When I was 16

 

 

I was called to the bilik guru and I can’t remember if I was told to sit or I just remained standing the whole time; the elderly teacher gazed at me and spoke to me almost whispering, asking me for something I wasn’t really anticipating—her line of questioning was unexpected.

I was still in a daze as to why I was called to the, “bilik guru”, in the first place—she wasn’t even my teacher or taught us any subjects.

The were only a couple of other teachers and they were minding their own business and now that I think about it, luckily no one saw me coming into the ‘bilik guru’ or noticed me whilst I was in there. I also forgot about the prefect who summoned me there. It was just me and her, I think having a dialogue, it was mostly her talking though.  

I was the guy who befriended almost everyone and especially the naughty kids, only difference is I don’t smoke, drink, take pills or do drugs while my so-called friends at that time did. Since we were all placed at the bottom classes, thanks to the education system almost condemning us to weak grades, bad influence and even worse character building.

I was bullied a lot before, from primary all the way to secondary, for years! And when I turned 15, I fought back for the first time and realized/discovered to bully is not to be bullied…and I was finally accepted and respected and that is how I started my reign in the secondary school for close to two years…only to realize later that I had more ppl hate me and only pretended to befriend me… but that is another story.

Well, it wasn’t easy keeping up with the character and despite the insecurities I tried to enjoy the shallow fame it brought. I had a gang and could walk with arrogance and it would appear normal.

I wasn’t brave or anything, it was all pretense.

Just last year I was still getting bullied and now I am almost the number one guy at school. Let’s go back a few months, the school itself were filled with so called gangsters from all three races and all of them were affiliated to gangs.

Though I myself created my own with just kids from my school, not even realizing how that happened.

Back to the bilik guru, the teacher started with an introduction and then with some advises etc, all I can remember was I was asked to list down names of students who took drugs/subtances. I am not sure if I told her or wrote her a list but there were more than twenty names. My intention wasn’t malice as I recalled, I guess my 16-year-old mind bought into her persuasion, “if you really care about your friends and their future you will do what is best…”

And just like that after a couple of weeks or so we had an impromptu urine check and all the names that were listed were called into a dedicated washroom.

As luck would prove itself, on that day, the discipline teacher who disliked me and identified me as a gangster came into our class, pointed at me and a friend of mine and personally directed us to do the urine test, though unexpected but reaffirming my status as one of the bad kids and most importantly removed me as a suspect.

Maybe twenty or thirty of us were put to the test and those tested positive were immediately thrown out of school and despite some of them got lucky…the ones who expelled were the real “naughty” ones, you know the ones with gangs.

Immediately after that, they knew there was a snitch because the names called were too detailed/precise, the teacher wasn’t smart enough to include more names to make it seem like the names were picked randomly.

Thanks to the discipline teacher and how he called me out in front of the class, I didn’t seem suspicious and I too went on with the act on who could be the snitch.

The school, however seemed more peaceful now that a huge number of naughty kids were expelled as there were lesser gang related fights.

On another note, I had to see these friends or what’s left of them every day during school and after school while carrying a heavy secret, knowing that I was the one who snitched on them and at that time stabbing was quite rampant amongst the subang boys.

This went on till we were in uni and the naughty guys were even naughtier but luckily, I didn’t have to see them every day.

To date, only my best friend from high school knows about this and that too I only told him when were in uni. Here I am writing about it still not knowing how to feel about this. I suppose, I should consider myself lucky.

 

 

 

Falter After

 The day comes again

The same person writes again

A year older none the more wiser

who knew I would still be as or more depressed at this ripe juncture

I look at the man in the mirror and falter 

I try and I have been trying to better

never thriving always at the back looking at others thriving

In constant fear while the rest cheer

Here again shy, shameful and holding back tears

Writing to express what's within, 

Cause there is no one to hear

Liked by most but nobody loved him more

Though no matter at what juncture

Regardless of all the fear

And all the defeat and ages of sad, fatigue and beneath

There is no other choice but to keep hope alive

For what else does he have if even his hope is gone?

If not for himself then for those he cares

Struggling, striving and never conniving

Maybe tiny in society

And looked down by the entirety 

Despite the disrespect

Hope and faith will keep him straight.

