in the notion of wanting to be totally reliant/ dependant on their gods, choose to look upon poverty as a means to get closer to their gods.

They View working in economic activities as an unnecessary effort, that people are concerned only with temporal life, without value of future and lastly prefer the principle of fakir (absolute poverty in the world). Ultimately this way of thinking have proved to only cause these societies to be backwards and separated. When we consider the effect of this misunderstanding, there is no way such thinking can be accepted in any religion.

Though this has no real relevance to the discussion, I always wanted to write about this; rappers… most rappers who’s songs mainly concern the harshness of their lives and the neighborhood they were growing up in…it almost feels like an out loud cry for sympathy, to let the world know about their misfortunes, their harsh, brutal childhood and the lack of choices they had in life.

However when they have made it big, become millionaires what happens to the little kids growing up in tough neighborhoods? What happens to the cry for sympathy, the outburst of wanting to have a fair, just life? Have they forgotten how it used to be, what it was like? Don’t they see the reflection of their own selves in the faces of the younger generations living in ghettos? I find it funny, their dreams…their dreams are to become the people that they lived to hate…Selfish rich people with no consideration for others living life in shallowness, in artificiality and superfluously.

There are over 1 billion people who live in poverty; thousands die of it everyday. Poverty today is nearly impossible to resolve. If people’s main objective in life is to procure materiality then poverty will sustain and become worse than it is now. Despite that, there are still a few minorities out there who strives on to fight poverty and make life better for those lucky enough to receive help. My admiration and respect goes out to those who are in the fight and kind hearted and considerate enough to do so.

Lastly, I read this quote on a site that is believed to be one of the sayings of the prophet. Upon reading it I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry but I can be sure of my unsure-ness of which Muslim ummah was he referring to…

“The Muslim ummah is a unique ummah, among the whole of mankind: their land is one, their war is one, their honor is one and their trust is one.”

Deficiency

Therein, herein is nor reality neither a dream,
Though what difference does it makes?
When thou are incapable to determine, to tell,
Unable to differentiate one from the other,
Prove of mortal, weak and ignorant.

In a life of deceit, lies, and fabrication,
Followed closely by intervention, interpolation and manipulation,
Lays a bigger altitude of deception,
Far away from your self-depiction and perceptions.

You live within in segregation,
In isolation, isolating, filled with discrimination,
Racism, class-ism, hatred, disgust and skepticism,
All striving, thriving, working your way,
To reach upon the heavens, according to your notions.

Inferior I am, looking back in depiction of anger and disgust,
Being oppressed and degraded,
Like filthy animals wearing clothes of disgraced,
Discarded by thy own blood, stared at as a sickness.

Uneducated, looked on by hatred,
A creation of society and its inhabitants,
In irony that in effect, resulted in love,
And diminished the hatred that dwelled within,
In search of something more fulfilling.

I am one of you and you one of I,
For I will not deter, even when you wither,
In a journey of faith, a belief that does not go astray,
And soon we will depart into the unknown with what we have known,
Bringing along what we have earned from hereon to thereon.

Gang of Four

Its just great music despite the unusual vocal and perhaps an even more peculiar style of dancing? The band is an old band, started being active during the late 70's early 80's if i am not mistaken that is.

Has elements of punk rock and Funk...yes which makes it funky. Refreshingly entertaining and above all gave me the urge and the boldness to fantisize about being a dancer in a band. Seldom do I contemplate about my career path but if i could just be a dancer in a band, dance like that and get paid for doing it. That would prove to be a smart choice and obviously lead to an even more interesting life path? Hey, nothing wrong with a little fantasizing. The band is also politically motivated but all I care about is the brilliant music.

Wow!! Kesusasteraan!!??

This piece is dedicated to En. Aminuddin my cikgu sastera who had a little faith in us before he lost it completely haha. Point is I only came to know of the joy of reading after experiencing the sastera books, because before that I wasn't into reading. So here i am trying to prove that I still have it and have not forgotten my sastera-ness. Oh and not forgetting Hafiz and YM for proofreading and for their valuable points...cheh macam dapat award kahkah. Anyways this is my first malay post..so yeah be nice haha.




Introduction
“Manusia buat jahat dengan orang selaunya, tanpa sedar. Tapi kalau ada manusia lain yang buat jahat dengan mereka, pasti akan disedari.”

Nasihat along aku itu masih terpahat dalam kepala otak aku. Aku tinggal di sebuah kampung. Sekitarnya lapang, kehijauan dengan pelbagai pokok-pokok dan tanaman yang diusahakan. Dan tidak lupa udara yang nyaman dan bersih. Tempat tinggal aku adalah di sebuah kampung yang tersorok.

Kesan dari peperangan dan perbalahan yang sering terjadi berpunca selalunya dari anasir-anasir luar yang kian lama berpanjangan. Hasil dari itu, pemimpin-pemimpin kampung dan kira-kira 10 lagi kampung-kampung jiran membuat keputusan yang sama untuk menjadikan tempat tinggal kami rahsia dari orang luar. Hal ini sudah terjadi sebelum aku lahir dan sudah berpuluh tahun lamanya.

Protagonist and Mom
Nama lahir aku, nama yang diberi kepada aku ialah Ahmad Abdullah. Anak bongsu kepada mak bapak aku. Aku anak yang ketiga, yang terakhir. Namun semenjak aku lahir, jarang sekali ada orang yang panggil aku dengan nama Ahmad mahupun Abdullah.

Oleh kerana aku adalah yang bongsu dan agak manja pada waku itu, ketika aku kecil bermula dari ibuku, dia asyik memanggil aku dengan panggilan sayang begitu juga dengan abang-abang serta saudara mara dekatku. Tapi apabila ketika mencari aku, teriak mereka seperti, “Ohh sayang, Oh sayang.” Lama-kelamaan panggilan aku itu telah melalui proses evolusi dan menjadi lebih pendek dan ringkas, Oyang. Semenjak itu aku dikenali sebagai Oyang. Semua orang yang aku kenali atau tidak kenali memanggil aku dengan gelaran Oyang.

Di waktu aku masih kecil, Ibuku suka megeluh mengatakan alangkah baiknya jika dia mempunyai anak perempuan. Untuk menceriakan hatinya, aku sering memakai pakaian ibu dan bedaknya. Abang-abang aku dan ibuku tergelak melihat gelagat dan muka aku yang putih seperti baru dicat.

Suatu hari ayahku pulang ke ruman dan ternampak perbuatan aku, dia berjalan terus ke arah aku dan terus melempang muka aku. Kesakitan yang aku rasai pada hari itu menyebabkan aku berhenti mengulangi perbuatan tersebut.

