Dream!


I am afraid of time moving a little too fast. The fear of getting older with so little achievements and good deeds…it makes me feel bitter and my existence salty, very salty. A part of me is telling me to be grateful for being fit and looking youthful.  What the actual…?

I keep fantasizing of having a land close to my house. And in this land, I would build a river of sort with a tall waterfall. Obviously, the land is quite widely spread, well one can dream, no?

Also, I will build a spacious gym which is eco-friendly/energy efficient with great air flow and plenty of trees. I would call my Muay-Thai guys and ask them to relocate there. I would do the same with my Silat guys. We could probably earn some profit from there, to keep things going.

I will also build a surau and have a small madrasah. You know to maintain balance and to have peace of mind. Have daily classes for the community, would be beneficial too.

The place would be akin to a clean forest, filled with huge trees cleansing the atmosphere. There should also be stones that are mountainous, basically I’d like to emulate nature. I would grow vegetables as many of them and as tidy as can be. They too will be given to the community or the needy.

Of course, I’d also build a place for us to live in. It wouldn't be as grand but it I would have it built sturdy, cause I am paranoid.

Speaking of fears, one of main fear is not having water. Apart from having an artificial waterfall/river or a pond. I would dig a well, have a pump that generates water from the ground, have multiple water tanks and install a wastewater system so the wastewater can be used to water the plants etc. I worked in a biological wastewater system company before, it seems possible with enough money that is.

Seeing that this is a fantasy, finance shouldn't be a problem.

While I am at it, I might as well attain some super-powers akin to superman. Though, if I did, I won’t be a hero. I would probably hunt down and kill the 1%.

On another note, 

I am imagining living in harmony and staying fit while working out and working in the farm.
I will also have a large chicken coop, maybe raise some goats and cows. Perhaps by doing so. One could be self-sufficient and stop being dependent on this vile society.

That is a dream worth having.

Though having super powers akin to Superman…I shouldn’t be worried about water shortage for me of my family?

This fantasy is getting out of hand.

I should stop now, I can continue later.





Anything-


The end of the first month. It started fine—I should say, but I started to feel bad from being all self-reflective and comparing myself to others. As I kept pondering, I felt bad. It felt as if it was perpetually getting worse.

However, I tried to sleep and exercise more and tried my best to control my diet. It worked at days and when I took care of myself I felt a lot better and more driven.

It’s an ongoing thing, this battle. For now, I just have to keep healthy and keep on moving forward.
As I said to you before, no one is going to help you.  I am saying this as a figure of speech btw.

p.s. I’ve written wayyy more than I did the last year. This is a good thing. I talk and whine to myself and this could be a form of therapy of sort. Anything, that helps.

Foc


I don’t feel as tired today. I noticed that a big factor of why I am feeling fatigued is due to lack of sleep. I slept in longer today; I have to say that it was a good decision. Though I can’t deny the reality I am facing, having enough sleep does not make me feel as sad.

The interview that I had recently had not been as fruitful, perhaps due to the expectation I had for it. however, I am not going to give up... Slowly but surely, I’ll keep applying—that is as much as I can do. No one would help me, that much I know. Therefore, I must stop having such dreams.

My budget for this month, well I didn’t mean to over-spend but I had to fork out more than 300 for my bike and having a tight budget constraint, it is going to affect my spending, I don’t get my next salary in 2 weeks’ time.

I also had a terrible nightmare this morning, though I was more pissed that it hindered my sleep. Hence I was disregarding the dream and trying to fall back into a more peaceful sleep. Sheet!

This morning, as I was driving I had to literally step on the brakes…due to the cars infront of me slowing down. Luckily the car did not swerve. I could smell the burnt rubber emitted from my tyres. That was a frightening experience. People might slow down abruptly even in the fast lane, it’s always important to remain focused.

Note to self: Always remain focus whilst driving.




Vent a Little


I hope and try to be as hopeful and I dream and fantasize, and I try and try, though as if cursed and worse still at this age I am still stuck at instability, insecurity and being unsuccessful.

