Too Little Too Much

 Bored in the train, a million thoughts shoving me in the drain,

A routine journey to earn money, coming back from work feeling all sorts of lethargic,

Bored in the train, they don’t shower in the morning, yet they look at me condescendingly,

Going back to work, hoping everything would go accordingly,

I said to myself,

do not think of the reality but think of the possibilities,

All in all, you’re healthy and for what it’s worth you ain’t jobless and a parasite,

This acceptance feels almost forced but almost always leaves me disgraced,

I think about myself and it’s all I disdain,

Strong, smart, rich, fit, white, handsome, big houses, big cars and a big position.

All that society loves, accepts and respects.

All that I am not...

All in all, some are condemned to be poor small men?

It pains me to think of all the things I could’ve given my mom

We are growing old together and I have to live knowing how little I am & what little I have

I better stop,

I don’t want to sound ungrateful

Despite of how little I am

Aware that I can lose even more than what little I already have.

 

I am not

 

I am not a loser,

I am not a loser; I say to myself.

I am afraid of time,

I am afraid of many things,

I am more aware of my weaknesess,

What am i?

I am not a loser,

I am not a loser,

But when I look at myself,

I am a doubter.

 

 

The Return

 Well-well here I am again. It's been a while...

That’s something I say quite often now.

 I am just as depressed, no, I am not on pills…

I guess I am not as depressed.

 

Though, when I self-reflect,

I mainly want some self-respect,

Heh, but I am unaccomplished,

If people were to know how little I have accomplished,

Let’s just say, it would change the way they look at me.

That scares me…

I remember those judging eyes,

Where people look at you like Najis,

It’s been so long but I can still see those eyes,

A little too vividly,

It scares me,

At home,

At school,

At college,

At work,

Yet here I am,

Acting all easy going for their eyes to see

Hiding my weakness

Deluding the self and others

But better than those eyes…

 

Though this and that, I am still surviving,

After all that, crying, weeping and being a sad sack,

I kept moving,

I have to…

 

Every time I look around me since I was a kid,

Everyone was above me,

All I wanted was to be respected,

To have some self-respect,

All I was a subject to be bullied,

A target.

 

So, I was a survivor,

I guess I am a survivor

And so, I stood up and spoke with my fists

Oftentimes spoke a little too big

Oftentimes I was able to deceive

Some really thought I was this tough guy

I knew who I was,

A nobody with low self-esteem.

 

Here I am, an adult,

As a kid I dreamed big,

That was all I had,

These days, I still dream,

Cause it was always impossible

No matter how long, how hard, how much I yearned,

It never came through,

Still at the bottom,

I suppose

I cant be arrogant,

For I am mediocre,

Yet I still dream, 

Some dreams though not as picturesque,

It takes me away from this...

That is enough,

I am afraid that I might sound ungrateful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re-editted

 This discomfort-ness is all I've been feeling, how long has this been a part of me?

 Why does it feel like it this torture has been going on for an eternity!?

 This whole being as if being perpetually cursed with pain in such a distinctive manner; 

enveloping me whole, as if reminding me on the purpose of my existence?

So I take a few long breathes, trying to balance out the darkness by gasping for light.

More and more uneasy; I feel the insides of my stomach churning with bleak memories and resentment…

even the insides of my body seem lethargic of he.

 On the outside, the heat gets overwhelming and the state of being feeling more and more depleted.

In a state of hopelessness and at the sign of losing his breath—he pours cold water unto his damaged soul, 

replenishing and watering the dying optimism,

and as he repeats this, darkness appeared to dissipate,

While buds of optimism grew and gave birth to clear sight once again. 

Momentarily, he is freed of the darkness

Until it comes again unannounced, haunting.

Beautiful Life

 

Beauty; it’s something I am hoping I become more not so much physically but yes beautiful indeed is the aspiration. Beautifully intelligent and witty, sharp and a problem solver of one and many. Now that I am growing in age, I feel the want to be more fit and beautiful, for my self-satisfaction of course and then to be someone who is accomplished and deemed fit for my age. As such the age can be justified and be seen as a  beautiful human being indeed.

Such is the dream, such is his fear that in order to face reality, certain aspirations is conspired to face the truth for the weak of mind; of course due to not being as successful as his peers or relatives.

Afraid of diseases yet too heavy to keep active, burdened by rude thoughts that brings him down. I don’t see anything wrong with someone wanting to better himself…despite not doing much about it, “Too tired”, he says.

If anything, I have been writing for this many years albeit not as often. This is in itself is consistency. Writing to me had help me in pouring my thoughts and despite no one reading these pieces of my mind/mine. I write to dissect and just express the beautiful loneliness of my being.