Pada zaman aku membesar permainan-permainan kami banyak berunsur kepada alam semula jadi. Waktu itu alat permainan tidak diperlukan, permainan kami adalah apa saja di kelliling kami. Yang penting, ada kawan-kawan. Dengan kawan-kawan semuanya jadi seronok.

Namun begitu bila aku bosan atau berseorangan, aktiviti yang dibuat ramai-ramai akan aku laksanakan seorangan seperti memanjat pokok-pokok tinggi besar di sekelliling kawasan luas kampung ku, bermain di sungai, memancing ikan, mengembara ke kampung-kampung lain dan kadang-kadang meneroka gua tetapi hanya dengan kehadiran abang-abang aku. Dan ketika musim pokok berbuah aku dan budak-budak kampung paling gembira. Ibu cakap, aku ni, ‘hyper active’ katanya maksud ‘hyper active’ adalah seperti seorang budak yang tak boleh duduk diam.

Aku mempunyai kesukaan lain jua, iatu untuk bercerita, Tetapi belum lagi pernah bercerita pada sesiapa lagi, mungkin kerana aku malu dan takut ditertawa. Bila aku latih sendirian, kelihatan seperti aku sedang bercakap dengan diri sendiri, ibu berkata, “tak elok dipandang orang. Orang-orang kampung ni mulut seperti tempayan. Di sini kurang hiburan jadi cerita-cerita macam ini jadi pengganti hiburan.” Aku tak berapa faham dengan apa yang dikatakan oleh ibu tapi aku iyakan aje.

Ibu tidak suka bila orang lain bercakap pasal aku. Aku mempunyai sebuah parut besar di mukaku dan sering menjadi buah mulut orang. Oleh itu ibuku pantang bila orang bercakap mengenai aku. Orang-orang lain pula memang tidak berani bercakap mengenai parut di muka aku jika keluargaku ada berdekatan. Dari aku mula pandai melihat diriku di cermin parut panjang di sebelah kira muka aku sudah ada. Aku sudah biasa dan tidak malu dengan parut tersebut. Cuma kadang-kadang kawan-kawan aku berkata parut itu adalah satu sumpahan.

Kebetulan pula, sedang aku mendengar ceramah ibu, Si Ipit lalu depan rumah aku dan seperti biasa dia kelihatan bercakap seorangan dan mukanya kelihatan letih seperti tidak tidur beberapa hari. Mak aku pun mula cakap, “Tengok si Ipit ni, ibu tak pernah kenal dengan dia, tapi ibu tahu dia gila isim akibat salah tuntut ilmu. Sekarang dah susah nak ubat, hanya boleh harap tok imam dapat pulihkan dia, guru dia sendiri pun tak dapat tolong.” ibu berhenti dan pandang aku, seperti mahu kepastian sama ada aku faham pesanan dia. Aku pun anggukkan kepala aku.

Berbalik kepada kelakuan aku yang dilihat oleh ibuku, iatu melatih bercakap seorangan di hadapan cermin. Agaknya dia kuathir orang ingat aku gila isim seperti si Ipit. Ibu senyum dan mengatakan bahawa aku boleh menceritakan cerita-cerita aku dalam bentuk penulisan. Dia bergegas ke bilik dia dan bawa keluar alat tulis dan sebuah buku yang tampak usang kekuningan. Dia mula berkata, “Mulai hari ni, Oyang kalau ada cerita, Oyang tulis dalam buku ni.” Dan mulai hari itu juga, apabila ada yang hendak aku cerita atau diluahkan aku akan menulis dalam kitab. Satu untuk diri aku dan satu aku beri untuk dibaca ibu. Bonda ku banyak mengajar aku dan memberi aku tunjuk ajar serta memberikan pendapatnya tentang hasil penulisan ku.

Dad and Tuk
Bercerita pasal ayahku pula, bila terbayang raut ayahku, tergambar dalam otak akan kegagahnya tapi bagi kami anak-anaknya dengan ketegasan dan kegaranganya. Dia berbadan sasa, tinggi dan anehnya seperti aku mempunyai parut yang sama di mukanya. Cuma parut ayah kecil sedikit dan gelap berbanding dengan aku. Matanya boleh seperti lautan yang tenang tapi boleh juga jadi tajam dan mengerikan. Walaupun tegas namun ayahku melayan ibuku dengan baik dan selalunya menurut kemauhan ibu. Itu membuat aku memandang tinggi dan hormat padanya.

Ibu pernah berkata yang ayah dulu pernah mengajar silat, tapi bila abang long lahir, dia berhenti mengajar. Agaknya dia dah malas dengan orang-orang yang suka datang mencabar dan bersaing dari luar mahupun dari kampong yang sama. Tetapi adik beradik kami dari kecil sudah mempunyai kelas-kelas ilmu persilatan dan pelbagai lagi ilmu mempertahankan diri. Setelah tamat dengan guru-guru lain, segala pemebelajaran kami di olah dan diajar semula oleh ayah.

Ayah juga mempunyai ramai sahabat-sahabatnya, kerana aku sering lihat orang-orang dari seluruh pelusuk datang melawatnya di rumah dan di masjid. Namun begitu dia paling rapat dengan Tuk Imam, sahabat karibnya semenjak kecil. Tok juga sama seperti bapak kami terkenal dengan seninya dalam dunia silat. Namun aku tidak pernah melihatnya bersilat... jadi mungkin itu hanya khabar angin. Apa yang pasti adalah di antara seluruh kampung-kampung berdekatan boleh dikatakan kekayaan ilmunya yang luas itu adalah bukan khabar angin. Tuk dan ayahku sentiasa sibuk melayan orang-orang dari luar yang datang berkunjung dengan niat dan hajat masing-masing.

Sejak dari kecil aku lihat mereka tidak pernah berpisah. Ia telah menjadi sesuatu yang diketauhi dan diterima oleh aku dan semua ahli keluarga kami dan juga keluarga Tuk Imam. Sehingga ini jika kami lihat kehadiran Tuk maksudnya ayah aku mesti ada berdekatan situ. Bekerja sebagai isyarat untuk kami pergi ke tempat lain.

Tuk Imam sentiasa serba putih dari pemakainya hingga ke janggutnye. Raut wajahnya sentiasa kelihatan tenang dan tersenyum. Tuk pernah bercakap pada aku sebelum ini, ayah aku keluar dari dunia ilmu pertahankan diri adalah kerana ramai orang-orang pelik, dengan ilmu-ilmu mereka yang pelik datang mencabar ayah aku dan selalu ayah aku mencederakan dan hampir membunuh lawanya kerana kuathir dengan pembawaan mereka. Agaknya dia ingin berpesan supaya jangan belajar benda-benda pelik. Tuk aku ni suka menyampaikan pesanan dengan cara itu yang sentiasa mengelirukan aku.