Fuck!

Let me vent. There is no one to talk to hence at least let me write for the sake of expressing myself.
I hate myself for not being smart enough, for not having better qualifications, for not having a stable life, for having anxiety and being fucking depressed all the time.

It sucks to have to constantly worry about money, safety, food and family.

If anything, I have been constantly sad and insecure all my life. What is this shit?

People stay away from me for being negative and sad all the time…though I hate more than anything to be stuck in sadness.

Let me vent, it’s not like I have or want to talk to someone about this. Let me vent it’s not like I am going to ask you to read this.

Until when?

I keep thinking wouldn’t it be better to never have existed…apparently the gift of life is such a blessing that I have to constantly count my blessings…

Well, let me vent…I’ll be better soon. At least a little.

We suffer all our lives and die only to be scrutinized on what deeds we did?

If this is not hell or a slice of hell…

I know but let me went. I’ll feel better soon.

Though as of for now…
The familiar pain is just searing through my insides.


Bummed.



Here I was hoping, and I did write something previously about how things work out(miserably) when I start hoping.

I just called the agent who was said she would get back to me yesterday, I know I was being annoying I’ve been calling here every day for the past couple of days. Today she said that the quota for the second interview is full. I would be called if someone drops out or cancels.

Here I was hoping to leave this place and I thought that perhaps it would work out this time around.
Yet again, I have failed.

The agent sounded dismissive and probably didn’t like me calling her often. I didn’t want to pester her, so I just said thanks.

Well it’s not like life is less shitty. I was hoping for something better…

Super - ?


This is also something I been wanting to write about…but judging from my recent entries. I suppose keeping it short makes things effective; as in I get to complete and write more regularly.

If I could have a super power, which one would I opt for? I used to want to be like Superman as in having all his super powers. Though I guess in a more realistic sense… I would choose teleportation?
You know because life is shitty, indulging in nonsensical thoughts can be pretty damn endearing and addictive; Sad I know but hey…

Back to the topic. Why teleportation?

Just the idea of going to one place to another and….well basically not being reliant to society/people and not having to be tied to something is just a dream akin to dreaming of having super powers.
On second thoughts I might just choose to have superman like powers as it seems like a, ‘complete’ set of a super person.

Though with teleportation one can also easily win fights and just go and do whatever he feels like, sort of, he is less strong and therefore expendable.

As childish as this may seem, I am enjoying this.

Whereas having a steel like body could make one less paranoid of being hurt and immune to diseases. As such life would probably be more carefree and somewhat free of most worries.

Though if I were to possess such a super power, will I be a hero that is expected of a super hero? Hell to the No!

Justice would be served accordingly, according to me that is. Ha – Ha

Having said that if I were to attain super powers then others too would be able to do so…if that is the case, should I choose to be like Goku instead?

17th


You know on how I’ve been complaining about feeling fatigued and tired? Apparently, It had also got to do with my blood pressure. I got to know that my pressure is high hence the sensation of feeling faint and fatigued.

I had a phone interview recently which went quite well, according to the interviewee that is. It’s been 2 days now and I have been anticipating the date for the next interview. Been calling the agent but as usual she says that she’ll update me soon. I care because I want to leave so bad. I want to have something better.

That is the objective for now. Though for now I am going to try and be as optimistic as I can.

Surely this is not a bad thing?


Yesterday's

This has been on my mind, you know; the same thought just lurks by at times. It happened many years ago and I’ve been wanting to write about this. I hope to finish writing about this tonight, if possible.

Some years ago, it could’ve been as long as 10 years back? I was in a fancy night club, I had a friend at that time who was a singer in a band and he was performing in the club which was located in a well-known hotel in KL.

I didn’t care as much as I’ve been there a couple of times and since I was friends with the singer I got to eat and drink for free. Though all we drank was coke but ate some delicious steak. I brought a friend along with me.

