Ez

 

Does this mean that I am once again in the gutter? At the start of a sad song, I am standing and staring at the door of a great despair and as gravity pulls my wits and twists on this sanity, alas! Unfortunate for you, I’ve been here one too many times, my legs have found it’s place and has buried itself into the grounds. Despite, despair inviting, I refuse to let you interrupt my suffering.

Abandoned, left, forsaken, ditched, discarded, chosen over, preferred by, left for another, thrown away like none of it ever mattered, even after I said I wouldn’t falter, ignored, as if you could tell the future—that is, as if... this is who I am in this world, a person who’s inadequate, perhaps uneducated from your family’s point of view. A temporary filler, a time waster, a stepping stone, an interesting thing that became boring, something that is used and then thrown. 

Replaceable at the thought of an obligatory life, where one would have to lead; in your eyes I am un-befitting to bear the burden of filiality, and I am not from money and if you deny it, I will tell you, for money or the ability to make it always unifies matrimony.

At the thought of a better life, you believed someone else would better fit the, ‘family picture’. You came with loving eyes yet lacked the belief and at the juncture, picked another.

Therefore, I would agree with your tinker-tanker, as I too cannot tell the future and could not promise you a happiness that would re-assure your wellbeing and your children’s future.

I will not interfere, for I too am sure of my incompetence and unlike your virtuoso, I adhere to your theatre.

Ah! a romantic, I’ve been wanting someone who would accept any future as long as we were together and wished the best for each other; you however, left at the first sign of pressure, "this is a revelation"; I say to myself yet I despair at the reality of not being able to set eyes on you, to witness your eyes staring at mine, and as you smiled, I figured, that it was perhaps a telltale of joyousness?

Fallen, my heart aching, the acid reflux burning my chest, my legs bitten by vampiric mosquitoes, the breeze from my fan insufficient, I feel the heat of inadequacy, enveloping my weakening and frail existence.

Despite all this and considering how I’ve been twisting and turning; wouldn’t it be a party if everyone discovered the secrets of their elixir and get to befriend their inner self? For there is fulfillment in wisdom, and I wish for myself the same, yet, here I am unable to conquer this world or the hereafter or my own significance.  

And for what it’s worth, I wish you such a happiness, that everyone would be jealous of. As such, I am at your expense.

New To The World

 

I can’t help but think I am new to this world, you know…despite my age. What happened yesterday really left me feeling bewildered and disappointed in myself.

A couple of days ago, on Saturday to be exact, I had my vaccination and later that day the numbing pain in my arm started to present itself. On Sunday I felt the numbing pain getting more painful and intense and a slight fever ensued and for some reason almost resulted into a panic attack.

Fast forward to Monday morning when I was feeling better an old acquaintance from the surau, messaged me around 8 in the morning. He should be at least 65 years of age and is a millionaire, I am pretty sure.

Anyways, since I resigned from my present job, I asked him if he had any openings. I had asked him some years back too but as usual it went ignored. He owns a company which is pretty successful.

Most of my rich, successful acquaintances, when asked for help with a job either ignored me or just gave some sort of lips service. This I learned from years of experience though at times I can be too much of an optimist.

It is true the saying, ‘laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.’

Back to the old man, he asked if I was free and if I could accompany him to his office. His exact words were, “hari ni saya nak pergi ofis u nak ikut just see what u can do”.  Pleasantly surprised I of course said yes. I thought that maybe my prayers were answered.

He picked me up at home and we were on our way. As soon as we reached the office, which was also his warehouse, he said that he had to drop some goods off. I didn’t give it much thought, I even helped in carrying some of the boxes out of the car.

Once we were done, we went up to his office and he asked me to check his PC, I did the basic clean-up, and the performance of the machine seemed better than it was before.

He then asked me if I could check some of the other machines in his office, I said yes. During that time, a 14-foot lorry arrived in front of his office with 8 huge pallets of energy drinks. Each pallet contained 100+ cartons of energy drinks.

For some reason, whilst I was about to check on the PC’s, he asked me to come down with him. I obliged. Once I was down, I saw only one guy loading off the drinks from the lorry whereas there were two others arranging the drinks in the warehouse. He added later that one of his staff was on leave.

