You

A repetition of regrets and remorse that visits too much, too frequently; a life, of which sentiments and emotions are ignored and they become sediments and residues that lies buried in the vagrant soul, a soul that inhabits a fragile and failing vessel.

Daily, time never stops for anyone; it keeps going in this evil turn of nature that is beautiful but also in its continuum, cruel. Even before you realize it, you grow…against your wish whether you like it or not. You grow into different forms even when you feign ignorance as it reminds one of sickness, disease, frailty and death.

Though the worldly life keeps demanding of your time and energy to ‘make ends meet’ as a consequent, mentally one stops advancing for he is too consumed by the cycle of buying, consuming, gathering and paying debts. It is never enough, it never will be enough. He sickens his being and spoils his chance on concentrating on the mystical aspects of life, the signs and the unseen. Of which no one is interested in for they don’t accept what their mind cannot muster. Though have they not realized that their mind could not muster many other things and of its capacity? People worship their minds, not wanting to accept their flawed nature, worse still refusing to explore and learn…

Though these cunning thoughts reminds one on why we should not dwell too much on discovering and deciphering the self, emphasizing on ones limitations and standing in this world. Neither noble nor respectable nor from an honorable lineage…


On a different note, all of us have been armed and equipped—with experience and knowledge that we have accumulated throughout the years. Of how much and how much of it is valuable… and if one possesses Information that could elevate ones standing and understanding; one that transcends understanding into wisdom; a human from one stage to another.

YOu~

This discomfort-ness, this is all I have been feeling, how long has this feeling been a part of me? Why does it feel like it has been torturing me eternally? !

 My whole being as if it was perpetually being cursed with the sensation of feeling pain in such a perceptive manner; enveloping me whole, as if reminding me on the purpose of my existence…and so I take a few deep breathes as if trying to balance out the darkness by inhaling light.

It is making me more and more uneasy; I feel the insides of my stomach churning with resentment…as if even the insides of my body are unhappy to be a part of me.

 On the outside, the heat that surrounds my body seems overwhelming and getting exponentially heated. The state of this being is almost lost.

In a state of breathlessness and at the brink of hopelessness—he pours buckets of cold water unto his damaged soul, replenishing and watering the dying optimism, as he repeats this, darkness leaped away, buds of green optimism grew and gave birth to clear sight once again. He is momentarily satiated until darkness comes again unannounced, smirking.

~BETTER~

Shit.
I wrote with earning and hope,
Though the reply I received was empty,
I checked and checked and wasted my time in anticipating,
Here I stand emptying my pockets from hoping

I did and I did something I wish I didn’t
I think about it and I wish how I hadn’t
Now I am faced with the burden,
The forlorn,  
Oh what I had done!
The sharp edges of swords now poking against my chest,
My plea forsaken,
AS I fell into a dirty ditch,
Dirtied, though dirtied; yet I fell into it knowingly,
All I do now is hope.
My best hope is that I stop falling for dirty ditches.

Acceptence,
At this juncture again
While wanting to move forward
The first phase is acceptance
After that, directions would be clearer
Hey the wayfarer!
The journey and its meticulous stages
How I wish I was stronger,
If I were a little wiser,
.
.
.
I will grow 'taller',
Be better.










If

Suppression of anger, of holding on to and keeping it in; resisting the urge…the habit, the same thing every time he sees a form of repression… though if he foregoes, his humanity risk being at lost; to get angry again and to be consumed with enmity—or or or or or how does one empathize if the pain he sees is not relatable?  I find it repugnant when my words hold no meaning to the eyes of the readers. Just like peoples abhorrence at my ignorance and complacence at their pain. If only we try to relate to how others might feel.

While we are immersed with our own problems we could go out of our way and put some effort into putting others first at times. It might seem like a suggestion and yes a suggestion to myself.

It is also important to think and to have discourses…if we merely go with the flow and forget about why we lead our lives and do certain things in a conformed way and stop questioning things, then how do we come out of the cave? (Refer: Allegory of the cave).