The club was famous for rich guys as such there were hot chicks. Majority of the people there were aged to say the least. I was standing there with my friend, with my glass of cake on the table, trying to act cool. Seated there were some girls with an elderly guy old enough to be my grandpa. I don’t hit on chicks or even talk to chicks whom I didn’t know. I was pretty shy.

Also I wasn’t interested in the girls as they looked like professionals if you know what I mean. During that time seeing that our drinks were scattered, I am not sure if I picked up the wrong glass, I noticed, these people eye-balling me.

I was like, dude I don’t even drink and I could get any drinks I wanted for free. I am pretty sure the old dude didn’t get that from my body language. However, this grandpa started staring at me as if he was trying to prove something. I had to kinda be the big guy and look away.

All that went into my mind was, this guy probably has kids my age or older than me and here he is trying to prove himself and act tough in front of some girls; How pathetic. He might’ve been a dato’ or something but honestly. I didn’t have a speck of respect for people like him. It just made despise people like that ever since.

The way he looked was disgusting and I hope I never turn out to be someone like that. You know at that ripe age of dying. Being at a night club and with some possible prostitutes and trying to act gangster-like to someone who doesn’t even care about his existence while he tries to prove his ceasing existence so readily.

Phew—I am glad I wrote this down. It serves as a reminder and probably tells a lot about the world, or not.

On the 10th day of


Still tired but it’s the beginning of a new year. ‘Be hopeful!’, ‘Try to change your mind set!’ are the words I keep telling myself.

 There is this girl and at one time she seemed approachable but…not so much now.

My thoughts, it gets rowdy—from one place to another, it’s hopelessly all over the place.
Well hope is not all lost, get to move forward despite the circumstances. I keep reminding myself to remain focused and shoo away incoming thoughts.

That should be a good ending to this one.  

Gym


I feel drained, the weather, well I think the weather isn’t too painful. Especially in my room where there is no proper ventilation and the roof is so close to the ceiling. When it gets hot, it feels s like I am in an oven.

Every time when the sun feels like it’s too hot, I start getting these headaches which annoyingly aches a lot more than I wish they do. Added with physical activities, well any physical activities—I get a headache that last for hours.

There are things that I always find regretful. Yesterday something happened. It wasn’t bad but it could’ve been worse.

When I went to the gym yesterday, one of the guys there asked if I wanted to spar, I said, ‘sure.’
Hence after warming up alone and almost getting bored, seeing that I was training  alone I asked the guy if he wanted to spar.

I am not sure if I hit him hard (I had no intention) or he wanted to show off.  Before we sparred he was jokingly taunting me stating if I am sure if I wanted to spar with him. I didn’t pay any attention to his words except that I felt that he was extremely confident. He also chose not to wear shin guards while I did.

I noticed that his jabs and his punches were getting faster and stronger so I reacted the same. He wasn’t using his legs, he said that he didn’t wear shin guards but he suddenly kicked me and dropped me. From there on it got intense. He was lighter than me and lucky for me, he didn’t get any clean shots, I didn’t really feel like I was getting hurt. Though seeing that he was being cocky, I gave him a strong right which landed on his nose.

Regretting what I did and not wanting things to get even more heated up, after some exchanges, I said let rest for a bit but he didn’t like the idea. So we took a short break and resumed again after a minute. I tried to keep my composure and played more defensive this time. I felt really bad but I guess one should never be cocky and try to bully others.

Though the next round I told him that he can hit me whereas I’ll just be blocking; I tried to block each of his punches and swayed around. Of course there were many that hit the target especially my body. I was happy with it, feels like he got to exact his revenge and you know made things better I should say. I noticed he was friendly again. I was happy with that. If anything I hate confrontations that last.

Also I tend to get really regretful when things like that happen. Well having said that I don’t like being bullied and if you expect me to take shit then you’re wrong. I hate people who try to show off by screwing with others.

Well that was done.


