You and I (warning: extremely whinny)

Today was somewhat different than usual. You woke up from your slumber later than you used to. However waking up today not only made you feel wearier but it made you feel a bit towards the point of pointless. Only sometimes, very rarely you wake up feeling at ease and satisfied which normally you don’t because you don’t think you deserve it.

The weather couldn’t be weirder; it has been acting strangely these past days. I don’t even know you anymore you felt like saying. Yet it was influential enough to change your mood, the way you feel and disrupt your normal routine. Come to think about it, all around the world people adapt to the weather not the other way around. So, erm adapt.

Afternoons, these past couple of weeks had been scheduled for hardcore thunder storms. The flashes of lightnings were so white and bright and so near you thought it was about to strike you. Back in your mind, you prepare and warn yourself for the possibility of how it could bring damage to you but soon enough you ignore that thought thinking that you’re just being absurd…as usual.

The days used to be tiring and confusing but lately considering the weather and other aspects that had happened, all the weird things that happens makes you even more dreadful and lost. One of your main escapes was the friends you hung out with and with whom you shamelessly expressed yourself. you didn’t care if they were listening as long as they pretended to, it was fine. But the close ones now, preoccupied with their jobs and their own wearied life. You didn’t mind…then you always had plenty of friends and other options. Nevertheless the one friend you waited for so long never seemed to surface. Yet you say to yourself there’s still hope, you always say that giving optimism a bad name.

I sat up straight in the middle of the night before I sleep, every night thinking of what I have done and what needed to be done the next morning I wake up, Having the intention of wanting to use those precious moments in a productive manner. Instead I think of small petty things that could be used as excuses and to get rid of the guilt.

A person you knew told you that she gives out a small amount of money from her salary to the needy. You asked her why is she telling you that. She replies, just because. You told her she was doing a good, noble thing. Inside your head you say that she only does it in order to make herself feel better. You don’t have anything against her or the things she does. It’s just that almost everyone who lives a lavish life or not tend to give away small amount of charity to get rid of the guilt and to tell themselves that they have done their part.

Everyday you wake up and you get ready for work. As long as you worked, you didn’t feel guilty about how you spend your time. Work prevents you from the guiltiness. As long as you make some money and get out from the house everyday it was ok. Doing the same things everyday and being tossed around was normal, something to adapt to. As long as you had a job it was ok.

The days you don’t have to go to work. You want to spend quality time and have fun, normally you do. But when your friends are tied up and you have to spend your quality time all alone. You start to wonder and think about how you’re wasting your time and you start to feel pointless to the point that you feel it would be better if you were at work and being with the people you hated and detest would be relatively better rather than staying alone. Suddenly thinking that 'fight club ' wasn’t really a bad idea. People needed release and a fight club could give you just that.

You sat back and thought about your wins and loses and started thinking back times. You always did remember only the bad side of things and the negative parts. That’s what your friends said at least. Those were ages ago, now you’re and still bitter as you used to be although you feel more controlled and matured some people never change they say. Now you’re retired and no longer young. You had gone through many things and have had obtained the numerous things which you wished for when you were younger. Yet still, you ponder and question about your existence.

You sat there reminiscing…reminiscing. Reminiscing has to be one of the most overrated, overused words. It has been constantly used especially by rappers in their songs. They reminisce about their life in the hood. Little wonder, now that they’ve made it out of the hood, why still reminisce if you hate it so much. Let’s Move along…yeah lets move along before risking sounding like a hypocrite.

You always thought that people praising you were always a good thing. Now you’ve realized that it only made you feel better of yourself. It is however, common human nature to get acknowledged by others that makes one feel good. One of the most extravagant praise of all time was when I was in my early twenties and it might not be all true and honest but the praise itself was beyond anything you’d imagine.

There was this 30 something year old guy whom I worked with once. I got along more than fine with him and on one afternoon while we were talking, he suddenly jumped to a different topic than the one i was going on about as if remembering something important and exclaimed that he saw a movie. He then continued that the movie was entitled ‘passion of the Christ’, he said, “it was a sad movie and I cried like a baby and I tried to conceal it from myself being seen and the weird thing was, while I was watching it, quite funnily it reminded me of you.” His facial expression was almost sad and I liked to believe that he was sincere, but it clearly didn’t show that he was joking around. I on the other hand was…entertained. Although it wasn’t even a proper commend but it was meaningful enough for me to still remember it till today.

You once thought that you worked hard and you achieved all the things you had as a result of your own effort and endurance followed by an iron will of determination. On one hand it was true; on the other hand you were just living up to expectations and the path that was already bestowed before you every time you moved along. Everything that you needed to do was laid in front for you. Starting from kindergarten you were already expected to act in a certain way and perform to a certain extent. You never once asked why all this expectations? Instead you went through primary school and high school just following the path that was laid onto you. You didn’t regret following the path. You just regretted not having done it on your own conscience.

Do you still feel proud of yourself now? Of your accomplishments…when all you did was play along and live up to others expectation towards one goal, money.

Later you tell me that working is the most depressing phase that you had to go through and when you lose motivation you bought a car and before that was settled, and this time you thought ahead before losing your motivation again you decided to buy a house which left you with no choice but to keep on working. By doing so you raised up to your family’s expectation, your own expectation and your future wife’s expectation and then finally and predictably you get married tying a permanent knot to your everyday work life which leaves you with no other choice but to continue working at least till you reach the age 50. Not forgetting, gaining a troublesome liability. That perhaps is part of being a man.

You and I are the same. You go to every phase of life that either I had gone to or predictably have to go through. Perhaps this is just a game after all. To see who gets to the finish line first. A wise man once told me that a real man doesn’t complain instead he dealt with his problems patiently and calmly. In that case I guess I am still not man enough then.