Adik-beradik kami semua menuntut denganya malahan sampai sekarang abang Long aku belajar denganya. Abang- abang aku walaupun sekarang sudah meningkat ke alam dewasa masih lagi belajar dengan Tuk.

Tuk kami lebih tua dari ayah dan walaupun sudah ditelan usia namun masih lagi bersemangat untuk terus mentelaah dan mengejar ilmu. Aku bukanya hendak memuji Tuk Imam aku ini lebih-lebih tetapi sehingga kini, tiada satu soalan pun yang gagal dijawabnya... sama ada berkenaan dengan agama ataupun berkenaan dengan mana-mana cabang. Pernah aku baca dalam sebuah kitab yang bercerita tentang Tok aku, di dalamnya tertulis, “Tok Imam Mansur atau Tok Alim mempunyai kekayaan ilmu yang seluas-luas lautan tetapi mempunyai hati seperti seorang pengemis yang sentiasa meminta dan mencari ilmu.” Aku berasa bangga kerana mempunyai guru yang hebat sepertinya.



Life
Dalam kehidupan seharian orang-orang kampung kamu, orang-orang disekelliling menghabiskan masa atau riwayat mereka dengan mengejar ilmu. Seperti yang pernah diucapkan ayah, “Kaum kita adalah kaum yang kehadapan, jika dibandingkan dengan kaum-kaum lain. Perkara-perkara seperti wang atau material bukan dalam kumpulan masalah kami. Tidak pernah dan tidak akan menjadi masalah kepada kami.”

Berbalik kepada percakapan tadi, walaupun orang-orang di sekitar aku menggunakan masa dengan cekap dan tekun namun begitu jika aku perlu pilih seorang manusia yang menggunakn seluruh hidupnya untuk mengejar ilmu, berani aku mengatakan bahawa Tuk aku adalah calon pilihanku. Dia suka mengatakan kepada aku yang itu adalah tanggugjawab yang diletakkan di atas bahunya. Oleh itu beliau hanya boleh teruskan dengan cara hidupnya.

Pernah sekali Tuk aku bertengkar dengan ayah and danya sekali sahaja di waktu hidup aku, aku lihat ayah dan tuk tidak bercakap, kisahnya ada kena mengena dengan angah aku; Ada banyak benda yang ayah aku tidak gemar antaranya atau yang paling utamanya adalah sikap kurang ajar, dia selalu berpesan kepada kami untuk menghormati orang-orang yang lebih tua.

Pada satu masa, bila abang Ngahku sedang mengaji dengan Tuk, angah meluahkan yang dia sudah penat dan ingin tamatkan pengajianya untuk hari itu. Tuk aku ini memang manjakan angah, sampai sekarang aku rasa abang Ngah aku lebih rapat dengan Tuk berbanding ayah aku sendiri. Kebetulan pula ayahku terdengar apa yang abang Ngah aku luahkan kepada Tuk, ayah terus ke arah abang Ngah aku dan melempang mukanya. Abang Ngah aku terbaring di atas lantai kayu, pengsan akibat penangan ayah.

Tuk aku tidak bersua dengan ayah aku untuk masa lebih dari seminggu kerana marah dengan sikapnya. Peliknya angah aku dibawanya pergi denganya, ayah aku hanya berdiam, mungkin kerana rasa bersalah atau kerana terlalu mementingkan persahabatanya. Dan itulah satu-satunya masa aku melihat mereka tidak bersama-sama.

Setelah perisitwa itu, adalah dipersetujui oleh Tuk Imam dan ayah, sebarang masalah anak-anak ayah akan diuruskan oleh Tuk Imam dan segala masalah disiplin anak-anak Tuk Imam akan menjadi tanggungjawab ayahku. Kami semua gembira mendengar khabar itu, kerana Tuk Imam terkenal dengan percakapnya yang panjang lebar dan mengelirukan tetapi ayah aku pula kurang terkenal dengan percakapanya.

Anak-anak Tuk Imam semuanya perempuan, oleh itu walaupun ia menjadi tanggungjawab ayah, tetapi yang sebenarnya menjaga anak-anak Tuk adalah ibu aku yang cukup gembira dengan apa yang dipertanggungjawabkan ke atasnya. Mungkin Tuk Imam sudah tahu mengenai pekara ini sebelum membuat keputusanya.

Kehidupan kami serta kampung-kampung yang seangkatan dengan kami hanya menekankan kepada beberapa pekara, iatu: ilmu agama, ilmu secara umum dan ilmu persilatan. Setiap hari kami ditekankan untuk belajar subjek-subjek tersebut tidak kira sama ada yang tua atau muda. Kata Tuk, semangat untuk terus belajar dapat dimasukkan dalam kehidupannya dan orang sepertinya adalah melalui mengenali diri sendiri dan menyedari tujuan hidup, serta rasa rendah diri.

Tuk juga selalu berpesan kepadaku, “Orang yang kuat adalah orang yang dapat mengawal nafsunya dan kemarahanya.”

Punca & Akibat
Baru-baru ini, aku telah terlibat dalam satu masalah. Ada beberapa budak dari kampung jiran datang berkunjung dan ketika terserempak dengan aku, salah seorang dari mereka berkata yang dia ingin mencabar aku. Mula-mula aku agak terperanjat tapi aku berpendapat bahawa yang aku tidak mempunyai sebarang pilihan lain. Aku pun bersetuju dan dalam hati aku, aku mengatakan yang sudah lama aku ingin menguji diri aku sendiri dan mengetauhi tahap kehandalan aku. Walaupun aku sering berlatih dengan orang-orang kampung dan abang-abang ku. Ini bukan latihan tapi situasi yang sebenar aku katakan pada diriku.

Bermula dengan seorang, diikuti dengan yang lain. Dengan mudah aku dapat pertahankan diriku dari segala jenis serangan yang diarahkan kepada aku. Namun demikian, aku lupa nasihat tuk dan guru-guru aku yang lain, iatu dalam berlawan sesama saudara tidak boleh mencederakan pihak lawan dengan teruk. Dan seperti yang dijangkan aku telah mencedarakan lawan-lawan aku dengan agak parah.

Sekarang aku sekarang berdiri di tengah ruang tamu rumah Tuk, dia duduk di atas kerusinya. Dia memandang aku dan memanggil aku supaya berdiri lebih dekat denganya. Semasa berjalan aku tersedar yang isteri tuk yang juga seperti ibu kedua aku berada di tepi pintu dapur sedang mengintai aku, apabila melihat aku sedar akan kehadiranya, dia pun tersenyum, melambai ke arah aku. Aku tidak berani untuk senyum kembali dan terus berdiri memandang ke bawah di menghadap tuk.