I am more than an adult now; I keep to myself and more or less have no friend/s that I go out with. Maybe once a couple of months of which I am grateful for. I suppose all those years of yearning to be accepted and recognized and having friends, I am more comfortable being alone. If only I did more progressive things like jogging etc. Instead, I sit in front of the PC for hours and grunt when I gain weight.

Due to me, ‘keeping it real’ and this pseudo bravery, I kept resigning from my jobs. I felt like I was wronged and that the management wasn’t being fair. How ignorant and spoiled had I been expecting fairness from corrupt entities/humans. At that time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I was jobless for 3 months and enjoyed every single day. The reality of not having to deal with people and meet them was something I got used to in no time. It was comfort!

Alas! I was running out of money. I attended numerous interviews and finally landed a decent job. However, unlike my previous jobs that were 10 minutes away, this one was an hour away and it stressed me out. I keep telling myself that, as an adult I need this job to live and survive or to survive and the live...life.

How wretched! Each weekday, 12 hours is spent for work, the commute etc. I am grateful that I have found a means of living though that also meant slaving myself for a corporation 5 days or sometimes 6 days a week and here I am an adult…well I look around me and see almost everyone doing the same. Sad.

I am not sure of myself when I think of people who are trapped and too tired to think of the prospective meanings of life apart from buying and then paying off debts. Though, can't do much, I suppose.  we are literally chained both mentally and physically whether you notice it or not, whether you'd like to admit or not. The society we are in is orchestrated in such a way and people don't even question the road paved to them. Possible due to everyone doing and leading the same sheep-like life.

Ramadan is ending and my deeds are no where near enough. I feel like I am tired and lost but doing what I can, I think.

If anything, I am very certain of how weak and how anything good or circumstantial can happen at anytime and we are all merely human beings who are left with no choice but on how to react to a certain thing/s when it occurs. I laugh at my weaknesses and fears, I meant cry.

 The people that Ive met and got to know, I wonder how they’re living their lives. Are they merely hedonists that only chase some kind of superficial satisfaction though if they’re happy leading sucha lifestle, I suppose that is something? I wonder, if they feel sad and are confused or worse empty inside and even worse just going with the flow.

I wonder when people pray everyday without fail, do that become humbler and attain wisdom or attain wisdom and become humbler?

Why are people so shallow? I am not sure who is more cursed. Someone who thinks others are shallow but is as shallow or someone who is shallow and not realizing it?

I wonder if the knowledge, understanding and wisdom I have attained as long as I have lived and endured amount to anything?

I am not self-sufficient; I am always dependent on something. I suppose no one is human is independent enough. Though, what does it amount to? What does my limited intelligence mean when I am always at risk of anything/something? I am, if anything weak and dependent. My body frail and I get dizzy easily. I wonder why and where my pride comes in? Now that i think about it is just repressed anger that is aware of the alarming weakness but has no means of addressing the problem with a solution, as a result, akin to a pressure cooker, when the food inside is cooked enough, the head blows of. 

The thought of death has been haunting me since I was 7 or 8 years old. I used to have panic attacks even as a kid from being so afraid of death of the people closest to me. Am I prepared for it? Of course not! 

Living in this world has made me a coward and seeing how corrupt, unjust and vile things are, I feel like if I could be alone with the people I am close with in a secluded haven far from this so-called, 'modern civilization', I would be less stressed.

I used to ask people and even strangers I met on what the purpose of life is and what it meant to them, although disappointed in most of their answers, I am not too sure if I in my petty & miniscule wisdom, I understand anything of the similarities and differences of peoples’ mind. 

We are told that life is a test and that after that, you will be questioned and your deeds weighed and your eternal fate is then determined.

Not knowing what might happen the next minute and the mysteries of life yet dying without decrypting that mystery would be…what? I might’ve contradicted myself with the previous paragraph. Anyways, here I am and this is the state I am in. If anything, I am consistently engulfed in this state. I am glad I decided to write. Till next time.

 Let's keep beautifying ourselves inside and outside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ez

 

Does this mean that I am once again in the gutter? At the start of a sad song, I am standing and staring at the door of a great despair and as gravity pulls my wits and twists on this sanity, alas! Unfortunate for you, I’ve been here one too many times, my legs have found it’s place and has buried itself into the grounds. Despite, despair inviting, I refuse to let you interrupt my suffering.

Abandoned, left, forsaken, ditched, discarded, chosen over, preferred by, left for another, thrown away like none of it ever mattered, even after I said I wouldn’t falter, ignored, as if you could tell the future—that is, as if... this is who I am in this world, a person who’s inadequate, perhaps uneducated from your family’s point of view. A temporary filler, a time waster, a stepping stone, an interesting thing that became boring, something that is used and then thrown. 