Laugh


Laughter,
But a faint memory,
Remember the last time you laughed with no worries?
Laughter,
Isn’t that what you are after?
Temporal or…
Fake and loud,
Regardless of being empty,
Happy or sad,
To smile and to laugh;
In this world or the hereafter?
Amidst the darkness,
Amidst the world that gradually darkens,
Amidst all the chaos and destruction,
The soul losing its essence,
People, well just more self-indulgent.

“Will you be my source of laughter?”,
He asked her,
Pfft, she replies and vanishes,
He gazed and laughed at himself,
And the world laughs at him,
And so, the world laughs at him,
While despair…
With open arms, takes him in.


Day 4



Due to being exhausted lately, I slept longer, I feel less fatigued now but no-where close to being motivated. Am I the one with the wrong attitude and lacking mental strength?

My colleagues too aren’t happy but I don’t hear them losing sleep. Well, I ought to focus and keep looking for better opportunities.

There is no other way.

May all be well.

Dream



Third day of the year. The weariness worsens, and my eyes are sleepy. I am feeling miserable, but I must be grateful? I feel like shit but at least I am getting paid. There is no satisfaction except for the pay I get every month. Yes, I am complaining and whining, and it seems like this is what I do. Well this is how I feel, and this is just my own writing. I hope I would be successful enough soon in the future and feel embarrassed when I read this later.

I know no one helps you unless you have something they want. Well I am not hating or anything. I am just venting out what I am feeling at this moment and at this moment, I feel bleak.

I feel like everyone is a villain. Each with his own agenda, everyone wants to be happy so bad that we would kill of anyone standing in their way.

To what extent? What is the most pleasurable thing in this world and how long does it last?
A huge with some workers in it. Brightly lit and filled with facilities. Each face must smile when imagining it.

Though, will that really amount to lasting happiness?

It does feel a lot more secure and comfortable, so to speak. From the mind of a peasant, this seems like an ideal life. Not having to worry about the hateful thing called money.




Shame


Second day of the year. This unease, I wish I could just walk away from this place and not having to worry about my actions. Alas!

Last night a young lady, told me to grow up and said that everyone faces these issues. I agreed with her, but it didn’t make me feel any better or did my fear subside.

I feel fatigued and weak. Though I am partly grateful that so far, I am still functioning well.
Another day is about to end. Though the few remaining hours at work makes me hope for a quite night.

I think of my beautiful plants at home. Looking at them grow nicely makes me feel good inside. I also can’t help but think of the rats that have caused a couple of my plants to die. I want to pulverize them.

I feel fatigued and embarrassed for being at this age and achieving so much, such a shame.


Now -


I used to aspire to do big things, to change the environment, to make big changes and perhaps one day see the world smile. I used to brightly smile and was unaware of pain and sadness. I used to look at the world with wonderment and curiosity.

Though when I was thrown into the world, my innocence was ruptured and entered then a wave of, ‘reality’. All I remember now is the image of the smile and none of the joy.

While growing up I used to question my existence and why despite being outwardly same and despite growing up together, some are treated differently and that how one’s environment and family’s background can shape the future and the future of their offspring’s.

 I used to question my existence, now I start to wonder if the end of existence will end the pain?

 I used to wish and long for many things, now I wish for things to not get worse than it is.  

My earning for knowledge and wisdom…I had thought I had attained understanding or some standing. I used to hope, and I keep hoping—now all I do is constantly be in a state of anxiety; regardless of how hopeful, like everything else it goes bad and withers away. All my experiences instead of making me a person of stature, had made me a fearful person.

 People around me asking me to change and not just sit and do nothing. I try though due to the fruitlessness it appears as if no effort was put and regardless of the past, hope remains but true to my nature, gets stepped on.

The way of the world.

Everyone gets old and die, the cruel circumstances that befalls unto people. The people living in ignorance not knowing the lies and traps of the material world. Succumbing into a lifetime of chasing a happiness that is non-existent.

The eyes of the poor child and the graving mother, the pain and frailty shown in their eyes. It seems like all that is there to this world is pain, ignorance and pain waiting to happen.