Dia mula bercakap, “Oyang kau harus sedar bahawa di dalam dunia ini tiada siapa yang dapat menandingi kekuatan kaum kita dan kehandalan jiran-jiran kita. Dan di dalam seluruh kampung-kampung ini, tiada siapa yang dapat menewaskan ahli keluarga kamu. Itu adalah berkat, anugerah keluarga kau. Jadi kau harus sedar yang tanggungjawab kau lebih besar daripada orang lain.” Walaupun aku memang sedar akan hal itu tapi aku tidak pernah tahu yang kami adalah golongan yang terkuat. Baru sekarang aku sedar yang khabar angin mengenai ayahku tidak pernah ditewas selama ini adalah benar dan soalan aku terjawab mengenai mengapa abang-abang aku juga tidak pernah tewas di tangan pihak yang datang mencabar.

Tuk aku menyambung, “Tuk terdengar yang abang-abang serta guru-guru budak-budak yang kau belasah tadi akan datang untuk mencabar kau. Dengan mengalahkan anak-anak murid mereka kau juga telah mencabar mereka. Tetapi ayah kau telah menyuruh abang-abang kau selesaikan masalah itu. Malam ini, mereka akan cuba untuk membalas apa yang kau telah lakukan pada mereka.” Aku mula resah setelah mendengar apa yan dikatakan. Setelah menyedari yang muka aku nampak gelisah, dia Cuma tergelak kecil dan mengatakan, “jangan risau, seperti kau juga tiada siapa di bumi ini bukan sahaja tidak dapat mengalahkan malah tidak mampu untuk mencederakan abang-abang kau. Biarlah orang-orang itu rasakan sendiri, kerana mereka telah diberi amaran.”

Mak Bedah keluar membawa air bersama dengan Tiqah anaknya yang bongsu. Aku hanya memandang ke lantai bila ternampak mereka. Tuk Imam pun mula bersuara, Bedah oi, kau ingat aku panggil budak ni untuk ajak dia minum-minum ke? Bawak balik benda-benda tu. Tinggalkan secawanteh untuk aku.” Mak Bedah, meletakkan cawan itu di atas meja kecil yang bersebelahan dengan Tuk aku. Dia bergegas kembali, tetapi sempat untuk senyum dan mengusut rambut aku. Tuk hanya buat seakan-akan tak nampak.

Revelation
Tuk memandang aku dengan raut muka yang serious dan berkata “Tuk rasa dah sampai masanya Tuk bagi tahu kau rahsia ini. Seperti semua kehidupan di dunia ini kaum kita juga adalah hamba dan mempunyai fungsinya yang sendiri. Akan sampai masanya nanti, di mana seluruh kaum kita akan bergerak ke dunia luar. Dan bila masa itu tiba, tujuan kita ialah untuk menyelamatkan yang baik dan menghapuskan yang jahat serta seangkatanya.” Dia berhenti melihat reaksi aku dan menyambung, “orang-orang di luar itu bukan macam kita, bilangannya luas tapi hidup hanya sementara. Kekuatan dan anugerah kaum kita akan direalisasikan pada ketika itu. Pada masa ini juga ramai diantara kita berada di serata pelusuk dunia mengajar dan menyebarkan ilmu kepada orang-orang tertentu.” Dia berhenti dan menyambung semula, “ingat ilmu yang diperolehi adalah ilmu yang harus dikongsi.”

Selepas solat maghrib, aku dengan Tuk pun berjalan ke arah gelanggan besar kampung kami. Kelihatan sudah ramai orang yang berada di situ. Semakin hampir aku dengan gelanggang yang luas itu aku dapat melihat kedua abang aku di dalam bersama dengan beberapa orang lain termasuk budak-budak yang aku cederakan itu.

Abang-abang aku tersenyum melihat aku dan muka aku yang ketakutan. Tuk membawa aku bersamanya untuk duduk di luar gelanggang, ayah aku kelihatan sudahpun ada di tempat duduk di depan. Pada mulanya dia tidak bersetuju untuk berlawan tapi setelah di desak dan untuk memuaskan hati pencabar-pencabarnya dia bersetuju untuk mereka mencabar anak-anaknya.

Aku lihat beberapa gergasi yang tinggi dalam 20 kaki dan beberapa mahkluk yang belum pernah aku lihat sebelum ini. Ada juga yang terapung di udara. Terdapat dalam 20 orang di dalam gelanggan itu termasuk dengan abang-abang aku. Sejurus sahaja gong berbunyi menandakan yang perlawanan sudah bermula, kesemua pencabar pun mula berlari menuju ke arah abang-abangku.

Abang Long, aku membongkok ke bawah dan mengambil segenggam tanah dari gelanggan itu dan merenjis tanah itu dengan pantas ke arah musuh-musuhnya. Tanah-tanah halus itu berubah menjadi batu-batu kasar yang besar dan meluru ke arah penyerang-penyerangya. Batu-batu tersebut berubah berdasarkan saiz orang-orang yang menyerang. Tapi ada juga yang terlepas dari batu-batu tersebut.

Angah pula cuma menepukkan kedua tanganya, tepukkanya mengeluarkan bunyi yang sangat kuat seakan-ekan seperti guruh. Tepukan itu menyebabkan semua pencabar-pencabarnya itu berhenti di atas tanah gelanggang dan tidak bergerak. Hanya seorang sahaja yang setelah beberapa waktu bangun kembali dan meluru ke arah abang-abang aku. Tuk berkata kepada aku yang itu adalah ketua mereka, guru mereka.

Abang Long aku berpusing ke arah aku, dan menjerit, “Oyang!” dan mengisyaratkan dengan tanganya untuk aku masuk ke gelanggang. Tuk Imam hanya tersenyum, ayahku pun tersenyum melihat gelagat Tuk Imam. Aku masuk ke gelanggang dan berdiri bersama abang-abang aku. Pencabar yang terakhir itu berkata, “apakah ini budak yang menewaskan anak-anak murid aku?” Abang-abang aku tersenyum kecil melihat aku mengangguk kepada soalan tersebut. Dia berkata, “sedia!” dan terus menerpa ke arah aku.

Kedua abangku berundur kebelakang setelah melihat gelagat guru dari kampung jiran itu. Ini adalah perlawanan pertama aku di gelanggan ini, aku masih rasa kekok dan gementar. Aku nampak tumbukanya sampai ke muka aku, bila tumbukanya terkena sedikit pada kulit muka aku, badan aku bergerak sendiri, mengilis ke tepi dan segerak menumbuknya di bahagian perut. Guru itu terpelanting jauh ke belakang, aku pusing melihat abang-abang aku memandan aku. Aku perasan ayah telah mula berdiri dan wajahnya kelihatan agak berang. Dia jalan menuju ke arah ku, diikuti Tuk Imam dan abang-abang aku. Setelah sampai dihadapan aku, dia berkata kepada aku, “Yang, sekarang kau dah tahu akan apa yang kau mampu, jangan gunakan kekuatan kau ke jalan yang tidak betul.” Aku mengangguk faham.

