Now -

I used to aspire to do big things, to change the environment, to make big changes and perhaps one day see the world smile. I used to brightly smile and was unaware of pain and sadness. I used to look at the world with wonderment and curiosity.

Though when I was thrown into the world, my innocence was ruptured and entered then a wave of, ‘reality’. All I remember now is the image of the smile and none of the joy.

While growing up I used to question my existence and why despite being outwardly same and despite growing up together, some are treated differently and that how one’s environment and family’s background can shape the future and the future of their offspring’s.

 I used to question my existence, now I start to wonder if the end of existence will end the pain?

 I used to wish and long for many things, now I wish for things to not get worse than it is.  

My earning for knowledge and wisdom…I had thought I had attained understanding or some standing. I used to hope, and I keep hoping—now all I do is constantly be in a state of anxiety; regardless of how hopeful, like everything else it goes bad and withers away. All my experiences instead of making me a person of stature, had made me a fearful person.

 People around me asking me to change and not just sit and do nothing. I try though due to the fruitlessness it appears as if no effort was put and regardless of the past, hope remains but true to my nature, gets stepped on.

The way of the world.

Everyone gets old and die, the cruel circumstances that befalls unto people. The people living in ignorance not knowing the lies and traps of the material world. Succumbing into a lifetime of chasing a happiness that is non-existent.

The eyes of the poor child and the graving mother, the pain and frailty shown in their eyes. It seems like all that is there to this world is pain, ignorance and pain waiting to happen.

They say to be mindful of your blessings though all that is left is a paranoid mind. I keep thinking on why this is all I think of, yet my friends tell me that I always look happy.

I hate to fret on the petty stuff, though now I fret on work and on how the money I earn is insufficient. I hate to worry about these things and it makes me unhappy realizing that these things have such a big effect on my being.

I fail to find a reason to respect the people around me, I hate dealing with people who are only capable of constituting happiness to things like cars, parties and adding wealth. All their thoughts and spoken words reflects on selfish indulgence and the fun it brings; Hedonists who don’t know the meaning of the word hedonist.

Though what am I and how am I better?

I used to aspire; that the world and its people would get better.

Famines, flood, war crimes, torture and killings and selfishness seem to be the only prevalent thing. I ask myself on how can I find ease when I see the pain reflected in people’s eyes? Even the fantasies I had from reading and watching cartoons fail to materialize in my mind.  

All I earn is a life devoid of pain, yet all around me are symbolism and imagery of pain or pain waiting to happen. When I see life, I see the eventual aging of a human being who awaits death.  

One might try to deny it, but it befalls everyone. Lives expire. We chase our dreams, forgetting about the expiry date pasted on our backs.

Hence I live in a state of fear, afraid of the inevitable.