Beautiful Life

 

Beauty; it’s something I am hoping I become more not so much physically but yes beautiful indeed is the aspiration. Beautifully intelligent and witty, sharp and a problem solver of one and many. Now that I am growing in age, I feel the want to be more fit and beautiful, for my self-satisfaction of course and then to be someone who is accomplished and deemed fit for my age. As such the age can be justified and be seen as a  beautiful human being indeed.

Such is the dream, such is his fear that in order to face reality, certain aspirations is conspired to face the truth for the weak of mind; of course due to not being as successful as his peers or relatives.

Afraid of diseases yet too heavy to keep active, burdened by rude thoughts that brings him down. I don’t see anything wrong with someone wanting to better himself…despite not doing much about it, “Too tired”, he says.

If anything, I have been writing for this many years albeit not as often. This is in itself is consistency. Writing to me had help me in pouring my thoughts and despite no one reading these pieces of my mind/mine. I write to dissect and just express the beautiful loneliness of my being.

I am more than an adult now; I keep to myself and more or less have no friend/s that I go out with. Maybe once a couple of months of which I am grateful for. I suppose all those years of yearning to be accepted and recognized and having friends, I am more comfortable being alone. If only I did more progressive things like jogging etc. Instead, I sit in front of the PC for hours and grunt when I gain weight.

Due to me, ‘keeping it real’ and this pseudo bravery, I kept resigning from my jobs. I felt like I was wronged and that the management wasn’t being fair. How ignorant and spoiled had I been expecting fairness from corrupt entities/humans. At that time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I was jobless for 3 months and enjoyed every single day. The reality of not having to deal with people and meet them was something I got used to in no time. It was comfort!

Alas! I was running out of money. I attended numerous interviews and finally landed a decent job. However, unlike my previous jobs that were 10 minutes away, this one was an hour away and it stressed me out. I keep telling myself that, as an adult I need this job to live and survive or to survive and the live...life.

How wretched! Each weekday, 12 hours is spent for work, the commute etc. I am grateful that I have found a means of living though that also meant slaving myself for a corporation 5 days or sometimes 6 days a week and here I am an adult…well I look around me and see almost everyone doing the same. Sad.

I am not sure of myself when I think of people who are trapped and too tired to think of the prospective meanings of life apart from buying and then paying off debts. Though, can't do much, I suppose.  we are literally chained both mentally and physically whether you notice it or not, whether you'd like to admit or not. The society we are in is orchestrated in such a way and people don't even question the road paved to them. Possible due to everyone doing and leading the same sheep-like life.

Ramadan is ending and my deeds are no where near enough. I feel like I am tired and lost but doing what I can, I think.

If anything, I am very certain of how weak and how anything good or circumstantial can happen at anytime and we are all merely human beings who are left with no choice but on how to react to a certain thing/s when it occurs. I laugh at my weaknesses and fears, I meant cry.

 The people that Ive met and got to know, I wonder how they’re living their lives. Are they merely hedonists that only chase some kind of superficial satisfaction though if they’re happy leading sucha lifestle, I suppose that is something? I wonder, if they feel sad and are confused or worse empty inside and even worse just going with the flow.

I wonder when people pray everyday without fail, do that become humbler and attain wisdom or attain wisdom and become humbler?

Why are people so shallow? I am not sure who is more cursed. Someone who thinks others are shallow but is as shallow or someone who is shallow and not realizing it?

I wonder if the knowledge, understanding and wisdom I have attained as long as I have lived and endured amount to anything?

I am not self-sufficient; I am always dependent on something. I suppose no one is human is independent enough. Though, what does it amount to? What does my limited intelligence mean when I am always at risk of anything/something? I am, if anything weak and dependent. My body frail and I get dizzy easily. I wonder why and where my pride comes in? Now that i think about it is just repressed anger that is aware of the alarming weakness but has no means of addressing the problem with a solution, as a result, akin to a pressure cooker, when the food inside is cooked enough, the head blows of. 

The thought of death has been haunting me since I was 7 or 8 years old. I used to have panic attacks even as a kid from being so afraid of death of the people closest to me. Am I prepared for it? Of course not! 

Living in this world has made me a coward and seeing how corrupt, unjust and vile things are, I feel like if I could be alone with the people I am close with in a secluded haven far from this so-called, 'modern civilization', I would be less stressed.

I used to ask people and even strangers I met on what the purpose of life is and what it meant to them, although disappointed in most of their answers, I am not too sure if I in my petty & miniscule wisdom, I understand anything of the similarities and differences of peoples’ mind. 

We are told that life is a test and that after that, you will be questioned and your deeds weighed and your eternal fate is then determined.

Not knowing what might happen the next minute and the mysteries of life yet dying without decrypting that mystery would be…what? I might’ve contradicted myself with the previous paragraph. Anyways, here I am and this is the state I am in. If anything, I am consistently engulfed in this state. I am glad I decided to write. Till next time.

 Let's keep beautifying ourselves inside and outside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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