Dengan itu, ayahku berjalan ke hadapan sedikit dan menghentakkan kakinya ke bumi, batu-batu gergasi yang kasar itu pulih ke bentuk asalnya dan semua orang di situ pun mulai bebas bergerak kembali.

Setelah itu, tamatlah perlawanan pada malam itu. Aku melihat anak-anak Tuk bersama dengan Mak Bedah dan ibuku sedang menunggu aku. Bila aku tiba disana, aku disambut dengan senyuman. Sesudah membersihkan diri dan makan malam, kami semua pulang dan berehat.

Pelbagai lagi peristiwa-peristiwa lain telah terjadi dan banyak pengalaman telah aku timba. Orang-orang kampung serta jiran-jiran kami, menjalankan kehidupan seperti biasa... menghambakan diri dan berlatih menunggu hari yang yang telah dijanjikan.

Cat

I just really like this song...it's been quite sometime since i first started listening to it and realized that i still listen to it and like it...hence i am uploading :D

Rempits

Let’s start with sense of fashion and a little about their lifestyle as an introductory; Unfolded collared T-shirt, skin tight jeans that looks awful, unsightly and according to some, smelly. Top it off with the legendary mullet, a pouch preferably leather like dangling from the shoulder. Not forgetting the shades, yellow timberland boots. And I quote a friend, “Suka makan belacan and can go on a diet of nasi putih, kicap, telur goring and sambal belacan forever as a means to save up and modify or buy a new bike and lastly…sexually active.” Apart from that they’re also well known for their rudeness and bad behavior.

Some might think that they’re imitating the westerners. I don’t think that that is the case here. They don’t watch Mtv or any reality dramas, talk shows or anything related…at least not as much as we do. I might be over thinking here but to me rempits are people who learn, adapt and go to extreme in what they do but of course towards a more negative outlook.

In a more positive note, if I am allowed to say... these guys are original/ authentic. A product of the country, and the creation of the society, they live as a group of people who stand together as a social outcast reflecting and behaving as they are perceived. Maybe even in the thought of rebelling against the stereotypes. These people mix up all the influences that they get and turn it into their own. I mean most of our traditions…and trends that we follow are from other nations, it is scary to think that after all this while this was the only real thing we came up with.

The most original of the lot and deserved to be respected are the ones who had to stop their schooling and work to support their families.

According to a source from wikipedia, it is said that; “In recent times, Mat Rempits have been linked to gangsterism, gang robbery, street fighting, vandalism, theft, bullying and rape.” This only goes to show that many evil/ poor people uses motorcycles as a means of doing bad things based on convenience. I’d like to add that Motorcycles (inanimate object) most certainly and a small percentage of rempits should not be seen and stereotyped as what they’re perceived as.

However if there is one aspect that astounds me and never fail to keep me astounded are their daredevil acts and their attempt on trying so hard to get hurt badly and even risk losing their lives. I have to say; just by picturing their acts in my head from memory is enough to get my heart racing. In addition to that as if it’s not dangerous enough they endanger someone else’s child, especially their girlfriends. Every time I witness their antics only one word comes to mind, Stupidity!

Yes, they’re really brave people considering that whenever a motorcyclist gets into an accident chances are it will most probably do serious damage to the vehicle and more importantly, the motorcyclist.

It is also stated on Wikipedia that, “Mat Rempits usually travel in groups in bustling city centers on weekend nights.” It continues, “Most motorcycles used by the Mat Rempits do not meet the standard specifications, or have been modified extensively.”
In this context, how are they different to the other road users especially when compared to car enthusiasts? These car enthusiasts, not only do they get off easily but are looked on in awe and in admiration. While in reality, these guys are followers of trend, spoiled brats and brave only in their car. Before I drift away from the subject, what is with this disparity? Which brings up this question; how can we be sure that these rempits are not looked down at because they’re poor?

To me, the similitude of a motorcyclist and a driver in a car is like a man holding a knife and the other with an automatic gun. I don’t think this needs emphasizing or does it?

One thing that we can be sure of is that these people are empty inside. So empty that the only way they feel alive is by getting adrenaline rush, by tempting fate and to get so close to death that for a brief moment it makes them feel alive…for example: bungee jumping, sky diving, etc.

Not forgetting, living in a society whose mind set is: the purpose of life is life. Followed by, ‘The reason of your existence is to enjoy and make the best of your physical existence right here, right now in this planet.’ So is it a surprise why most people behave the way they do?

Before this, I thought to myself that rempits are nothing but a group of pesticides, dumb people who are inconsiderate to themselves and to others. These days I choose to ponder upon sayings such as, ‘you are the environment you live in.’ almost everyone succumbs to circumstances in their lives. Only the few really strong/wise ones are exempted and come out by making the right choice. But normally people just resolve to a decision that is only applicable for a brief moment, short sighted decisions that’ll be a comfort only for a short period of time.

Humans in general spend their whole life in earning for recognition and to be accepted. In the minds of rempits and in their society, these are probably the ways to getting recognized and be accepted.

We had to go through such phases too, only difference was that we had easier choices and better options, so to speak or blessed with intelligence.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say we should act sympathetically towards them due to their lack of intelligence and bad decision making. Perhaps just trying to express that we should be grateful and try not to hate too much.

p.s. this article does not by any means suggests that you should or may lower your guard or be less cautious...please be extra careful in the midst or when confronted by rempits :P

p.s.p.s. After some thinking and realization I come to realize that rempits are not really that help deprived or even the lowest in society. Come to think about it these guys have the opportunities to make a decent living compared to some or even many..I don't blame ppl for disliking them neither do i hv anything against ppl who sympathize them...all in all i think it'll be safe to say that it won't be fair to judge them as a whole...despite the fact that most of them are as they portray themselves.

:I

The lot of us were already prepared and ready to depart. It was that time again to commemorate our yearly trip. This trip was our way to stay in touch and take a breather from the normal hectic, ever so demanding life. We were all considered successful but led a hectic life; some led an even more strenuous one than the other. This trip not only brought us all together but brought us together with the best of companies.

We were all from the same neighborhood, a good one with highly regarded families, on the contrary at least. My friends, most of them when to the same primary school and each one of us attended the same high school. Though throughout the years we met new faces, people and friends… this bunch of guys were just simply irreplaceable.

The thing is, when we get together each one of us turn into fools and we normally end up doing something really stupid in the name of ‘fun’. Best thing about it was, speaking from experience over the days; we did some really bad things. But like I said we were from good families. Hence we’ve always managed to slip through the law, rather easily I would boast.

