Manners in My Manor

I remember watching this before. Not too long ago, there were two main characters of the same, one older and the other one younger --Joined by other personalities.

I think I finally understand now; there was no outer interference, no bizarre phenomenon. I was afraid and felt the fright because of the state of my mind / my mental state. The uneasiness and discontentment turned into fear. I couldn’t bring myself to turn off the light in the room. I even had the door opened. Having the feeling of someone watching over me, waiting for the right time to make it self-visible to me and reveal its ugliness. I was almost certain that there was a presence.

Ever since I was a kid, I was fascinated by those flying tins up in the sky. The loud sound it emits notifying its arrival. The blaring sound that once was a disturbance now turned into a norm due to the constancy of it. It seemed so far up, so distance that I longed for it. We all somewhat go for the things that are too far to reach. It gives a sense of motivation and longing I suppose.

I try to comfort myself by telling myself that everyday is a new day and you never know what you can learn or gain the next day. Patience and contentment, those are the two vital things that a man’s got to set as his motto. Be patient and content with what you have. That’s what the book said.

Even when I was small I wanted to escape from reality. I guess that happened naturally as a defense mechanism of sort. My next-door neighbors were a bunch of young stewards and stewardess. They’d come and go almost at anytime of the day or night. They always seemed busy and on the run. I’d just look at them in awe. Sometimes a couple of them came over to our place, they’d tell about their experiences and how foreign men tried to harass them. For some reason I always felt that people on the run who appear to be busy appeared cool and with a mission to do something equally cool.

I have to wake up early the next morning. It’s already 2 am and I am still with my eyes opened. If there was a being, why does this being, being so inclined on bugging me? Not wanting me to have my rest?

I also started to realize that I had a weak mind. Often when I was alone, with no one around, in a confided space-- My fear emerges through the dark and portrays itself. All sorts of thoughts and images come to life. I knew that something had to be done. Nurul, told me that it was a symptom of disorder.

My imagination ran wild, especially when I was trying to run away from something. I’d picture a huge plane crashing on a nearby hill. And that I would run towards it and everyone else just didn’t exist. It was just the plane and I. As I ran towards it, the door opens up and a few stewardesses came out and take my hand. They lead me to the plane with giggles and we enjoy eating the snacks from the plane. All my troubles were forgotten. I was a late bloomer by the way.

I wanted everything I did and do had a meaning and a significant value to it. Ironically most things I did and do proved the opposite. I wanted to find answers but I am stuck without a single resolve. Are my problems permanent and insoluble?

Nowadays when I hear the roaring engine of a plane, I look up at dark sky and look at the blinking lights. I am still amazed, so far away, so high up, always with a destination and a goal, so purposeful and respectable.

Sometimes I wish that a man’s purpose would be as simple as machines.

3 comments:

mohad said...

citer apa tu...

Vagabond said...

Ntah, aku pon tatau..

Anonymous said...

Well said.