Too Little Too Much

 Bored in the train, a million thoughts shoving me in the drain,

A routine journey to earn money, coming back from work feeling all sorts of lethargic,

Bored in the train, they don’t shower in the morning, yet they look at me condescendingly,

Going back to work, hoping everything would go accordingly,

I said to myself,

do not think of the reality but think of the possibilities,

All in all, you’re healthy and for what it’s worth you ain’t jobless and a parasite,

This acceptance feels almost forced but almost always leaves me disgraced,

I think about myself and it’s all I disdain,

Strong, smart, rich, fit, white, handsome, big houses, big cars and a big position.

All that society loves, accepts and respects.

All that I am not...

All in all, some are condemned to be poor small men?

It pains me to think of all the things I could’ve given my mom

We are growing old together and I have to live knowing how little I am & what little I have

I better stop,

I don’t want to sound ungrateful

Despite of how little I am

Aware that I can lose even more than what little I already have.

 

I am not

 

I am not a loser,

I am not a loser; I say to myself.

I am afraid of time,

I am afraid of many things,

I am more aware of my weaknesess,

What am i?

I am not a loser,

I am not a loser,

But when I look at myself,

I am a doubter.

 

 

The Return

 Well-well here I am again. It's been a while...

That’s something I say quite often now.

 I am just as depressed, no, I am not on pills…

I guess I am not as depressed.

 

Though, when I self-reflect,

I mainly want some self-respect,

Heh, but I am unaccomplished,

If people were to know how little I have accomplished,

Let’s just say, it would change the way they look at me.

That scares me…

I remember those judging eyes,

Where people look at you like Najis,

It’s been so long but I can still see those eyes,

A little too vividly,

It scares me,

At home,

At school,

At college,

At work,

Yet here I am,

Acting all easy going for their eyes to see

Hiding my weakness

Deluding the self and others

But better than those eyes…

 

Though this and that, I am still surviving,

After all that, crying, weeping and being a sad sack,

I kept moving,

I have to…

 

Every time I look around me since I was a kid,

Everyone was above me,

All I wanted was to be respected,

To have some self-respect,

All I was a subject to be bullied,

A target.

 

So, I was a survivor,

I guess I am a survivor

And so, I stood up and spoke with my fists

Oftentimes spoke a little too big

Oftentimes I was able to deceive

Some really thought I was this tough guy

I knew who I was,

A nobody with low self-esteem.

 

Here I am, an adult,

As a kid I dreamed big,

That was all I had,

These days, I still dream,

Cause it was always impossible

No matter how long, how hard, how much I yearned,

It never came through,

Still at the bottom,

I suppose

I cant be arrogant,

For I am mediocre,

Yet I still dream, 

Some dreams though not as picturesque,

It takes me away from this...

That is enough,

I am afraid that I might sound ungrateful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re-editted

 This discomfort-ness is all I've been feeling, how long has this been a part of me?

 Why does it feel like it this torture has been going on for an eternity!?

 This whole being as if being perpetually cursed with pain in such a distinctive manner; 

enveloping me whole, as if reminding me on the purpose of my existence?

So I take a few long breathes, trying to balance out the darkness by gasping for light.

More and more uneasy; I feel the insides of my stomach churning with bleak memories and resentment…

even the insides of my body seem lethargic of he.

 On the outside, the heat gets overwhelming and the state of being feeling more and more depleted.

In a state of hopelessness and at the sign of losing his breath—he pours cold water unto his damaged soul, 

replenishing and watering the dying optimism,

and as he repeats this, darkness appeared to dissipate,

While buds of optimism grew and gave birth to clear sight once again. 

Momentarily, he is freed of the darkness

Until it comes again unannounced, haunting.

Beautiful Life

 

Beauty; it’s something I am hoping I become more not so much physically but yes beautiful indeed is the aspiration. Beautifully intelligent and witty, sharp and a problem solver of one and many. Now that I am growing in age, I feel the want to be more fit and beautiful, for my self-satisfaction of course and then to be someone who is accomplished and deemed fit for my age. As such the age can be justified and be seen as a  beautiful human being indeed.

Such is the dream, such is his fear that in order to face reality, certain aspirations is conspired to face the truth for the weak of mind; of course due to not being as successful as his peers or relatives.

Afraid of diseases yet too heavy to keep active, burdened by rude thoughts that brings him down. I don’t see anything wrong with someone wanting to better himself…despite not doing much about it, “Too tired”, he says.