They say to be mindful of your blessings though all that is left is a paranoid mind. I keep thinking on why this is all I think of, yet my friends tell me that I always look happy.

I hate to fret on the petty stuff, though now I fret on work and on how the money I earn is insufficient. I hate to worry about these things and it makes me unhappy realizing that these things have such a big effect on my being.

I fail to find a reason to respect the people around me, I hate dealing with people who are only capable of constituting happiness to things like cars, parties and adding wealth. All their thoughts and spoken words reflects on selfish indulgence and the fun it brings; Hedonists who don’t know the meaning of the word hedonist.

Though what am I and how am I better?

I used to aspire; that the world and its people would get better.

Famines, flood, war crimes, torture and killings and selfishness seem to be the only prevalent thing. I ask myself on how can I find ease when I see the pain reflected in people’s eyes? Even the fantasies I had from reading and watching cartoons fail to materialize in my mind.  

All I earn is a life devoid of pain, yet all around me are symbolism and imagery of pain or pain waiting to happen. When I see life, I see the eventual aging of a human being who awaits death.  

One might try to deny it, but it befalls everyone. Lives expire. We chase our dreams, forgetting about the expiry date pasted on our backs.

Hence I live in a state of fear, afraid of the inevitable.



Life


At the most unsuspecting of nights,
As far as I can remember,
I don’t think I’ve ever dreamt of her,
Well not this vividly at least,
And it had been years since things went astray,
This happened right before dawn,
I woke up utterly shocked and with a throbbing pain in my chest,
In a different realm for certain,
It was her but she looked a little different,
Her husband too at times was present, much to my annoyance,
It took place at times amidst a tall but silent waterfall,
At times in the middle of snowy mountains with dark trees and with almost no wind or sun,
One thing for certain it was really quiet, that it made the dream even more picturesque,
Almost like a slideshow, the scenes kept changing,
That which remained the same was the kindness in her eyes when it met mine,
It felt like our gaze went beyond our eyes and to the depths of our soul,
Tall, slender and with short hair the way it was when she was younger,
Again those charming and beautiful eyes that fell upon mine!
 I was convinced—a thing called unconditional love existed,
At times you were gliding through the snow and at times standing still amidst the trees surrounded by the calmness of the waterfall.
I had no idea what the dream meant, it was already too late for us,
There was no way we could be together,
Though here I was enjoying your presence even if it was unreal but the depiction of your presence seemed sufficient,
What could’ve the message been?
Though again, I was fascinated and desperately studying your facial expressions and again those kind eyes that amounted to overwhelming feelings of love and hope,
The dream was of no words nor dialogues,
In my loneliness and longing-ness I wanted to feel that I was the one you truly loved.


I woke up shocked, the dream had hit me hard.
It wasn’t the right day or time or place to have such a dream.
I wasn't even in my house.
Confused, I decided to ‘look around’ for answers,
I opened your husband’s profile and to my surprise,
The love of my life or so I thought had given birth to a baby with the eyes of her mother,
I now know the meaning of the dream,
It was another goodbye.


_hit Day


As soon as I woke up this morning, I drew a mental picture of all the things I would do throughout the day. After my morning prayers, I went to the nearest ATM and got some cash. I proceeded to the petrol station and filled my motorbike for the journey today and estimated that the fuel would last me a week.

I also had to reload my phone and rightly did so. I got home and fiddled with my phone, a habit that I am starting to notice getting stronger and stronger and dislike but as we all know distractions play a big part in our lives. If I am left alone with my thoughts, misery then takes over.

Such is the reality I would say but sadly I have to somewhat agree of the reality I have painted for myself. Instead of taking from my previous experiences the good of the bad. Since reality painted itself mostly in a dark manner in the beginning and I being weak and unable to look beyond, took what was at hand. I reached for what I saw and experienced and not taking of which that lay beneath the surface. Skewed is my mind when it comes back forlorn-ing.