Replaceable at the thought of an obligatory life, where one would have to lead; in your eyes I am un-befitting to bear the burden of filiality, and I am not from money and if you deny it, I will tell you, for money or the ability to make it always unifies matrimony.

At the thought of a better life, you believed someone else would better fit the, ‘family picture’. You came with loving eyes yet lacked the belief and at the juncture, picked another.

Therefore, I would agree with your tinker-tanker, as I too cannot tell the future and could not promise you a happiness that would re-assure your wellbeing and your children’s future.

I will not interfere, for I too am sure of my incompetence and unlike your virtuoso, I adhere to your theatre.

Ah! a romantic, I’ve been wanting someone who would accept any future as long as we were together and wished the best for each other; you however, left at the first sign of pressure, "this is a revelation"; I say to myself yet I despair at the reality of not being able to set eyes on you, to witness your eyes staring at mine, and as you smiled, I figured, that it was perhaps a telltale of joyousness?

Fallen, my heart aching, the acid reflux burning my chest, my legs bitten by vampiric mosquitoes, the breeze from my fan insufficient, I feel the heat of inadequacy, enveloping my weakening and frail existence.

Despite all this and considering how I’ve been twisting and turning; wouldn’t it be a party if everyone discovered the secrets of their elixir and get to befriend their inner self? For there is fulfillment in wisdom, and I wish for myself the same, yet, here I am unable to conquer this world or the hereafter or my own significance.  

And for what it’s worth, I wish you such a happiness, that everyone would be jealous of. As such, I am at your expense.

New To The World

 

I can’t help but think I am new to this world, you know…despite my age. What happened yesterday really left me feeling bewildered and disappointed in myself.

A couple of days ago, on Saturday to be exact, I had my vaccination and later that day the numbing pain in my arm started to present itself. On Sunday I felt the numbing pain getting more painful and intense and a slight fever ensued and for some reason almost resulted into a panic attack.

Fast forward to Monday morning when I was feeling better an old acquaintance from the surau, messaged me around 8 in the morning. He should be at least 65 years of age and is a millionaire, I am pretty sure.

Anyways, since I resigned from my present job, I asked him if he had any openings. I had asked him some years back too but as usual it went ignored. He owns a company which is pretty successful.

Most of my rich, successful acquaintances, when asked for help with a job either ignored me or just gave some sort of lips service. This I learned from years of experience though at times I can be too much of an optimist.

It is true the saying, ‘laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.’

Back to the old man, he asked if I was free and if I could accompany him to his office. His exact words were, “hari ni saya nak pergi ofis u nak ikut just see what u can do”.  Pleasantly surprised I of course said yes. I thought that maybe my prayers were answered.

He picked me up at home and we were on our way. As soon as we reached the office, which was also his warehouse, he said that he had to drop some goods off. I didn’t give it much thought, I even helped in carrying some of the boxes out of the car.

Once we were done, we went up to his office and he asked me to check his PC, I did the basic clean-up, and the performance of the machine seemed better than it was before.

He then asked me if I could check some of the other machines in his office, I said yes. During that time, a 14-foot lorry arrived in front of his office with 8 huge pallets of energy drinks. Each pallet contained 100+ cartons of energy drinks.

For some reason, whilst I was about to check on the PC’s, he asked me to come down with him. I obliged. Once I was down, I saw only one guy loading off the drinks from the lorry whereas there were two others arranging the drinks in the warehouse. He added later that one of his staff was on leave.

I decided to help. I didn’t realize what I had gotten myself into. The weather was really hot and It was now 2 hours since I started lending a hand. It was physically draining, and I was worried about my arm. It was some months since I last exercised, so this was quite the ‘workout’.

I reached the office at 9.45 in the morning and left the office around 3 in the afternoon. Exactly when all the drinks were offloaded. I was paid with lunch.

As I reached home, I was already drained. I washed up and just feeling a little cheated, but I didn’t give much thought of it.

Today, I felt like this was all probably planned by the old man. I went there thinking that I was going to be interviewed but what I did was hard labour. It wasn’t just exhausting, but free of charge. When we talked, he kept speaking about his children and professing on how much he loved them but am I also not someone’s child?

Today, I couldn’t lift up my hands, my back hurts, my leg hurts, my prayers obviously weren’t answered, and I feel like I am really new to this world. I can see why millionaires are millionaires.

 

Immortality

Many of us claim we have a book we abide to. Though few know about the book we 'hold on' to.

 
Many of us proclaim a faith we belong to--yet our lifestyles are no different than the faithless.

We are aware that death lurks nearby but the thought of dying never pass us by. 

Alas! not until it's too late, 

we live hoping we never age and never die.

Yet we dread looking at the mirror, fearing the skin we shed.