If anything, I have been writing for this many years albeit not as often. This is in itself is consistency. Writing to me had help me in pouring my thoughts and despite no one reading these pieces of my mind/mine. I write to dissect and just express the beautiful loneliness of my being.

I am more than an adult now; I keep to myself and more or less have no friend/s that I go out with. Maybe once a couple of months of which I am grateful for. I suppose all those years of yearning to be accepted and recognized and having friends, I am more comfortable being alone. If only I did more progressive things like jogging etc. Instead, I sit in front of the PC for hours and grunt when I gain weight.

Due to me, ‘keeping it real’ and this pseudo bravery, I kept resigning from my jobs. I felt like I was wronged and that the management wasn’t being fair. How ignorant and spoiled had I been expecting fairness from corrupt entities/humans. At that time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I was jobless for 3 months and enjoyed every single day. The reality of not having to deal with people and meet them was something I got used to in no time. It was comfort!

Alas! I was running out of money. I attended numerous interviews and finally landed a decent job. However, unlike my previous jobs that were 10 minutes away, this one was an hour away and it stressed me out. I keep telling myself that, as an adult I need this job to live and survive or to survive and the live...life.

How wretched! Each weekday, 12 hours is spent for work, the commute etc. I am grateful that I have found a means of living though that also meant slaving myself for a corporation 5 days or sometimes 6 days a week and here I am an adult…well I look around me and see almost everyone doing the same. Sad.

I am not sure of myself when I think of people who are trapped and too tired to think of the prospective meanings of life apart from buying and then paying off debts. Though, can't do much, I suppose.  we are literally chained both mentally and physically whether you notice it or not, whether you'd like to admit or not. The society we are in is orchestrated in such a way and people don't even question the road paved to them. Possible due to everyone doing and leading the same sheep-like life.

Ramadan is ending and my deeds are no where near enough. I feel like I am tired and lost but doing what I can, I think.

If anything, I am very certain of how weak and how anything good or circumstantial can happen at anytime and we are all merely human beings who are left with no choice but on how to react to a certain thing/s when it occurs. I laugh at my weaknesses and fears, I meant cry.

 The people that Ive met and got to know, I wonder how they’re living their lives. Are they merely hedonists that only chase some kind of superficial satisfaction though if they’re happy leading sucha lifestle, I suppose that is something? I wonder, if they feel sad and are confused or worse empty inside and even worse just going with the flow.

I wonder when people pray everyday without fail, do that become humbler and attain wisdom or attain wisdom and become humbler?

Why are people so shallow? I am not sure who is more cursed. Someone who thinks others are shallow but is as shallow or someone who is shallow and not realizing it?

I wonder if the knowledge, understanding and wisdom I have attained as long as I have lived and endured amount to anything?

I am not self-sufficient; I am always dependent on something. I suppose no one is human is independent enough. Though, what does it amount to? What does my limited intelligence mean when I am always at risk of anything/something? I am, if anything weak and dependent. My body frail and I get dizzy easily. I wonder why and where my pride comes in? Now that i think about it is just repressed anger that is aware of the alarming weakness but has no means of addressing the problem with a solution, as a result, akin to a pressure cooker, when the food inside is cooked enough, the head blows of. 

The thought of death has been haunting me since I was 7 or 8 years old. I used to have panic attacks even as a kid from being so afraid of death of the people closest to me. Am I prepared for it? Of course not! 

Living in this world has made me a coward and seeing how corrupt, unjust and vile things are, I feel like if I could be alone with the people I am close with in a secluded haven far from this so-called, 'modern civilization', I would be less stressed.

I used to ask people and even strangers I met on what the purpose of life is and what it meant to them, although disappointed in most of their answers, I am not too sure if I in my petty & miniscule wisdom, I understand anything of the similarities and differences of peoples’ mind. 

We are told that life is a test and that after that, you will be questioned and your deeds weighed and your eternal fate is then determined.

Not knowing what might happen the next minute and the mysteries of life yet dying without decrypting that mystery would be…what? I might’ve contradicted myself with the previous paragraph. Anyways, here I am and this is the state I am in. If anything, I am consistently engulfed in this state. I am glad I decided to write. Till next time.