Now back to the story, I thought to myself that I was set to go; I looked at the map on where I had to go and took a nap. Exactly 2 hours later, I got ready and was off to the klinik kesihatan to visit the dentist. I had some holes that needed fillings. Amazingly, I didn’t get lost…though I had to stop once and ask for directions. I reached there quicker than expected and assumed that things might just go smoothly today.

I registered, got my number and was mentally prepared to wait for 2 hours. And so I got my phone out and played whatever games I had and then in the middle of it remembered that I have a test coming and so I started prepping for it. Thanks to smart phones and the internet, channeling information so effortlessly had become a reality!

I saw the number of people in the clinic decreasing and I also noticed that after 2 hours the people that came after me got called before I did, I mentally questioned on what kind of system were they using but decided to not bother myself with unhelpful thoughts. After all, the staffs seemed like they got their hands full.

I didn’t want to feel this way but after almost 3 hours, what I was afraid of most had then transpired, I started to get agitated and as soon as I was getting all annoyed, my name was called. I entered the room and was told to lie on a seasoned green dental seat. The nurse then gave me the suction thing to hold on to and told me to place it beneath my tongue.

The doctor asked me on the purpose of my visit, but the doctor outside whom I met had already asked me the same question, didn’t she read the card? Still I casually and respectfully replied, ‘tampal’. The doctor then checked my teeth and spewed out some terms like fracture, rupture and things that I could not remember now. I knew that I had multiple teeth that needed fillings.

As she was doing this, she was talking to the nurse and asking what time it was and explaining to her that she had another patient appointment after this. She seemed to be in a hurry and she had this thing in her hand that had a pointy needle-like thing that she is using to drill into the already injured tooth. I was hoping that I would come out safe from this experience. She was talking with the nurse again on what time it was and the nurse said it was already 1pm. That was when the clinic closes I thought. I couldn’t help pitying myself as I have waited for 3 hours and the time was already up.

After drilling into my teeth she then inserted the white cement and asked me to bite on it and then told me that we were done. I asked her on the other tooth, at first she ignored me and so I asked again, she then replied we only do one treatment at one time. The nurse told me to come back tomorrow. I was very surprised mainly because when I went to the clinic in shah alam, they filled all the damned holes in one visit. You know, so it was worth the wait, the journey and the patience displayed.

I was not happy but I left the room and walked to the counter where they issued mmy number. I asked the lady there and she out rightly said only one treatment at one time but I was going like, but fillings are one treatment. Of course, I didn’t say that out loud. I walked out of the clinic feeling unhappy and as I reached my bike, I decided to go up the building and ask again for the second time. There was a different nurse seated there. I explained that I waited for several hours to get fillings but only got one done. She then said, that’s how it is. I just replied, is that so. I left the building for good this time.

The day was not over and I had several thing planned, I was supposed to go somewhere but troubled by this incident I drove myself back home. As I reached my house, it was 1ish and went to look up on the net for a number I could call on what was bugging my mind. I found it and called that number; the guy on the other line told me to call another number and instructed me to call after 2pm.
It was almost 2.30pm now; I called the number the guy had given me before and a lady picked up.  I told her my concern and I was put on hold for minute. Another lady then picked up and I explained to her what had happened. She started asking me the most annoying questions. She asked me if the clinic were opened every day, I told her no it wasn’t and just to be sure I had to open up the net to confirm the details. I told her it was opened Monday to Thursday, she then asked me what happened on Friday, I told her Friday is for pregnant ladies and children. She then asked me on their operational hours. I don’t like losing my temper so I pretended everything was okay and proceeded to answer her. After a couple of minutes of more insignificant dialogues she gave me text book answers which I was okay with. After all I just wanted to know that I wasn’t being taken advantage of. Perhaps that was their system.

She then asked me for my details and I gave them. Lastly she told me to go back and get my fillings done. I didn’t know how to reply to that and replied, ‘I’ll think of it’.

I know if I had the money to go to a private clinic I would have readily gone there as there was one right in front of my house, like a minute away.  I also understand that I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it? Perhaps I am over-thinking this but does receiving cheap treatments makes you someone devoid of pride that a person don’t deserve to be given a certain amount of respect?