We didn’t had the need to impress anyone, we were more than comfortable with each other and being together, going on a trip to Europe made us excited and feel free as a bird.

As usual a couple of us arrived late, so we had to wait for them to run through the usual routine at the counter. The rest of us, waited for them at the departure area. As we were standing there, this young salesman who had a booth nearby approached us. He was selling some electrical devices, I don’t recall what he was selling exactly.

Despite his cheap clothing, he was quite well versed and carried himself well. He had good features too and we started to converse with him. After a few minutes, he was already chatting away with the lot of us.

Angkoh, suddenly realized that our friends that arrived late were standing across where we stood facing the counter. They were queuing up waiting for their turn to come up. I saw a grin on Angkoh’s face. He looked at the salesman, whom we came to know as Slav.

Angkoh turned to him and said, “Hey Slav, I need you to go and send a message for me.” Slav raised an eyebrow playfully and after a few seconds staring at Angkoh, he realized that Angkoh was not joking. “What is it?” he asked.

Angkoh replied, “I want you to go to the two guys over there and right in their face say, “fuck you!” He emphasized on that curse as he said it to Slav and laughed. As a response, Slav immediately said no and refused to do as demanded by Angkoh.

Angkoh however knew how things worked; he told Slav that he’d pay him 50 bucks, if he adhered to him. Once again Slav said no. Soon Angkoh appeared to be a little too persuasive, “Come on now, how much do you get paid here? 4 ringgit per hour? Heh, this will take you less than 5 minutes.” I started to feel quite bad for Slav but then the other guys started to persuade Slav and asked him to go do it.

Slav had to oblige. I saw him walking slowly towards my other friends; the guys were already snickering waiting to see how the guys who were queing up would respond. Oddly enough, Slav was smiling as well. That’s surprising, I thought to myself. He looked really glum about the idea, before he started.

As he got there, he stood there right in front of them and we noticed, instead of just muttering the words he was supposed to…he appeared to be talking to them longer than he should have. The guys from both sides were laughing. And the ones who came late pointed towards us and were laughing hard.

Everyone did except for Angkoh. He knew that his plan had failed. Slav returned and demanded for his money. Angkoh pointed a finger to his bodyguard who was wearing a black leather jacket. The man took out a 50 ringgit note and handed it to Slav.

The guys were done with their transactions at the counter and they joined us. We were already behind schedule. I shook Slav’s hand in a hurry and went off with my friends. As were walking towards the gate I heard Angkoh saying, “Sampah” in disgust. Nevertheless, I am sure he’ll forget about this in a few minutes time and come up with more idiotic ideas for a joke. That too was the very last time I saw Slav.

Conjecture of Yours

What is this man?
What is this rush to chase this stable life, what is this dash to proclaim more wealth?
Can’t we be strong with a penny less?
Oh so superficially, artificial,
What is this need to go on to impress, why must I be a subject of appraisal?
Why should I fall just like the rest,
In self denial and the deceit of the biggest kind…

Everybody so predictable, queuing up for commonality,
changes yes they come undeniably, I look at things with difficulty, why must I move on from thereon to here on? These people diminishing into their wet dreams,
what is this importance of living to expectations?

Can’t I just stay on and said that I moved on, isn’t it true that pursuing happiness of this kind, is an indication by the masses?
To be accepted and be one with the asses, don’t thee question the self lying bastards? Unable to distinguish colour from blackness, putting on their game face,
With a pride intact and a whole lot of chatter that decorate their lies.

Your art and your people so artificial, held up in crowds, to make a blinding statement, an attention cry that’s what it is, in a performance to be more expressive, mesmerizing only the temperamental, tantalizing only the superficial, a form of escapism, that’s what it is.

Why does this need to separate arises, we are not Jews neither royalties, but seen as losers for not being with the posers, the majority wins, democracy is pointless when the masses are mindless.

Be prepared to be abandoned, but not from disparity and inequality,
you suggest not to think of the other, and be selfish in desire, wanting praise so to feel superior, human beings by nature, unappeasable in their sightless desires.

Yours Truly

Note: This here is a work of fiction.

I wanted to somewhat challenge myself in writing something I don’t normally write about, however I think I managed to retain the normal pessimistic values :p



Now that I know you…now that I know you,
I begin to see,
To comprehend beyond, what the eyes can see,
Your accomplishments innumerable, printed and framed,
So proud and bold, colored and distinguished,
I look upon in awe and disbelief.

It feels quite lowly being with you,
Turns me into a reflector being,
On the contrary so perfectly,
Both mind and soul almost godly,
Your presence makes pearls hide in its shell,
In your presence no man is worthy of present.

So accomplished and profound,
Remarkably tantamount,
With the gracefulness of your gown,
Should I have known,
I ought to be gone.

Looking at you invites fantasies,
Though suddenly with inconsistencies,
Why the change of mind?
He is with uncertainties.

You talk to me equally,
Still I knew, I failed to see,
Your kindness is default,
To eliminate you do not,
He construed your intent incorrectly.

Oh how I notice your qualities,
So divine and complete,
Yet...I forgot to see,
My place in line,
For you’re in heaven and I not within

If only you spoke your mind,
I would’ve seen my guideline,
For I am lost, though rarely lost,
Shifting aimlessly,
Headed a dead end.


I look up at you,
Head pointed upwards;
Admires you like none other,
Not for another,
Wishing you the whole asunder.

I see your likes so far away,
But here, I am jumping in empty air,
Hoping to see a fruit will bear.

I talk about equality but come close not to your qualities,
My cry not worthy,
My fight gone wary,
He wonders, why talk to me,
When you only see through me,
Like an arrow going pass me.

Nay this isn’t embitterment,
Neither a cry of dissatisfaction,
But a revelation,
An abrupt vision,
To a mindless descent

I fell in love with your intelligence,
Nay, not your appearance,
But the self within,
Out of the ordinary,
Hardheaded woman,
Precisely stringent.

He has seen the difference between a princess and a peasant,
I look up at her with glistening eyes,
She looks at him,
A shadow in the night.