 Let's keep beautifying ourselves inside and outside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ez

 

Does this mean that I am once again in the gutter? At the start of a sad song, I am standing and staring at the door of a great despair and as gravity pulls my wits and twists on this sanity, alas! Unfortunate for you, I’ve been here one too many times, my legs have found it’s place and has buried itself into the grounds. Despite, despair inviting, I refuse to let you interrupt my suffering.

Abandoned, left, forsaken, ditched, discarded, chosen over, preferred by, left for another, thrown away like none of it ever mattered, even after I said I wouldn’t falter, ignored, as if you could tell the future—that is, as if... this is who I am in this world, a person who’s inadequate, perhaps uneducated from your family’s point of view. A temporary filler, a time waster, a stepping stone, an interesting thing that became boring, something that is used and then thrown. 

Replaceable at the thought of an obligatory life, where one would have to lead; in your eyes I am un-befitting to bear the burden of filiality, and I am not from money and if you deny it, I will tell you, for money or the ability to make it always unifies matrimony.

At the thought of a better life, you believed someone else would better fit the, ‘family picture’. You came with loving eyes yet lacked the belief and at the juncture, picked another.

Therefore, I would agree with your tinker-tanker, as I too cannot tell the future and could not promise you a happiness that would re-assure your wellbeing and your children’s future.

I will not interfere, for I too am sure of my incompetence and unlike your virtuoso, I adhere to your theatre.

Ah! a romantic, I’ve been wanting someone who would accept any future as long as we were together and wished the best for each other; you however, left at the first sign of pressure, "this is a revelation"; I say to myself yet I despair at the reality of not being able to set eyes on you, to witness your eyes staring at mine, and as you smiled, I figured, that it was perhaps a telltale of joyousness?

Fallen, my heart aching, the acid reflux burning my chest, my legs bitten by vampiric mosquitoes, the breeze from my fan insufficient, I feel the heat of inadequacy, enveloping my weakening and frail existence.

Despite all this and considering how I’ve been twisting and turning; wouldn’t it be a party if everyone discovered the secrets of their elixir and get to befriend their inner self? For there is fulfillment in wisdom, and I wish for myself the same, yet, here I am unable to conquer this world or the hereafter or my own significance.  

And for what it’s worth, I wish you such a happiness, that everyone would be jealous of. As such, I am at your expense.

New To The World

 

I can’t help but think I am new to this world, you know…despite my age. What happened yesterday really left me feeling bewildered and disappointed in myself.

A couple of days ago, on Saturday to be exact, I had my vaccination and later that day the numbing pain in my arm started to present itself. On Sunday I felt the numbing pain getting more painful and intense and a slight fever ensued and for some reason almost resulted into a panic attack.

Fast forward to Monday morning when I was feeling better an old acquaintance from the surau, messaged me around 8 in the morning. He should be at least 65 years of age and is a millionaire, I am pretty sure.

Anyways, since I resigned from my present job, I asked him if he had any openings. I had asked him some years back too but as usual it went ignored. He owns a company which is pretty successful.

Most of my rich, successful acquaintances, when asked for help with a job either ignored me or just gave some sort of lips service. This I learned from years of experience though at times I can be too much of an optimist.

It is true the saying, ‘laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.’

Back to the old man, he asked if I was free and if I could accompany him to his office. His exact words were, “hari ni saya nak pergi ofis u nak ikut just see what u can do”.  Pleasantly surprised I of course said yes. I thought that maybe my prayers were answered.

He picked me up at home and we were on our way. As soon as we reached the office, which was also his warehouse, he said that he had to drop some goods off. I didn’t give it much thought, I even helped in carrying some of the boxes out of the car.

Once we were done, we went up to his office and he asked me to check his PC, I did the basic clean-up, and the performance of the machine seemed better than it was before.

He then asked me if I could check some of the other machines in his office, I said yes. During that time, a 14-foot lorry arrived in front of his office with 8 huge pallets of energy drinks. Each pallet contained 100+ cartons of energy drinks.

For some reason, whilst I was about to check on the PC’s, he asked me to come down with him. I obliged. Once I was down, I saw only one guy loading off the drinks from the lorry whereas there were two others arranging the drinks in the warehouse. He added later that one of his staff was on leave.

I decided to help. I didn’t realize what I had gotten myself into. The weather was really hot and It was now 2 hours since I started lending a hand. It was physically draining, and I was worried about my arm. It was some months since I last exercised, so this was quite the ‘workout’.