In a nutshell if I were to take today’s experience into account, I would say that a human being is only one if he has a standing in society?  Though I suppose I am more pissed at myself for troubling myself with such thoughts that had ruined all my plans for today.

Thankfully, despite being distressed by the event—I’ll forget about this tomorrow and start anew and hopefully stick to my plans. However, today was a bleak day.




A New Man

I thought I ought to write tonight. I am now older in number and my hair is way longer and one would say has a life of its own.

I want to say I am wiser but let’s just say I rise and fall and I rise and fall and I realize I have not attained the wisdom I sought for.

A scary juncture, life in all its mysteriousness. You never know what might occur, the negative mind keeps thinking of what bad thing might befall and rupture once again the mended limbs.

As it has been said, think of this as the best that could happen, a catapult springing you into success!  Where you become your own man.

Though as much as he tries not to, he keeps saying inside, what luck a man can expect when all his life he kept seeing duds.

 Though once again for a man of faith, he should know better. Though cliché, time and time again he tells himself but what else is this life but a test?

Though for a man of faith, one has to put forth effort and be rest assured for whatever it is, it has been ordained to and for him.

Though he also knows that since his faith falters and in his weakness he is of weak of faith and he falls into disobedience and as a consequence falls into sadness.

For he has no friends who he can talk freely to, they listen and they think you ought to try harder. They are of a different breed they relate but not.

The people from his past keeps coming into his mind yet he knows despite all that he thinks and what they think of him, no one thinks of him. They have no time to think of him bereaving yet the mind haunts and makes him conscious of himself—as the devil laughs at the worry and fear he puts himself into.

His goals, that ought to do it! For whatever befalls he still has goals needs attaining. Hence what choice does he have but to reach the goals he has said over and over. For at this moment he is reprimanded by the things he had said he would attain.


~Happy Birthday~

I used to love you…
With all I got,
Alas! All I got was but a dot,
So I understand why,
Though after all these years,
For some reason I’ve no idea why,
In all the girls I’ve come to know,
I keep looking for you in them,
And you never came,
So as of for now,
I don’t foresee loving the same again…
It feels as if love cannot take me to where I got,
The way your eyes light when they met mine,
The helplessness of your face as if you were utterly dependent,
It almost felt real,
Yet when I think of your love,
I can’t help but think if it was real,
Now, don’t worry I am not hung up on you or anything,
I also remember the reason why I hate you,
Despite all your perfections,
I’ve no idea why,
You turned disloyal,
I saw u as a pure loving person,
Cute and innocent,
And...
Though I didn’t know and when I knew,
 I didn’t want to know,
That you, you were also someone else,
I called you mine all the time,
And when you beckoned, it made me whole,
Now clearly it was only in my mind,
Even now when I unknowingly call for you,
You’re in the hands of a different kind,
All along I was playing games in my mind,
Thinking there will be a shimmering light…
Well never mind,
Now you’re married and I know you’ll be fine,
You’re a survivor and you’ve always knew better,
I thought I’d be with you forever,
And now I know I could never,
Now I don’t know if I can love like I did you ever
After all that,
I hope your face always brightens up with a smile and your eyes shines bright with delight,
For I never used to love you,
I still do.


Doubt

Recently I went to a beautiful place; the architectural aspects of the building were unique and it felt comfortable inside, it was surrounded by thick lavish mountains… the air was pure due to the mountains and the many trees of green standing tall against the wind, the inhabitants of the place wore pure white robes with matching white fez’s, the scholars were busy teaching and the students studying, yet while all were clean and pure. They were human beings hence they must’ve sinned? And while all might appear clean and pure, being human beings the hearts remain a mysterious thing, deserving of distrust. As for the sceptic being, he refuses to embrace what lies in front of him but he ends up doubting people’s intent—since he is impure, he thinks others too can’t be as clean? He wrote all this in the library provided for him after eating the food served to him.