Raya Post

content>

Erm I was tagged by Hafiz. 15 random facts about me, what the hell... Well since its hari raya and I am at home waiting for my friends. I’ll just scribble some things down. I might’ve added unnecessary details and more than 15 facts, but…I don’t really care. So here it is, 15 facts or so about muah:

1. Wanted to go to a dentist for the past couple of years. No, I don’t have any toothache but I just want to go to a dentist.
2. .Football is a passion, and a sport I’d play until I can’t anymore. And my favorite players are Zidane and Ronaldo (R9).
3. If you knew me in real life, you’d know that I want to have superpowers haha. Well if I had to choose, I’d go for knowledge, boundless, unlimited knowledge of the world and the universe…woot woot! Haha okay that was nerdy.
4. I didn’t go for raya prayers today huhu. Got back around dawn from a friend’s woke up at 8 with a terrible headache probably caused from the night before, the shrieking voices and the pounding on the door, calling me to get ready. There was no panadol, so I had to settle for cough syrup, selsema pills and a painkiller. Woke up around 2 and went to Boy’s place.
5. Yesterday as I was waking up, I accidentally kicked my night lamp huhu. Obviously it broke, it was given by my brother who said that the lamp costs more than 700 ringgit…macam tak jee
6. Despises liars, insincerity and people who konon ada stand on things just to fit in with crowds. Dislikes the artsy, fartsy new age people who think that they’re one of a kind or somewhat superior or a kind of a misunderstood genius… But is envious on how they believe in themselves. And most importantly, I always assume that for someone to adopt a lifestyle/ a belief…that someone should be able to explain about it in a logical manner, in a way that others can understand or at least give out clear messages that makes some sense on why they chose it.
7. I also think that almost every thinker/ philosopher ways of thinking, doctrines are right if you take into consideration their backgrounds, time of living/ time frame and their influences and also their objectives.
8. I don’t have a favorite food, drink, color, number or anything similar to those. I was taught by life to accept the things I get regardless of what I thought of them.
9. And this to me is a big revelation, it is soo simple but I have to say that it troubled me quite. Just recently I got to know the meaning of, “every man is created equal” I mean I contemplated on it, written entries on the topic and knew that every man is not created equal. But then, I finally conjured it up, that man is not created equal amongst men but the answer to my doubt was, every man is created equal in the eyes of God.
10. I get headaches when I am stressed, too full, hungry, tired/ sleepy, slept too much, think too much, bored and I am not very tolerant of it.
11. Oh I think that martial arts is a form of expressionism and one of the many ways to understand one self and another.
12. Is quite vulnerable and gets cheated on easily but really distrusts most people. I also am quite paranoid and it gets really scary at times.
13. Likes music, orchestras, instrumental and anything nice really. I also like to think that I like reading, writing and to gain knowledge.
14. Hm I said, I didn’t have any favorite food ehh…well I can live without them but I really do like chocolates and ice cream.
15. hmmm… still reads Crayon Shin Chan and it is really a stress reliever and very fun to read haha.
16. Tak pernah beraya di kampung, awek2 yang ada kampung silalah ajak hehehe
17. I think that 'understanding' is divine...

Erm okay I hope that that was okay. It’s my first time so okay laa. Selamat Hari Raya…I should go out now huhu.

p.s. this was the coolest raya sms I’ve gotten this year, “Baju raya Rm 450, kasut raya RM 300, adat membazir memang tak dapat dikengkam, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.” hahahaha

It's a Game...

This is a pretty old clip but i don't think many know of it...the song is by Thomas Fersen...well i just think its really cool, the song and the video...

Mind, 'Think' and Immortality

*Cerita ini adalah rekaan semata-mata

“Innumerable changes of mood are yours,
And they are uncontrolled by you.
If you knew their origin,
You would be able to dominate them.
If you cannot localize your changes,
How can you localize that which found you?”


As absurd as this might sound, last night I dreamt that I could fly.


Circumstances, I guess that’s the word I was looking for. That probably is the main reason why others consider me as ‘different’ or even going as far as calling me weird. Having grown up experiencing many ‘ups and downs’ in life and living with the nicest of person and also the evil-est of people had made me a believer and a skeptic. As we all know there are more bad people in this world than there are good ones. However there are others whom I despise more than the rest. These are people who under the pretense of doing good do bad things and justify their acts in the name of religion, love etc.

People who fool themselves with make beliefs to be exempted from punishments and to get rid of the guilt that taunts.

Getting back to the way I was brought up, the circumstances involved made the way I look at things differently, different than what the majority perceives at least. I guess in a, though I do not entirely understand this, I am assuming it is safe to say that everything happens for a reason.

They’re all only considered right, because they think that they’re in the right path. But who is to judge? Who is to settle this battle of right and wrong? The time will come a wise man told me soon enough. That frightened me.

My parents upon realizing that they named their child with the name of the devil changed it because they thought that it was the best thing to do… my birth name was Rushdi, when the book came out they rushed and changed my name. I am now known as Mikail.

Like every child I used to be cheerful and playful. But things change, right? The world reveals itself to you. Damned world, if anyone thinks of it as a haven of sort or that they want to be reborn again and again… it is nothing but lack of information, imagination, or anything else that can substituted for the word stupid.

During my adolescent years I witnessed many things, bad things such as fights among close relatives, fights amongst strangers, wars, separations, greed, and misuse of authority, etc…point is, it was enough to taint my perception on people. These things had planted something in my buoyant mind; worry and distrust.

This corrupted my corruptible mind. Something I wasn’t aware of before. And it had somewhat grown into me. I also realized that for someone to be pleased with you and to make him or her happy, one must to learn to impress. I told myself that I should stop trying to do things in a manner that will confuse my intentions into one that might want to impress people.

Time passed and after having moved around a few places. I had close friends, true friends, but all those moving around made it somewhat futile. These days my time which I normally spent alone either by just sitting idly or doing whatever it was I felt like.

I loved nature; it gave me a certain kind of calmness and security. I used to climb on huge trees with wide branches, pluck ripe fruits and share it with the rest of the occupants…that was fun especially when it was a huge jackfruit.

There was also a time where I discovered death. There were these strange people who would pass my house carrying a corpse on a wooden bed, lighting up fireworks, dancing as they walked towards the beach. Everyday some one died; sometimes they were guys who did multiple summersaults as they walked by. The music wasn’t very good though, they’d blow this shell thing which made a blowing noise similar to a trumpet. At first I was awed, but when I started to look at the corpse decorated with flower and the stillness of the body, I thought, why are they appearing to have fun? Is this a celebration?

Soon enough I learned that everyone dies. That too exposed me to something-- paranoia. I only have one person whom I can totally have faith and trust in and they too are tangible. I used to shiver at the thought and that fear now transcended mere thoughts into a different level-- it’s as if I could touch it and witness it. It made me question a lot of things like the purpose of my existence. On a positive note, it made me an avid student of life.

Recently we moved houses, to an urban area this time, I was quite sure that we weren’t going to be moving away from there anytime soon. We didn’t have the capacity to do so anymore. I always dreamt of having normal friends. I then realized these Normal friends who normally had everything they wanted and almost anything they wished for were also normally always angry and upset about something. It is as if people with no problems, created problems of their own. It made me ask myself, ‘define normal’. Normal is what the majority perceive as normal.