I reached the office at 9.45 in the morning and left the office around 3 in the afternoon. Exactly when all the drinks were offloaded. I was paid with lunch.

As I reached home, I was already drained. I washed up and just feeling a little cheated, but I didn’t give much thought of it.

Today, I felt like this was all probably planned by the old man. I went there thinking that I was going to be interviewed but what I did was hard labour. It wasn’t just exhausting, but free of charge. When we talked, he kept speaking about his children and professing on how much he loved them but am I also not someone’s child?

Today, I couldn’t lift up my hands, my back hurts, my leg hurts, my prayers obviously weren’t answered, and I feel like I am really new to this world. I can see why millionaires are millionaires.

 

Immortality

Many of us claim we have a book we abide to. Though few know about the book we 'hold on' to.

 
Many of us proclaim a faith we belong to--yet our lifestyles are no different than the faithless.

We are aware that death lurks nearby but the thought of dying never pass us by. 

Alas! not until it's too late, 

we live hoping we never age and never die.

Yet we dread looking at the mirror, fearing the skin we shed.

Bett

 

Why do I live in fear? Some would say it is because I chose this path…I agree that this is a choice but it’s funny how some choices are so limited that it’s like choosing either death or being on the brink of death.

I envy those who were born on pedestals and then as they grow up act as if their success were solely due to their effort.

It is not attractive to keep whining and complaining but let me be… I chose to write so that all my thoughts are thrown out and perhaps by doing so, I feel better.

Pure

Recently I went to a beautiful place; the architectural aspects of the building were unique and it felt comfortable inside, it was surrounded by thick lavish mountains… the air was pure due to the mountains and the many trees of green standing tall against the wind.

The inhabitants of the place wore pure white robes with matching white fez’s, the scholars were busy teaching and the students studying, yet while all were clean and pure. They were human beings hence they must’ve sinned? 

While all might appear clean and pure, being human beings the hearts remain a mysterious thing, deserving of distrust. 

As for the sceptic, he refuses to embrace what lies in front of him but he ends up doubting people’s intent—since he is impure, he thinks others too can’t be as clean? He wrote all this in the library provided for him after eating the food served to him.

2021

 

Each day I wake up feeling tired and forsaken; though at the back of my mind, I feel like I live for the sake of those who was once forsook by their own brethren, I feel like it is now my responsibility to make their lives better…even if it means mine  getting worse.

What is it anyway in the life of the selfish? He only thinks of himself and no other.

As soon as my eyes are opened, I wish it was closed and perhaps lost in another dimension. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but all I see in myself is inadequacy. I feel like I could’ve became a better human being if I wasn’t cursed with such wretched circumstances…limiting my abilities, here I am born and bred poor, cursed by my own kin and looked at as a lesser human, maybe not even human. Never able to blend or assimilate into the ever-judging shallowness that is society.

What a memorable childhood! Till this day it haunts me, as I was moulded by pain and suffering—all that lingers in me is fear and fear of failing. If a vase was moulded by clay, I was moulded by different kind of pain and abuse. As such I walk the earth continuously flailing. Though, I should still be proud for being able to keep walking.

I am now an adult, a human being—I wish for many things and at times societal interaction, yet I know to stay away from humans as they are always selfish and sooner or later an obvious nuisance.

I for a long time knew why I disliked or hated people, the answer was simple, I hated myself. I try to be optimistic each day that the world is just a passing, and everything too shall pass such is the nature of the world.

Though all that I am living is the live of a slave, a slave that kills himself each day to earn a living.

As my hair greys and I continue to catch my breath for every single moment feels like I am about to drown and for all eternity just struggle to gasp for some air and flail my hands violently while doing so…yet neither fully drowning or ever find a way to keep swimming.

My health deteriorating, my face wrinkling, the people I love ageing and above all—I live with the continuous fear of living…and what other pain and suffering it could yet still bring.

So it is..

 

How convenient, I write—after so long, when feeling distraught…when the same pain, the ongoing feeling of worthlessness; what is this existence but a painful remembrance. No! you ought to be grateful I say…

It’s not even the whispering, these thoughts…try as I might, these invading storms terrorising my recluse. I lay, still and unmoved yet inside my head—madness. Invoking discomfort, taking what little peace I still have. Again, I lay motionless unable to sleep it off. I stay awake the whole night but no longer in a panic state—just a reminiscence of the older self, the familiar feelings of weakness and frailty. I see sleep as my only escape and…that I am deprived of.