I rant, as it too is a form of expression, I ran…well I don’t, lemons happen before I could.   

The problem at the table is no one really tries to understand. Everyone is so consumed in a self revolving world… however if one tries I am sure everyone can have a better insight of things, sadly no one has that kind of time!

If the masses were informed and were knowledgeable they’d be less gullible and less prone to manipulation and propaganda especially when these manipulative methods have been used time and time again throughout history.

The first step to enlightenment is to read and not just books by the winners but especially the ones written by the defeated.
   



The Servant

To be productive, to do something productive…once you have a notion of God in your wake while you’re breathing… then you’re living. To be productive, to make a change…what can an ant change? No, I am not saying don’t change I am just saying what change?

What is it like to have faith and hopes in the depths of the heart? I cannot say that I know what it feels like for I am constantly afraid that the wrath will be my becoming.

Trials and ordeals for the temporal being yet when it’s hurting and when he’s suffering the moment seems to prolong and seems as if it just might go on and on.

Even as I breathe I realize I am a dependent being, when the air is dirty, smoky or polluted I get dizzy and I hold my breath and even when I am breathing I realize I am a dependent being. This invincible air, what if it ends? What then when he could not inhale? Then there’s the thirst and hunger and then there’s the thirst of the soul of being intertwined and tangled in a material world it doesn’t belong to. The lover seeks his companion though will his companion be happy to see him?

Utterly weak yet he dreams of things ill befitting of a mere human being, weak yet he fantasies of great things, not in control of his own faith yet he aspires of great things, weak yet he forget himself in sins…such a silly being, a miniscule, an atom yet he manifest himself into a king.

Wake up! Time and time again he was told to…even then he knew if success could be established, despite how miniscule it may be it would be through the glimmers and the shimmering of the hopeful lover, who is at the complete mercy of his lover.

 A man, a beggar, haggard, a withered soul time and time again tampered and bruised, weak with longing, heavy with burden, in complete surrender, the soul wishes to be one with his lover for only then it could truly be .






Hmp

Check it
Another day, yea I survived, still living, silver lining amidst the unnerving what with the new kind of pain lurking a new beginning of a new kind off suffering.
Can u hear my feelings? Even when I say it to your face you seem to be screaming, not caring but for yourself stating that you’re self-sacrificing, how conniving hey the world too equally conspiring.
Tumbling
Secretly a never ending, hoping for the stream to once again commence flowing. The human condition, intelligent but ignorant; rich yet selfish, There is no love we are all on our own. Making me think, feeling the inkling, this weakling, like a fish without water.
My hands shivering, nerves moving against the people I vow I have no feelings yet my body goes limb what is this, it’s embarrassing, come on, you were high and mighty now when it counts I can’t help shaking.
Mind over body, soul over the mind, sold to the man, slave to the land, society damned, ooo a visionary, ooo what a man, ooo so different, intelligent, a philosopher… come on now and show your might, man what have you got?
Trembling

He wants to change the world!! Yet the world is too far away, the mountain cries, it too falls apart anyway turned into stones, oh the heart and how it aches, so real, so brutal.

I Am

I am
I am a…
A balanced life
I feel my heart beating
I guess I am alive
I am a man
I manage my time?
I sacrifice
Sleep
Work
Wake


I
I am
Wisdom and intelligence
I am
Peace and tranquility
Smiles and genuity
Satisfied and satiated
Loved
Loving
Generous and giving


I am
Dazed
In a dream
I am insignificant
Just one
Amongst the bubbles in the sea
Weak and dying
Come on now
I am

Living each day…

Peepur

People
Betrayal
Portrayal of a good stature
Someone who clothe with good attire
Smug
Bold
Proud
Inside, they’d do anything to stay ahead
Their fight
Their plight
To stand high and amass as much
As much riches
These are the masses
They lost themselves
They lost themselves
To where are you headed?
To whom does your soul answer to?
What will you do with your amassed treasure?
Men who sold their souls
What good is stature?
When inside
You stare and there are no human qualities
What is in the heart?
Who knows?
You’re chained
That’s how you’ll ive
Let’s hope
That’s not how you’ll die


