Too Little Too Much

 Bored in the train, a million thoughts shoving me in the drain,

A routine journey to earn money, coming back from work feeling all sorts of lethargic,

Bored in the train, they don’t shower in the morning, yet they look at me condescendingly,

Going back to work, hoping everything would go accordingly,

I said to myself,

do not think of the reality but think of the possibilities,

All in all, you’re healthy and for what it’s worth you ain’t jobless and a parasite,

This acceptance feels almost forced but almost always leaves me disgraced,

I think about myself and it’s all I disdain,

Strong, smart, rich, fit, white, handsome, big houses, big cars and a big position.

All that society loves, accepts and respects.

All that I am not...

All in all, some are condemned to be poor small men?

It pains me to think of all the things I could’ve given my mom

We are growing old together and I have to live knowing how little I am & what little I have

I better stop,

I don’t want to sound ungrateful

Despite of how little I am

Aware that I can lose even more than what little I already have.

 

I am not

 

I am not a loser,

I am not a loser; I say to myself.

I am afraid of time,

I am afraid of many things,

I am more aware of my weaknesess,

What am i?

I am not a loser,

I am not a loser,

But when I look at myself,

I am a doubter.

 

 

The Return

 Well-well here I am again. It's been a while...

That’s something I say quite often now.

 I am just as depressed, no, I am not on pills…

I guess I am not as depressed.

 

Though, when I self-reflect,

I mainly want some self-respect,

Heh, but I am unaccomplished,

If people were to know how little I have accomplished,

Let’s just say, it would change the way they look at me.

That scares me…

I remember those judging eyes,

Where people look at you like Najis,

It’s been so long but I can still see those eyes,

A little too vividly,

It scares me,

At home,

At school,

At college,

At work,

Yet here I am,

Acting all easy going for their eyes to see

Hiding my weakness

Deluding the self and others

But better than those eyes…

 

Though this and that, I am still surviving,

After all that, crying, weeping and being a sad sack,

I kept moving,

I have to…

 

Every time I look around me since I was a kid,

Everyone was above me,

All I wanted was to be respected,

To have some self-respect,

All I was a subject to be bullied,

A target.

 

So, I was a survivor,

I guess I am a survivor

And so, I stood up and spoke with my fists

Oftentimes spoke a little too big

Oftentimes I was able to deceive

Some really thought I was this tough guy

I knew who I was,

A nobody with low self-esteem.

 

Here I am, an adult,

As a kid I dreamed big,

That was all I had,

These days, I still dream,

Cause it was always impossible

No matter how long, how hard, how much I yearned,

It never came through,

Still at the bottom,

I suppose

I cant be arrogant,

For I am mediocre,

Yet I still dream, 

Some dreams though not as picturesque,

It takes me away from this...

That is enough,

I am afraid that I might sound ungrateful.