2021

 

Each day I wake up feeling tired and forsaken; though at the back of my mind, I feel like I live for the sake of those who was once forsook by their own brethren, I feel like it is now my responsibility to make their lives better…even if it means mine  getting worse.

What is it anyway in the life of the selfish? He only thinks of himself and no other.

As soon as my eyes are opened, I wish it was closed and perhaps lost in another dimension. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but all I see in myself is inadequacy. I feel like I could’ve became a better human being if I wasn’t cursed with such wretched circumstances…limiting my abilities, here I am born and bred poor, cursed by my own kin and looked at as a lesser human, maybe not even human. Never able to blend or assimilate into the ever-judging shallowness that is society.

What a memorable childhood! Till this day it haunts me, as I was moulded by pain and suffering—all that lingers in me is fear and fear of failing. If a vase was moulded by clay, I was moulded by different kind of pain and abuse. As such I walk the earth continuously flailing. Though, I should still be proud for being able to keep walking.

I am now an adult, a human being—I wish for many things and at times societal interaction, yet I know to stay away from humans as they are always selfish and sooner or later an obvious nuisance.

I for a long time knew why I disliked or hated people, the answer was simple, I hated myself. I try to be optimistic each day that the world is just a passing, and everything too shall pass such is the nature of the world.

Though all that I am living is the live of a slave, a slave that kills himself each day to earn a living.

As my hair greys and I continue to catch my breath for every single moment feels like I am about to drown and for all eternity just struggle to gasp for some air and flail my hands violently while doing so…yet neither fully drowning or ever find a way to keep swimming.

My health deteriorating, my face wrinkling, the people I love ageing and above all—I live with the continuous fear of living…and what other pain and suffering it could yet still bring.