You

But I am used to you
So used to you
Each day, even if it wears me out
To a place with no destination
To a state of no clarification
Separated by classification
Social segregation
Misinterpretations
I know,
I malfunction but you’ll always be in mind

You,
I want to see happy,
No, not lonely,
Even if it seems irritating,
Even if it seems like I am pestering,
I do so,
So you don’t have the time to feel lonely
No more aching,
Forget the hurting,
Time and time again,
The rainbow will appear
The rainbow will appear
Even if u don’t feel belonged
Even when you’re feeling hopeless
You’re special
Know that you’re special
So keep strong
Times are hard
But you are strong
So don’t be scared
Retain your smile
For it brings a shine
So keep shining
Keep on smiling
Even when you’re sleeping
Dream of beautiful things
An eternal flower
Beautiful,

Colorful and undying

Thanks to a certain minister for the inspiration.


Thanks to a certain minister for the inspiration.
Recently with the help of a Bangladeshi man, we cleared and tidied the space in front of my house, you know, the small space right outside the fence? I had some heliconias’ growing there, though it grew a little too wild and a little too bushy. The flowers were beautiful but then like I said, it was just too bushy and I got tired of having to trim the plants every now and then. However, the main reason for the clean-up was due to a friend’s suggestion. He said that I could make it neater and plant a variety of other plants.  It was a pretty good idea and I was running out of space to plant stuff inside, I figured I’d plant and pot a couple of fruit trees together with some flowering plants. We spent around 2 hours or so just cutting down the plants, digging out the tough roots, flattening the ground and using bricks and stones to make an outer border to where the plants would go. It was a pretty tiring experience but seeing that we got the job done in a couple of hours, it was worth it. Sure I had to pay the guy some money, but hey!
A few days later, after gathering/buying some bricks and drain stones; I called up the Bangladeshi guy to come over; this time to cement the rocks. He brought a friend with him. It started to drizzle the minute we started placing the stones, we got started anyway.  I also bought some old wood from my neighbor and was busy sawing some of them because they were too long. It took us about 3 hours to complete the job.it wasn’t great and I still have to plant the trees and the smaller plants. It was something. My objective for writing this piece is to perhaps emphasize on how tiring manual labor can get. It gets pretty damn tiring if you were to do it more than a couple of hours. I was fortunate that the sun was not glaring on the days we set to work. Maybe I am not used to it but once you get your hands dirty and your body sweaty, you’d get the idea.

When I heard about this minister’s comment on how we should work more, I mean we know how these people are, though some of their remarks are just too bloody ignorant and they have their special ways to continually surprise us.  After just working for let’s just say 4 hours of wood sawing and picking up stones and arranging them. I was pretty much done for the day. After getting the job done, I had something to eat and took a nap. I also had to sleep early that night. Don’t get me wrong I am a pretty active person. Asking someone who does a pretty draining job—be it physically or mentally to get another is just utterly inconsiderate and inhumane.






incomplete

A haggard soul
In a rigid world
The debris scattered
The earth rumbled
The people in hunger
The people are the ones that have to endure


My oh my
History keeps repeating itself
The evil cycle

The treacherous pattern



A colorful flower
A sign for hope
A sign of life
An aspiration
Significant
That a flower can bloom
Even when the earth is harsh
When the earth is dry
To be hopeful
A fresh leaf sprouting from a dead seed
Even when everything seems dead
Like a flame in the dark,
Glitter  





litics

Classy clothes, designer suits and a smug expression,
A reputable title—enough to split traffic in two,
Colorful educational backgrounds,
Lofty cars,
Houses, lands, properties, assets,
‘Successful and prosperous’,
 Affluent, influential the ministers and statesmen,
“Nothing personal, it’s just business”, their slogan,
To be ruthless and selfish,
It’s a dog eat dog world,
To study hard, get distinctions,
Become lawmakers, misuse the rules,
Become goat herders,
Herding people and cultivating obedient workers,
Success through lies and tyranny,
The more they transgress, the more they possess,
Possessions equates to happiness?
How come the rulers never satisfied?
Re-question your dreams
Re-think your idols,
Outwardly happiness develops avarice,