I decided to help. I didn’t realize what I had gotten myself into. The weather was really hot and It was now 2 hours since I started lending a hand. It was physically draining, and I was worried about my arm. It was some months since I last exercised, so this was quite the ‘workout’.

I reached the office at 9.45 in the morning and left the office around 3 in the afternoon. Exactly when all the drinks were offloaded. I was paid with lunch.

As I reached home, I was already drained. I washed up and just feeling a little cheated, but I didn’t give much thought of it.

Today, I felt like this was all probably planned by the old man. I went there thinking that I was going to be interviewed but what I did was hard labour. It wasn’t just exhausting, but free of charge. When we talked, he kept speaking about his children and professing on how much he loved them but am I also not someone’s child?

Today, I couldn’t lift up my hands, my back hurts, my leg hurts, my prayers obviously weren’t answered, and I feel like I am really new to this world. I can see why millionaires are millionaires.

 

Immortality

Many of us claim we have a book we abide to. Though few know about the book we 'hold on' to.

 
Many of us proclaim a faith we belong to--yet our lifestyles are no different than the faithless.

We are aware that death lurks nearby but the thought of dying never pass us by. 

Alas! not until it's too late, 

we live hoping we never age and never die.

Yet we dread looking at the mirror, fearing the skin we shed.

Bett

 

Why do I live in fear? Some would say it is because I chose this path…I agree that this is a choice but it’s funny how some choices are so limited that it’s like choosing either death or being on the brink of death.

I envy those who were born on pedestals and then as they grow up act as if their success were solely due to their effort.

It is not attractive to keep whining and complaining but let me be… I chose to write so that all my thoughts are thrown out and perhaps by doing so, I feel better.

Pure

Recently I went to a beautiful place; the architectural aspects of the building were unique and it felt comfortable inside, it was surrounded by thick lavish mountains… the air was pure due to the mountains and the many trees of green standing tall against the wind.

The inhabitants of the place wore pure white robes with matching white fez’s, the scholars were busy teaching and the students studying, yet while all were clean and pure. They were human beings hence they must’ve sinned? 

While all might appear clean and pure, being human beings the hearts remain a mysterious thing, deserving of distrust. 

As for the sceptic, he refuses to embrace what lies in front of him but he ends up doubting people’s intent—since he is impure, he thinks others too can’t be as clean? He wrote all this in the library provided for him after eating the food served to him.

2021

 

Each day I wake up feeling tired and forsaken; though at the back of my mind, I feel like I live for the sake of those who was once forsook by their own brethren, I feel like it is now my responsibility to make their lives better…even if it means mine  getting worse.

What is it anyway in the life of the selfish? He only thinks of himself and no other.

As soon as my eyes are opened, I wish it was closed and perhaps lost in another dimension. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but all I see in myself is inadequacy. I feel like I could’ve became a better human being if I wasn’t cursed with such wretched circumstances…limiting my abilities, here I am born and bred poor, cursed by my own kin and looked at as a lesser human, maybe not even human. Never able to blend or assimilate into the ever-judging shallowness that is society.

What a memorable childhood! Till this day it haunts me, as I was moulded by pain and suffering—all that lingers in me is fear and fear of failing. If a vase was moulded by clay, I was moulded by different kind of pain and abuse. As such I walk the earth continuously flailing. Though, I should still be proud for being able to keep walking.

I am now an adult, a human being—I wish for many things and at times societal interaction, yet I know to stay away from humans as they are always selfish and sooner or later an obvious nuisance.

I for a long time knew why I disliked or hated people, the answer was simple, I hated myself. I try to be optimistic each day that the world is just a passing, and everything too shall pass such is the nature of the world.

Though all that I am living is the live of a slave, a slave that kills himself each day to earn a living.

As my hair greys and I continue to catch my breath for every single moment feels like I am about to drown and for all eternity just struggle to gasp for some air and flail my hands violently while doing so…yet neither fully drowning or ever find a way to keep swimming.

My health deteriorating, my face wrinkling, the people I love ageing and above all—I live with the continuous fear of living…and what other pain and suffering it could yet still bring.