He sat there on his chair before his desk. He was precariously going through the drawers in it, searching for something. And while he was fiddling in the last drawer he finally found what he was looking for...his sketch book.
He took it out, cleared his table and laid it directly in front of him. He started to take long deep breathes to calm himself down, his hands shaky from the ruckus he caused. He always knew that taking long slow breathes always managed to calm people down and enables them to focus again.
It didn’t quite work this time. He was still feeling unwell and from the looks of it. He had this look when people had when they were really afraid of something. It was potrayed in his face.
He once again opened the top drawer of his desk looked for something and took out his spare spectacles. He started off reading and focusing on it, his thoughts were now fully concentrated on what he was reading.
'I looked at him in the mirror utterly amazed, I don’t know what happened.
Although I knew inside me what had happened was bizarre enough to the extent of inexplicability. It felt so normal, normal just like every other day. Who would’ve known or expected something like this. It was so rude and abrupt.
I was just waking up, and as I opened my eyes I started abruptly walking down a familiar street. I stopped and stood there still trying to digest what was happening to me. The weather was really hot; it felt as if the sun was just a few feet away from me. It was dry, as dry as my mouth was at that time. I began to feel that the sun had something personal against me. It hated me, the way it shone, I knew it.
There was no one around; the road was filled with cars. The traffic lights changed colors from green, orange and red. It never stopped it was just going from one color to another, Making me more scared and uneasy. No one was in their cars. It was as if everyone else was invisible.
I held my head with both hands, trying to calm down and come up with a logical reasoning to what I was witnessing. I tried to come up with one but nothing came. So I tried again, and after a couple of minutes of futile trying, I gave up.
Never before have I experienced anything like this before and the things I experienced before can’t explain what I was going through now. I decided to just keep on walking. I took off my shirt and tied it on to my head, to protect it from the evil sun. Who at that time I perceived had a personal agenda against me.
And just like that, without any warning the tar covered street turned into a place I no longer recognized and as I continued on, the tar road then turned into to a muddy road, dried up nonetheless. i thought of water and was certain that If there was a little mudhole and had a puddle of water in it, I would’ve drunk it.
It felt like I was on a desert, though I’ve never been to one before. My mind was going crazy, I couldn’t think straight. The heat was getting into me. I was giving into the pain and as aimless as I was I kept on walking in hope that I something would change.
And as expected I noticed something changing; the weather changed. It wasn’t as hot as it was before; I started to experience a great relief for a few seconds. The sun was going down and replaced by the clouds in the sky. The weather almost instantaneously started to change before me and just like that from hell hot it turned to a malicious cold, cold night. I kept on moving, not wanting to think but the pressure was too much and I started cursing. Cursing anything and everything especially myself. It was snowing; I stood there with my head looking upwards not believing what was happening. The day turned to night and the familiar scene of a Disney movie when it was Christmas was reliving in front of my eyes, only without the merry sounds of bells or music. Come to think about it there was nothing merry about it. It was pitch black, except for the now visible moon. The street was filled with cold snow
I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t used to whatever it is that’s happening to me and I wasn’t used to the type of weather. I knew that if I was exposed any longer, I would literally freeze and turn into an ice sculpture.
Amidst the pitch black surroundings, I now with my hands to the ground managed to locate a place I figured would be a suitable place for refuge. The ground was sloping down; I climbed down carefully the huge rough walls. When I reached down, my hands were caressing the rough walls. As I continued walking with my hands on it. I found a hole in it, it was like a tiny tunnel and fortunately big enough for me to fit in. I went deeper in until I was too tired to continue forward.
I checked my pockets for some thing and if possible a lighter, though I don’t smoke and never carried a one before. I could’ve sworn that, that was the worst I have ever felt. The chills getting into every bone in me and in to my head, I curled up, trying to get some warmth. But I started to aware of the place, the place stank. It was a stink hole I was in. My head was pounding, I tried to get myself in control but I was too weak. I thought to myself that everything that was happening was just some really vivid, sick dream.
It was so surreal and so intense that all I could think of is to find an escape. I forgot all about my worries and the things that used to trouble my life. It all came to this one moment. The present was so important and decisive. I was anticipating something to happen, really fast. I wanted this obstacle before me to pass. I laid there in the stink and not wanting to look at the ground, shaking so severely, getting weaker by the second.
Waiting for a change but it just got clearer and clearer.I closed my eyes really hard trying to escape from this dreaded-ness but there was no difference in closing my eyes or keeping it open. It was the same darkness everywhere. My head unable to think was numb. My nerves were thumping; I didn’t know what to think of or what to focus on it was just static... but with a helpless feeling that only made me feeling worse.
I gave up; there was no more fight in me. I laid there just waiting for something to happen, but nothing did. Something really shocking happened then, I noticed that this nightmare was nothing different to my present life. I was in a bind and waited for things to change, for them to get better. But I just lived on hoping for a change that would make things better. It didn't and apparently just living alone wasn’t enough.
I sat down resting my back at the wall behind me. I didn't care about the smell or how dirty it was. What was more revolting than the sheer emptiness and the inability to change something. At that time I felt small, tiny and an icy giant hand was clenching my whole, but just not hard enough to let me out of my misery. Suddenly I realized I wasn’t afraid of the darkness anymore. Was I adapting? I started to think again.
This wasn’t any different from my present. It was just more vivid and the real difference was, this felt as if someone really heavy was shoving my unhealthy thoughts into my face and making me face it and making sure that my eyes were opened to witness and feel it.
I was staring at them; Flashes of events, thoughts… were parading as my eyes were opened. All those moments in my life, passing forth and back; I laid there looking at them not knowing what to do.
I imagined getting out from the dark hole and seeing a light...
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