It is my fault for being shallow,
I fantasize of gaining richness,
Unhappy with the riches I possess,
Thinking, by flaunting my wealth I become superior.
Troubled that I too might one day bend the rules,

Just like how politicians do to attain ‘success’.
Like a knife searing through
Dreams unreached
The anguish of his scream
Vanquished in silence
She lives
While he is busy finding ways to be alive
She hides, busy with her busy lives
He stands stout
He is no grouch
A thousand afflictions has pierced through his flesh
Distrustful yes
Still he doesn’t fall
His eyes pictures him standing tall
So to you, do as you feel fit
live your lives
Smile with all your flaws

He stands even when he falls

Wo

He used to walk with haste,
With optimism spread across his face,
Alas! He was betrayed and scarred,
Now, betrayed and scared,
Carrying wounds and pain,
Forced him to walk at a slower phase,
Though, in time he recovered,
And soon as he walked unfazed,
He was eager to join the rat-race,
Though again,
He got cheated and disappointed + disgraced,
He took some time,
And in time,
He got up with grace,
The announcer then states,
Get back to the starting line!
Once again, he began with hope,
Though once again, fell into a bitter state,
He noticed,
It’s either do nothing and get pulled into the quicksand,
Or to crawl and eventually learn to walk again,
So he continued upholding his course,
While the world unceasingly continued to punish & exhaust his sanity

Un-corrected



I live trying to understand the meaning, though the path to attain meaning has a lot to do with abstaining, I see my resolve disheartening, life seems more and more depleting, pure intentions floats away fleeting, the devil after each plot laughing, emotions bleeding amidst the weakening, I began realizing of how little of meaning I have come close to understanding, a weakling, constantly foraging for the slightest amount of peace, he wishes that he could stop thinking but to no avail, the mind won't sit still.


It is said that negative thoughts are evil in itself and that it brings with it sadness and consequently consumes the whole soul; till everything about the soul becomes discouraging, even his existence is filled to the brink with such decadence that amounts to constant crying and pleadings of the unhappy soul. He cries till his dreams become thin. The people around him disparaging, they stay away because the air around him is just black and nauseating. He complains, “it’s not like I am not trying, have any of you seen my thoughts?” He asked and continued to answer his own question, “They are toxin and poisonous, it is filled of filth that is always on the ready to kill the faintest sign of chance and glad-tidings.”

His dreams akin to a shimmering—dying flame of a candle; He puts his hand around it trying to protect them from the gushing winds, but until when will the weak flame of hope become strong enough to withstand the breeze—and when will his thoughts and whispers turn into murmurs of goodness and his soul filled with such a brightness that light gushes from? The meaning so close yet the betrayal from amongst the living a test to the striving; the nature of the oppressive world, corrupting and re-regulating a child’s mind; what else does he have but to beggar and keep foraging till he finds within him the meanings that hide in the insides of his intertwined and conflicting mind. So hear, here is to optimism.

Hegemony

In an age where self centeredness reigns, where everyone has an unprecedented and many precious opinion; I feel like, I wouldn’t want to be left out from the scene.

It seems like people have moved on and forgotten about the recent upheaval that created animosity between two majority races in the country; which is a good thing.

Speaking of the recent disarray, rather than racism, I’d prefer addressing and narrowing it towards one of the underlying source on the cause or what might’ve instigated these outbursts. We do not know if it was propaganda but we all know that there are many people who are unhappy and we have many impoverished people who are unhappy. The nature of an unhappy person is that when provoked he lashed out without thinking twice because he is always on the edge—Often unstable, due to stresses, discontentment and the feeling of rejection.