Speaking of true friends I finally met one; we met during our secondary days. He was nothing normal though. He was as or even an outcast with a dark story of his own. His name was Rustam but people called him Russ. He didn’t like it when people called him that because it reminded him of Russell Crowe. He told me that when people called him Russ, he always imagined they calling him Rust.

Rust or Russ however you want to see him was exposed to the wonders of drugs in an early age. He was into anything that made him feel not his normal self. Despite his usage he was really a good, kindhearted human being and I mean it when I say that.

“Let’s get high man.” He would say. That was about the first thing that came out from his mouth every time we met. And each time I told him, to indulge oneself with pleasure that one is not supposed to be experiencing will only lead to massive amount of pain and destruction.

“You’re probably right, but I am not doing this to gain pleasure. Well my main objective is to not think, but since that is not possible I use it to drift from my current state. I love you man.” Rus said.

I assumed that he was already on some kind of elevated state. But it’s these ‘test’ that one has to face to journey on to eventually be freed of such feeling/ things, no? I asked.

Inaudible…

I couldn’t hear a thing and suddenly…

Amplified heart beats

Amplified heart beats

The sound of train going off in distance…

We tried and experimented on many things. Our objective was to stop the mind from thinking. How dumb and stupid. But then that was a good excuse to get high.

Rus was sent to a hospital. It was a norm with him; he always wanted to double the dosage of whatever I was having. After a few days, he was back in my room, in my broken house of my broken family. “I love you man, lets get high.” I laughed at him and said what did you bring today?

“I couldn’t find much.” He said, he looked at the plastic bag he brought and said, “I have some erm stimulants, hallucinogens and some sleeping pills which falls under the depressant category. I think” He said laughing. “What do you have?” he asked.

Some meth, weed and a mixture of tablets that I’ve grounded into powder… He smiled and said, “That’ll do the job. Let’s do something totally idiotic and mix them all with flour and try to bake them? Hahaha”

A few hours passed and it didn’t seem to work as much, but it was somewhat painful. We both laid there, still in the world.

Suddenly I saw Marvin Gaye, in his usual smooth, soulful self he sang to me, “Oh baby.” The way he said it was too good. Rus was playing one of his clips on the monitor. He was singing ‘what’s going on’ I see the people in the audience not singing, laughing, dancing or smiling. Their expressions were serious and they were listening attentively to the message he was conveying in a very smooth, soulful way. That’s weird I said.

I began to feel my head spinning, but it was still empty inside; I then randomly asked Rus, what was the best praise someone gave you? He smiled and said, “Now that’s easy.” He smiled and started, “there was this girl whom I once went out with, she told me that she loved me and that she couldn’t bear to be part from me…so what she did was she broke off with me and started going out with a girl. Hahahaha”

I laughed hysterically at that, we both laughed our ass off. Rus had this vibe that attracted girls, they weren’t an issue to him. And that made me quite popular as well hence they were no longer an issue to me either. They were helpful at times and played their parts when needed. But that was as far as it went.

“What’s yours?” he asked me. Okay, this is something that really happened. Before that can you put some Cats Steven on? Rus stood up and put on some Cats Steven on. I started, you know Mario right? The guy who shaves his face for hours till it starts to bleed and once when we were high he cut my hair from night till dawn. Haha. That was the longest haircut I ever had in my entire life!

I am not sure if he was under the influence at that time, but I was quite taken aback, overwhelmed and confused by what he said. I spoke softly in a mild tone that a normal person might have difficulty listening to. My head felt empty and this new recipe caused us to feel numb all over. We couldn’t feel a thing, not even when my hand rubbing on my other. I noticed Rus paying his fullest attention on me and was waiting. “So, what did that scumbag say?” Rus asked.

Mario was this 30+ dude whom taught us many things but one day he stole all of our stuff and money. He was a really good guy, but under the influence, good people do bad things. That’s one of the gravest consequences of these chemical substances.

So one morning… before that can you put on Vivaldi’s ‘winter’ please? I suddenly feel like hearing it. Rus with no expression on his face stood up slowly again and walked towards the computer. I looked at him moving. I swear to god it felt like waiting for hours, he moved really slowly. And waiting for him to walk back and return to his resting spot seemed unearthly.

I resumed, one morning, as we were sitting, we were speaking of a matter that I no longer remember…he then suddenly started talking about the Mel Gibson movie you know, “passion of the Christ”. Rus gaze was focused on me.

“You know what?” Mario asked.

What? I said in reply, “Last night I saw that movie, and as the movie went on, I began to cry a little.” Okay, so what man, I saw that movie, it was quite nice actually I said. I didn’t cry though, I said to him.

Mario continued, “As the movie went on and I don’t know why, while Jesus was being tortured, for some reason I was reminded of you. I kept thinking of you and I started to cry more. I was reminded of you!” he said sobbing.

I kept quiet, didn’t know what to say, I guess I really am that pathetic. So yeah, that was it. Funny thing was I didn’t see my struggle all that meaningful haha I laughed looking at Rus. I looked at him again and realized that he was once again unconscious. I called the ambulance and he was taken to the hospital. I guess he took in more than his body could take, like always. He was greedy when it came to drugs.

I too, after calling for the ambulance fell unconscious. I woke up in the hospital. I guess I too was greedy when it came to drugs. Our parents were there and it was a norm to them. When they visited us, they didn’t complain or got angry. I guess this is what you call unconditional love. I respect that. When people expect something in return then I think it’s no longer very sincere, I disrespect that.

I think we didn’t make it this time. Our bodies were dead and I could see it from above. I am not sure if I am high, this wasn’t the first time though. Was I experiencing another outer body experience? Well it doesn’t matter. Point is I am still thinking and I always do. I guess in a way we never seize to die.

Like how the famous Descartes said, “Cogito ergo sum” “I think, therefore I am”

*Inaudible*

Amplified heart beats

The sound of train going off in distance…


I was a poor boy,
A devotee of piety,
When you’re poor and weak,
There is but one to turn to.

I see the people around me,
So relaxed and nonchalantly,
Living life in the sake of a good times,
I examined and then considered,

Questioned. What is the difference between them and me?
And that me in being piety, them in being cheery,
Inexistent alone, but with them I am alike.
They looked rejoiced, in their own terrain.

I followed them, played with them,
And I learned from them,
They chased and longed for pleasure with wealth,
More and more, they kept asking for more.

Didn’t take me long to become heedful,
Of what a waste, waste of phase, of lies and guise
They cover up their sorrows with adornments, entertainments and diversions
Get rid of worry through delusions and hallucinations.

I am aware of the chief deceiver in play,
It has its hand in the game,
To make no difference between both sides,
I gazed my friends; they look back in loathe.

The group deserved to be left in error,
They misplaced their faith in their own ruin,
Yet they think they’re truly guided,
The trumpet blows, and it's proven.