However, coming to terms to my being, being a mature and experienced being, lucky I am—to not be a total wreck. A wreck, but not in totality and the storms presents itself only when the tide is high with unruliness.  

Who would’ve thought that after all these years and as I keep rambling on, after all these years and yes, after all these years…I keep asking why, after all these years, I live in perpetual fearfulness?! The moment I wake up, I am reminded of weakness.

All those books read and the side-notes and quotes I’ve written down to attain knowledge and wisdom had only made me realise my inadequacy; never clever nor strong enough.

I look at the world and I am not sure what to feel, grateful or sad?

Majority of the people akin to the foams in the sea, living their lives in a flimsy, shallow, hedonistic bubble, well forget people…look at the mirror.

A flower however, in it I see perfection, the richness of its colour, beautifully blooming even in the wake of my looming, perfection from a distance but when in my hand, it loses its splendour. Alas! it only lives for a few days and dries out and withers away.

Soon enough it blooms again. An appeasement, flowers blossoming as I walk past them…it may seem like I ignore them, but I wish they never stop radiating and, in their radiance, spread out a tiny bit of hopefulness.

 

The Plan

Fear, fear always lingering near me,

Wouldn’t it be nice if you would let me be?

Always at the depths of my heart making it eerie,

So uneasy, even when nothing happening,

My heart pumping with a fear that is unseen,

While my eyes tremble,

and as I speak, mumble.

regressing my position—be it at work or with others,

making it worse when you claim victory,

While I regret pure agony.

Even in the quiet,

As people doing their own thing,

Struck with fear,

The mind not exactly thinking,

Nor quiet, a circus!

The heart feels like its pumping too fast,

Waking up the napping anxiety,

Causing the head to ache a sharp ache,

Will I ever be confident and be away from you?

A wretched disease,

I hate to think, you too, a part of me?

Even if I can’t get rid of you,

Silencing you would bring such relief.

Here I am, saying my prayers,

Afraid of deeds involving others.

Hopeful that the boss won’t ask me to do anything,

While fear grows and the mind unease.

Such is the life,

In fear constantly,

No, I don’t know,

I pray and hope,

While I educate myself,

With knowledge and information,

As to not let you take over me,

This too I will survive,

In no vain,
This is the plan.

Finally~

Hasn’t it been a long time since the last monologue? Made me feel more connected to my consciousness or something like that, After all these years, Sure, it’s something I say repeatedly, Almost cliché… A life of floating and fleeting, of despair and weakness, Of realizing the weakling who is great at harbouring sadness. The medication and shrinks, I hope I never return, To the sick house and to witness ill-fated people. Here, as usual—walking against the streams, What a laugh, The weak soul, refusing to conform, Why can’t people see the norm is not the norm?! Yes, sadly…after all these years, the system still dumbing me down, Still the coward who is constantly snuggled by anxiety, Ever so afraid of what calamities life could shake this pathetic existence with, It might just get worse than it already is… After all these years, I’ve learned from experience, With a negative outlook, life deteriorates, So being hopeful is a smarter way, It lifts the weight and helps you move your ass, For each passing day seem more tolerable, Keeping busy, help keeps the dark thoughts in its corner. And so after all these years, I am saddened I am still at this juncture, Struggling with life for money and just a little respect? Forget happiness, how about absence of sadness? Or are they both the same thing? Tired of comparing, Not too sure if I should be pairing, For now, let’s settle with putting faith in hoping.

Realizatio...

I hate coming to work every day. The people are dimwits, and everything is so biased and operational via favouritism. Some work like slaves, some do nothing and are not even bothered to act busy.

Let me complain yea, I just got shouted by some Australian guy on the phone for something I never did. He was generalizing and shouting out things like how we are not doing our job. Of course, nothing will happen to him.

I am not sure what is meant to be but this life…I keep asking myself, was it my fault that all my life I am living a life of a weak and transgressed human?

Well, I just applied for some days off. That should be good.

Not sure what’s going on with my life.

I get the idea is life is a test, though having lived a life devoid of any satisfaction or achievements. I don’t know. Everyday…

The world, the society, the disparities, the laws and rules that are only applicable to the poor.