For one, we live in an extremely stressful age;
Everyone is always on the edge,
 Firmly enveloped in fear,
Paranoia becomes second nature,
Selfishness becomes the norm,
It’s a dog eat dog world!
Arrogance and narcissism in ordinance,  
A living hell, a living hell,
Mankind seems to be heading towards a certain darkness,
One that might lead to everlasting unhappiness.

Mr. Soren Kierkegaard a 19th century Danish philosopher, proposed that an individual has to pass through three stages on the way to becoming a true self: the aesthetic, the ethical, and the religious though according to him, many are stuck at the aesthetic stage commonly known as the material stage. Hence everything is of face value ergo shallowness becomes a determining factor on how one perceives happiness.

We probably are not as racist as we are judgmental. We judge others through outer appearances and physical possessions. We are indeed a shallow lot. Wouldn’t it better if we could grow up and be less superficial? It seems like we are cursed, we think the more possessions we have the better we are. We appreciate possessions more than human values.

Despite our differences which I will elaborate later, I believe the so called rage/anger is the outcome of one being in a stressful state for too long or due to not having a normal/comfortable life so to speak.  

“The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.” As said by -Carl Jung-

We have people who are poverty stricken and being treated as failures/ social outcasts in the community, the only easy way to get recognition sometimes can be unthinkable to others. This is not an easy problem to solve especially when there are so many struck by poverty. To make matters worse, as we all know, our economy is gradually worsening and basic things are getting more expensive.  

Imagine someone who has lived in discomfort his whole life while observing others living a more lavish or what seems like a happier life because we as a people tend to think that a bigger house equals bigger happiness and worse still we pay more respect towards the rich and towards people with titles before their names than the poor.

If we think about it, the root to our major problems is primarily done by the people who are in control of the economy yet we praise them and idolize them.  

Speaking of races, well let’s address them as race: A, B & C…after reading comments and opinions of races predominantly belonging to race A… I for one; well, this is a little difficult to say but they have discovered what sarcasm is in 2015— Having said that, among the many things that bothers me are their overly-confident remarks on how they did things ‘on their own’ without anyone’s help; that or students who just finished studying claiming, ‘I made it all on my own and now I am going to do things my way’. After being spoon fed your whole life, you spout things like that? Little do they know that for generations most of them have been the spoiled brat of the nation, so to speak.  

As for race B everything is either and investment or a transaction, though I guess, they work so hard that they hardly have any time, that’s why you see them always rushing and as the saying goes, ‘don’t give you face’ as a consequent their stares and attitude towards others or even their own—well from my personal experience I would say gave birth to a kind of superiority complex that is pretty discomforting and distasteful in a ‘masyarakat majmuk’ like atmosphere.

As for race C who are probably the unluckiest of all the races—I for one have pin-pointed the cause to their dilemma. We from other/mixed races mostly grew up with fairytales which I’ve come to realize have molded millions of minds and have set unrealistic expectations and a false sense of happiness unto clean, innocent minds.

Race C grew up with something worse, movies!
 Yes I said it; these movies have caused the minds to stray away from reality, as a result many grown man think that with the stylish wave of a finger and by muttering something like, na adicha ni satideve, people will just be at awe at the stylishness/swag of the main protagonist. There are millions of individuals in race C though to every individual, he is the main protagonist in his own movie/life.  In closing, the influence of movies to the people of race C is just too much and has probably caused grown men problem in differentiating between real life and unrealistic cinematography.

I almost left out race D & race E...I happen to be part of race D & E. Race D is of the mixed/kacukan race and are well liked because of their openness, understanding and flexible nature.

As for race E… all other races dislikes race C including its own kind. Sadly, despite all that I wrote above about races seems pointless for in today’s world it seems like there is only one race, which is the race of/for money. Let’s refer to race E is as the race of the poor.

The society’s outcasts…people don’t notice but the rempits, mat dadah, the kongsi gelap, the pariah, all have one thing in common. Most of them come from poor, broken family and from a poor neighborhood. These places are often neglected and abandoned by authorities and probably seen as a lost cause. As a consequence, children who grow up here are wrongly influenced and they become adults and just like that the cycle continues. To me, one of the most crucial parts of growing up is during one’s childhood to adolescence; when the brain is molded and shaped.

