Mengisi Masa Lapang

Boredom is the root of all evil? whoever said that? well, not in this case, boredom led me into writing a new entry. So at times it could lead to productiveness I guess. I thought to myself that since I am not in the mood for reading, lazy would be a better word to describe how I am feeling now perhaps de-motivated would be appropriate too. So rambling might be an alternative to occupy the confused, no purpose of direction self a reason for self expression which is considered healthy but if you think about it not so manly.

The weather is gloomy as such that it makes the lazy think that they’re not in the mood. I think of my friends and of what they might be doing now, busy I guess, but nothing that has not been done before. Pointless maybe but self deception is not a deception to the self? I need a vacation, but there’s many type of vacations, one just needs a strong enough mind to go on vacation. That doesn’t work; at least for me though saying it makes me feel better.

I think about what to do now, the next minute, the next hour…but then what’s the use of thinking or planning ahead when you don’t have the power of choice? The only choice that a man has is to choose to live or to commit suicide, I don’t remember who said that but I remember reading it, that too I don’t believe fully. It’s all luck it always is, I say to myself.

Why do I feel insecure and paranoid? Because I am human, I say to myself. It feels weird asking a question and knowing the answer to it but still not getting the satisfaction that I wanted. The uneasiness that I feel has been with me for a long-long time, to the extent that I think its a part of me. Something I have to live with.

My previous entries were long, what was I thinking? I must’ve been really bored but none the less, I have something that’s mine, my thoughts…come to think about it, are my thoughts really mine? Jumping back to the uneasiness and as to why I feel it, it’s a state of mind originated by the problems, dissatisfaction and the uncertainty of the future; I put these thoughts in my head, I am thinking.

I don’t look up to most adults because I have this notion that all they’ve been doing was going with the flow. Life that is similar to a pinball in a pinball machine but who am I to say? Many a times before when I ask people questions like, what is your life? And its purpose and troubling weird questions such as that to at least get a slight hint, I only end up knowing what I’ve already know. What have you been doing with your life all this while? Got carried away with the rat race and now too weary to think about the self? Or is it the misconception and self denial? Luck could be a factor perhaps?

A man I asked said that, “its just beliefs, nothing more” I somewhat respect this middle aged man for having his own sets of beliefs no matter how untrue or disagreeable it is. He also said, “A man needs something he believes in without that he’d go insane therefore there’s no telling if his beliefs are true but it helps him in staying sane.” I was thankful that he was being honest and was amazed at myself for asking these types of questions to people I barely knew, most elderly people tend to answer them but they answer it according to what and how they see it, how am I supposed to grasp the meaning of life the way they see it? For it’s only applicable to them.

Why do the poor always appear happier and more content compared to the wealthy? I would like to say ignorance is bliss but I would like to go with honest dwelling and a less complicated/ hectic life style. I think positively too at times.

In the midst of my self pitying, when I started looking around at the people around me. I feel that things aren’t as bad as I think they are. I am as always taking things too seriously and being self centered, one might say.

However, how do people look happy and appear so cheerful in this corrupted, material inclined world? Theres good in everything, it's just a matter of how you look at things. There I answered my question again.