I lived for so many years..

Yet when I think of my parents, they have lived for so many years and they’re not respected and they’re still working hard every day. Getting up early and going about their jobs.

What…

I suppose they keep moving for they're parents.

I guess that should make me feel grateful and appreciative of life.

I ought to. I am after all, a weak human.

Choices? 

Well...may be minimal.

Circumstances…

I speak to myself and that's all

I am merely reflecing on my thoughts

I can't talk to anyone on such things...

so cut yourself some slack..

Dream!

I am afraid of time moving a little too fast. The fear of getting older with so little achievements and good deeds…it makes me feel bitter and my existence salty, very salty. A part of me is telling me to be grateful for being fit and looking youthful.  What the actual…?

I keep fantasizing of having a land close to my house. And in this land, I would build a river of sort with a tall waterfall. Obviously, the land is quite widely spread, well one can dream, no?

Also, I will build a spacious gym which is eco-friendly/energy efficient with great air flow and plenty of trees. I would call my Muay-Thai guys and ask them to relocate there. I would do the same with my Silat guys. We could probably earn some profit from there, to keep things going.

I will also build a surau and have a small madrasah. You know to maintain balance and to have peace of mind. Have daily classes for the community, would be beneficial too.

The place would be akin to a clean forest, filled with huge trees cleansing the atmosphere. There should also be stones that are mountainous, basically I’d like to emulate nature. I would grow vegetables as many of them and as tidy as can be. They too will be given to the community or the needy.

Of course, I’d also build a place for us to live in. It wouldn't be as grand but it I would have it built sturdy, cause I am paranoid.

Speaking of fears, one of main fear is not having water. Apart from having an artificial waterfall/river or a pond. I would dig a well, have a pump that generates water from the ground, have multiple water tanks and install a wastewater system so the wastewater can be used to water the plants etc. I worked in a biological wastewater system company before, it seems possible with enough money that is.

Seeing that this is a fantasy, finance shouldn't be a problem.

While I am at it, I might as well attain some super-powers akin to superman. Though, if I did, I won’t be a hero. I would probably hunt down and kill the 1%.

On another note, 

I am imagining living in harmony and staying fit while working out and working in the farm.

I will also have a large chicken coop, maybe raise some goats and cows. Perhaps by doing so. One could be self-sufficient and stop being dependent on this vile society.

That is a dream worth having.

Though having super powers akin to Superman…I shouldn’t be worried about water shortage for me of my family?

This fantasy is getting out of hand.

I should stop now, I can continue later.

Anything-

The end of the first month. It started fine—I should say, but I started to feel bad from being all self-reflective and comparing myself to others. As I kept pondering, I felt bad. It felt as if it was perpetually getting worse.

However, I tried to sleep and exercise more and tried my best to control my diet. It worked at days and when I took care of myself I felt a lot better and more driven.

It’s an ongoing thing, this battle. For now, I just have to keep healthy and keep on moving forward.

As I said to you before, no one is going to help you.  I am saying this as a figure of speech btw.

p.s. I’ve written wayyy more than I did the last year. This is a good thing. I talk and whine to myself and this could be a form of therapy of sort. Anything, that helps.

Foc

I don’t feel as tired today. I noticed that a big factor of why I am feeling fatigued is due to lack of sleep. I slept in longer today; I have to say that it was a good decision. Though I can’t deny the reality I am facing, having enough sleep does not make me feel as sad.

The interview that I had recently had not been as fruitful, perhaps due to the expectation I had for it. however, I am not going to give up... Slowly but surely, I’ll keep applying—that is as much as I can do. No one would help me, that much I know. Therefore, I must stop having such dreams.

My budget for this month, well I didn’t mean to over-spend but I had to fork out more than 300 for my bike and having a tight budget constraint, it is going to affect my spending, I don’t get my next salary in 2 weeks’ time.

I also had a terrible nightmare this morning, though I was more pissed that it hindered my sleep. Hence I was disregarding the dream and trying to fall back into a more peaceful sleep. Sheet!

This morning, as I was driving I had to literally step on the brakes…due to the cars infront of me slowing down. Luckily the car did not swerve. I could smell the burnt rubber emitted from my tyres. That was a frightening experience. People might slow down abruptly even in the fast lane, it’s always important to remain focused.

Note to self: Always remain focus whilst driving.