Having said that, let’s distance ourselves further and have a, so to speak panoramic view, our leaders are corrupt, our politics thrives on racism and other negative stuff…though none bugs me more than our education system that progressively molds a child’s brain into becoming a superficial, shallow and a selfish adult.

On another note, if there is one thing we can change, it would be changing our education system. How difficult can it be? In an age where copying and pasting has proven to be helpful and at times a work of magic, ‘copy and paste’ have always worked out if done properly, you know without breaking any plagiarizing laws; Let me rephrase, rather than copying and pasting let’s use the term emulating. Here is what I am insinuating. Why not emulate countries whose education system has proven to be effective in creating better and wiser people? Send a delegation to other countries, learn about their education system and implement them in our own. “Ambil yang jernih, buang yang keruh” as the saying goes. How difficult can it be? Also, I am sure many have heard of this, “a smart man learns from his experience, a smarter man learns from the experiences of others.” It might take years but it has to start somewhere right? Also it will be a dream come true if proper education was free for everyone.

Coming back to topic, it is not an impossible task to eradicate poverty in our nation. Though it seems almost impossible to have clean and honest politicians; if only kindness were more prevalent over un-kindness then perhaps we wouldn’t always be angry. The root of many problems in a society is poverty and inequality.

My fear is that in the near future instead of lessening the number of poorer families and poverty stricken neighborhood judging from where we’re heading it just looks like things are worsening and impoverishment might just multiply and over the years, create newer families who then experience & observe the inequality of life and give birth to angrier and disheartened human beings.
Let’s pray and hope for the best.




The Other Day


The other day I went to a wedding, a friend had accomplished in finding matrimony. You know how these days before you enter the wedding hall, you register and the person behind the table will tell you which table you are supposed to be seated in? So I was given a number. I headed inside and my eyes were studying each table. Fortunately the numbers were written big enough that I had no trouble in locating where I was supposed to be seated in. Many familiar faces were already seated there. Though I wasn’t close to them, it still gave me a sense of comfort. I greeted them and sat down.  A guy from high school then asked me what I did for a living, I answered him and to continue the conversation, I asked him about his job; he stated that he works in KL. He lives in Subang, so I almost by default started asking him about the traffic jamm he ought to face each day.

 Thinking about it now I am not sure if he was being arrogant but at that moment I was sure there was an air of arrogance in the way he spoke. This is what he said, “I don’t have to worry about that, I am the boss. I go in whenever I like, if I don’t feel like it then I don’t go to work”. I don’t know why but I sensed he was being cocky, so I lost interest in the conversation and starting talking to others at the table. As the wedding went on and after having something to eat, I felt the urge to head home. Sitting on my left was a ‘friend’ who was well known for being wealthy. He was speaking to his friends on how his friend just bought a house despite not being very studious in school and of more people owning this and that. I just nodded and laughed in agreement when I was supposed to. The urge to head home got stronger. I wanted to give my wedding gift to my friend which was a 50 Ringgit note in a Hari Raya sampul. I decided to give it to my friend which was what I did. This guy then proceeds to take my sampul and immediately opens it up and looks into it. After taking a peek, he muttered noddingly, “this is good enough”.  I was taken aback and almost gave in to my anger—but then I made the right decision and walked away. As I was walking, I thought to myself what if I had given 20 ringgit instead? I also thought of how the value of 50 ringgit could mean something to so much for some people and so little to some. For that I should be grateful.

The other day at work…a  colleague of mine who I am close with,  a middle aged man... My cubicle is set across my supervisor’s room. My supervisor is about 28-29 of age. He calls my colleague and starts talking to him in a loud disrespectful tone and said things like, “You get this done and only then you go back home today”. I was listening from outside. It just didn’t feel right. For one I always knew this world was anything but fair but then to daily live and witness this unfairness nullifies one’s optimism.  Having said that, I must be a heck of a positive person for despite the bitterness—I still believe in being hopeful.


I love poetry, however for whatever reasons— I have completely lost any interest in not just poetry but at writing in general. So I thought to myself that this is bad. Despite the level of my writing, it would be a pity to discontinue. I say that because I realize how much I like writing.   I am more preoccupied with things that benefit me less and consume a lot of my free time; thanks to the internet.

More importantly I need to exercise. I tell myself a lot of things yet of late doing things that were easy before seem pretty darn difficult these days.
Here is to not losing hope and the will to persevere.




What is.

Good

I have always been the inquisitive type; the one who bugs others with what you would consider rude/useless probing’s. I don’t know why but I’ve always been curious and always been filled with questions, one who contemplates over every little thing and at times even come across as being annoying and provocative. Though in reality, all I intent is to get answers to questions I don’t know and I ask people with the intention to learn from them.

I befriend older guys thinking that they would be wiser and that they would understand the weight the word, ‘life’ carries. Usually, failing to withhold my inquisitiveness, I randomly ask these experienced people on the reason behind their existence and their definition of life. I’ve noticed that these ‘experienced’ people, well most of them basically had the same understanding of life that their parents had, which was primarily focused on materialism. I am not against materialism instead I am materialistic myself to a certain extent. However, I do think that a human being should also focus on increasing his intelligence and rise in spirituality. I guess what I am trying to say is, a soul ought to be balanced with a good and healthy physical, mental and spiritual state.  

Maybe it is simpler than I think it is, like all men in history, each day was about being able to survive hence seeing that many have survived and living a pretty good life, all would seem satisfactory and as far as spirituality matters, it might appear sufficient at the level they are at. That or like me they too are incapable of advancing further which to me is akin to a curse.

Having said that, in this, I have discovered a huge flaw of mine... This weakness has till this day invoke sadness. The greatest impotence of mine is my limitations, the inability to comprehend certain stuff, to contemplate and envisage certain things. What I am trying to say is a long time back I noticed that my intelligence and comprehension being insufficient. This as a consequent has dulled and shadowed my curiosity. A good example would be, for example; a child asking an engineer on the mechanism an intricate engine and its functionality. Even when knowledge is laid out to him a child would not be able to understand the mechanism.

This is what I think but it isn’t how I feel. Why can’t I be able to answer the most basic questions. Surely we know—however knowing and understanding are two different things. It is very evident that each day I age; it is also evident that when I stop gaining a better way of thinking and understanding, life seems more and more enclosed.  

If there’s one thing I expected from my adult self as a child was to be a person of wisdom. Like I said previously I envisioned old men possessing wisdom and wise people who are no longer shallow however it wasn’t in their possession…that, or I failed to see it in them. My worse fear is to end up like them. These days, being clouded with just empty entertainment I lost interest in reading or writing. If there’s one thing I could be proud of it would be that I am friends with knowledgeable people, just that. I am like a person who sees the night on a sunny day, surrounded only by darkness.

In my so called expedition in deciphering this life of mine to gain a better understanding and failing at many junctures, I had to limit myself to this. We die.

It is our practice to cleanse or shower a dead person. I have in my life time performed it several times. I have dug graves, stood in them and placed bodies in their respective graves. They say we never think of death because the soul is imperishable; yet we forget that the vessel we are in ages and rots. Many a times I buried bodies of my friends and relatives. Many after a day or so I’ve forgot to turn my thoughts on them. They are no longer inhabitants of the world.

I wish that when I die, I die as a good person and die in doing good. That is as much of wisdom I’ve attained. Clearly in living the present life I am consumed with gloominess and as I, under the pretense of having dejected the world, the world in turn has dejected me. This is my hope, disastrous is he who dies in evil or in pettiness. Here is to hoping that we keep death in mind and that we die in doing good, being good and in goodness.
I wish to be wiser each day, I realized that humility and sincerity is the way, though the self is inadequate, there is still hope; we pray.